The village idiot of Las Vegas gets advice about women from a street philosopher.

Both of my roommates are recovering alcoholics. So whenever I want to drink a beer, out of respect for them, I leave the apartment and walk over to the corner of Harmon and Jones. I guess you could call it my unofficial hang out. There's a rock wall that provides a comfortable place to sit and  nobody seems to mind me drinking. (I am very discreet about it) - Anyways - last night I was sitting in my spot nursing a 24 ounce when a street friend of mine walked up and asked me this. "Why the long face my friend? You look like someone just ran over your dog." I look up from my beer and tell him this. "Women problems buddy, I am in love with this girl and I think she loves me too. But the forces of the universe are keeping us apart."

Delbert is my friends name. We've run into each other a few times around the neighborhood. After my admission, he says this to me - "Join the club buddy, I lost my job a few months ago and since then my old lady and I have barely spoken to each other. The only friend I got left in this world is my dog. I tell you what, why don't you give me one of those beers and we'll talk about it." The unwritten rule of the street is if you have extra you share. I had five beers, so I happily gave him one. He thanked me and asked this. "Friend, do you love this girl sincerely?" I nodded my head and told him yes. He then asked this, "Does this girl love you sincerely?" I thought about his question for a moment and said, "I think she loves me more than she knows. I believe she is scared of loving anyone too much. I can't get her off my mind and it's killing me."

Street philosopher's are a dime a dozen in Las Vegas - so generally when one of them tells me something - I'm polite about listening. But for the most part, well, it tends to go in one ear and out the other. But Delbert said a few things next that managed to stick in my craw. "You have fallen in love with a Vegas girl. Haven't you?" I nodded yes. He then asked if she was involved with another guy. I nodded my head yes again. He then says this, "My friend, you need to forget about this girl. She is not good for you. I can tell by the look in your face that she is causing you much anguish. And if you're not careful, this women will put you in your grave long before your intended time." Jeez, I was expecting more along the lines of "hang in there" or "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Not the case at all. He then adds this to our conversation. "The women of Las Vegas are femme fatales, brother. It's like playing with a loaded gun when you fall in love with one of them! Get out while your soul is still intact!"

After his statement, he promptly chugs the rest of the beer I had given him. He then asks if he can have another. I give it to him. He then says this, "You're a good man. You told me that your from Kansas a while back. Is that right?" I was impressed he remembered. Anyways, I told him he was correct. He then tells me this, "Kansas man - Las Vegas women are like an addiction. A terrible addiction. Once they get a hold of you, it's nearly impossible to escape their clutches." He then chugs the whole 24 ounce beer I had just given him without flinching. After he's through, he tells me that he has to be somewhere and requests another beer for the road. I give it to him. As he's walking away he turns back to me and says, "It was nice seeing you again Kansas man. Just remember what I told you about the women in Las Vegas being an addiction. Be careful my friend!"

The village idiot of Las Vegas apologizes to Roxy and tells her that he loves her again.

I can't get Roxy off of my mind, so I called her last night. Before I could say hi - she yells this - "Look, Jethro - I didn't appreciate the way you talked to me the other day. You hurt my feelings and I feel that you owe me an apology. I am waiting." The fight we had stemmed from her getting back with her old boyfriend. The decision to do such really bothered me - but nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about her. Her demand for an apology was not settling well with me at all, "Roxy, you were just as rude as I was. It's just that I can't stand the thought of you with that prick! I get it! You don't want to be with me. But why this guy? He's going to hurt you again!" She is as stubborn as a mule sometimes, and unfortunately for me - now was one of those times - "Jethro, you had better fucking apologize to me this instant. You are not allowed to talk to me the way you did the other day! And by God, if you ever hang the phone up on me again. I will slap the shit out of you! Do you understand?"

Wait, where's my apology? We all know that isn't going to happen. Anyways, I love her so I apologized like any love struck moron would do, then I told her this - "Why in the world are you back with this asshole? I would rather see you date a serial killer than this prick. Both of us know it is going to end badly for you." For some reason or another this guy has a hold on her that she can't or won't break. "I appreciate your concern about things," she tells me, "I truly do. I realize Jeff has his shortcomings. But this time around things are going to be different between the two of us. He promised me and I believe him." When you love someone, even if they don't love you back, you have to do your best to protect them. "Roxy, please don't do this. I know you don't love me, and I can live with that. But you don't love this guy either. I know you don't, or you wouldn't have spent time with me. I am begging you....get away from this clown before he hurts you again!"

I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the line - then she says - "Jethro, why can't you leave me alone? I knew I shouldn't have slept with you again. It has made you so clingy," she keeps referring to the night we slept together at The Palm's like it was the only time I ever had sex. My feelings go way past that, and I told her such. She then says this, "Look, the two of us had our fun. It is now time for me to go back to the real world. And Jeff is a big part of my real world. Why can't you accept that and move on? I have to go now, Jeff is going to be back anytime and he doesn't want me talking to you. So please respect our wishes."

What else am I suppose to do? She made a decision and I am forced to live with it. I told her one more thing before the conversation ended. "Roxy, please be careful. I worry about you a lot. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. And remember this, I love you." I was about ready to hang up when I hear her say - in what sounded like a choked up voice - "Jethro, I, I, I love you too. But we are not right for each other," she then hung up.

The village idiot of Las Vegas finds out that Roxy is back with her old boyfriend.

"Look, Jethro, it's really over between the two of us. I am getting back together with Jeff." What's there to say? I'm not surprised by her decision. After all, money talks, bullshit walks. But why this guy? They're plenty of other guys with money, but no, she has to go back to the one guy who beats her and cheats on her. "Roxy, why in the hell would you want to get back together with this pecker head? I know your history with him and it's not very healthy. What are you thinking?" I tried staying calm with her, but it proved too much of a task. It's the same every time with her and this asshole, he cheats or beats her. She leaves him. He apologizes - which usually translates to him buying her something or giving her money - she forgives him and the cycle eventually repeats itself.

I love Roxy and she doesn't love me, I am OK with it. But the thought of her being with this guy is too much for me to bare. "Jesus Roxy, sometimes I think you have shit for brains. It's the same old story with you and this clown. You want to know something Roxy? The hell with you, and the hell with Jeff. You two deserve each other! To think I love you. God, what a fool am I!"

I should have hung up after that, but no, I had to give her a chance to explain herself. "Jethro, no one said that Jeff was perfect. We had problems in the past and always managed to overcome them. But you, my adorable hillbilly from Kansas. Let's face it. You are a complete loser. It's Chinatown this and Chinatown that with you. Shit, your own family won't lift a finger to help you execute this big Asian thing that you are always talking about. It is sad to watch you throw away so much time and energy on something that is never going to happen. Let's face it, you're a fucking failure! And in the end, I would much rather be around a guy like Jeff than a complete nobody like yourself."

For some reason or another she always has to go back to Chinatown with me. What does Chinatown have to do with her getting back with a guy who cheats on her and beats her? I finally had it with her and told her such. "Look, just because you're too stupid to realize what I am talking about. That doesn't give you the right to be a bitch. I guarantee you one thing Einstein. Someone, and it probably won't be me. But someone is going to make their way into Chinatown and aggregate all those restaurants to an E-commerce site. If they do a good job and are able to form a coalition with all the proprietor's in Chinatown. The list of possibilities becomes tremendous. Just because you're too ignorant to understand something like that. Well, it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to me...so fuck off!" I immediately hung up after my statement. I then started thinking about something my uncle Ned told me a long time ago - "Boy, you need to stay away from the stripper/party girl types. Don't get me wrong, they are a lot of fun to be with. But I can guarantee you one thing is a certainty. It will always end badly for schmucks like you and me." - Goddammit if that fat son of a bitch wasn't right again.

The village idiot of Las Vegas chats with Mad Max about Roxy.

Today's version of the phrase Mad Max is best used as a connotation to describe chaos, disorder and anarchy. Example: "One of these days the Federal Reserve will stop with the 'dollars from heaven' policy and raise the Fed Rate. They will have to in order to stop the spiraling debt. Once that happens inflation takes off and the value of the American dollar plummets - Mad Max comes rushing in big time then."

The following is an excerpt from a conversation I had recently with a friend. I have nicknamed him Mad Max. He is an anarchist in every sense of the word.

"It sounds like this Roxy gal has you turned every which way, brother. Beware of women like that. They have a way of causing more problems than they're worth." In his pre-anarchist days, Mad Max was considered the leading Lothario in the tri-county area. Women threw themselves at him like he was a backstop. It really was the stuff of legends. So when he hands out advise about the female specie.... You better believe that I am listening! "Mad Max, I get it. Roxy is way of my league, price range, class. Whatever you want to call it. She is past me by a mile. Most guys with half a brain would forget about her and move on. But I can't. The problem is - I love her!"

After my statement about loving Roxy, he tells me this - "Now listen boy, you have got to get your shit under control with this broad. It has disaster written all over it. Can't you find another gal out in Vegas who will give you some loving?" I understand what Mad Max is saying. Roxy isn't the only fish in the sea. Las Vegas has an abundance of pretty women, but for the most part they're all in same boat with Roxy and I wanted him to realize that. "Look, Mad Max - you're right about Roxy not being the only girl in Vegas, but all the women are the same out here. 'No money, no honey,' so to speak. I don't want to go through all the bullshit again. Roxy and I have a connection, and I refuse to let it go."

We go back and forth on a few other things and then he says this. "I hate to tell you this, but from what I am gathering, and I hate to sound like a broken record. But it sounds like the Roxy and Jethro story ends badly. If you are as broke as you claim and Roxy is used to the finer things in life. How's that going to work out in the end? We all know how it will end. I guess that you can always hope that you hit the lottery. That will probably keep her interested." As snide as his remarks were. I appreciated them nonetheless. He's right about not being able to afford a girl like Roxy. I know that, she knows that, the whole fucking world knows that. The problem is simple, yet rather complex. I love her and can't get her off my mind. If I could ever get my feelings for her to pass. Man, life would be so much easier.

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets an awesome Valentine's present from Roxy.

"My chick bad, my chick hood. My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could. My chick bad, badder than yours. My chick do stuff that I can't even put in words."

Ludacris - My Chick Bad


Last night I was sitting in my room all by lonesome when my phone started beeping. I picked it up and discovered that Roxy had sent me a video file through SnapChat. I have never used SnapChat before, so it took a few minutes to figure out how it works. Once I did, how do I say this? Well, let's put it this way. It was the best Valentine's gift this white boy from Kansas could ever ask for.

At the beginning of the video, Roxy is sitting on a bed with a night gown on. As a matter of fact, it was the same gown she was wearing when we spent the night together at The Palm's. Anyways, she then says this. "Jethro, since I don't have a Valentine this year and I know you don't have one either. Plus the fact that you're so adorable, well, I thought I would give you a little Valentine's present." After her statement, she then stands up, moves the camera back a few feet, adjusts the focus and says, "Happy Valentine's Day Jethro."

It's times like these when I am sure Roxy is the girl for me. After her greeting, she promptly drops the robe she is wearing to reveal her naked body. The site of Roxy's nude and statuesque body will drive any man insane, let alone some dumb hillbilly from Kansas. She then stands there for ten seconds or so posing and smiling and then says this. "Jethro, I hope you enjoyed the present. I have to go now." She blows a kiss into the camera and the video ends.

After I pushed my eyes back into my head I promptly look back down at my phone with every intention of viewing the video again. Turns out I was only able to view the file once before SnapChat automatically deletes it from the browser. Anyways, I decided to send Roxy a text and thank her for the present. About an hour later I get a text back saying, "You're welcome. Have a great Valentine's Day."

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets blown off by Roxy for the umpteenth time, but doesn't care.

"I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day. And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way. But my silent fears have gripped me. Long before I reach the phone. Long before my tongue has tripped me. Must I always be alone?"

The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic


"Jethro, are you a fucking moron? How many times do I have to tell you not to call me? Sleeping with you again has made you extremely clingy. I knew I shouldn't have done it," hearing Roxy's voice, even though it was tense, sure made me feel good. I am under the persuasion that she just needs a little more time to come to her senses and then she will finally realize I am the man of her dreams - "Babe - I know I said I wouldn't bother you anymore. But I just can't get you off of my mind. I can't stop thinking about you!" I state forcefully.

She is extremely feisty, but that's OK with me...I enjoy it when she plays hard to get - "Look, moron, don't call me Babe. I am most definitely not your fucking Babe!" She says in no uncertain terms, she then adds, "Jethro, if I could just reach through the phone and choke your stupid ass - I would do it! Listen to me! I have already decided I am never going to sleep with you again. You are too much of a fucking headache." It's not the sex, even though it is wonderful - I sincerely feel we have a connection. I want her to understand my sentiment...no matter how divisive she is towards it.

"Roxy, why can't we be together? I think you are playing hard to get with me. Who says you and I can't work out? You would make this dumb hillbilly the happiest guy in Las Vegas if you would just be my girl," I say with a wish and a prayer.

Instead of hanging up, which she usually does when I press her for answers, she instead decides to be forthcoming...too forthcoming - "Jethro, I am not your girl and I don't want to be your girl. For some reason or another you can't get it through your head on how things work between the two of us. God, if you weren't so adorable. I have to go now Jethro...Bye."

After the phone goes dead, I start thinking about something uncle Ned told me a long time back - "It is never a good idea to fall in love with a whore. If you do choose that path? Just remember when things go to shit. You are the one who chose to fall in love with a whore!" - Goddammit if that fat son of bitch wasn't right again.

The village idiot of Las Vegas tells Roxy he loves her.

"Two cars parked on the overpass. Rocks hit the water like broken glass. I should have known right then that it was too good to last. God, it's such a drag when you're living in the past. Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes. Even the losers keep a little bit of pride.... They get lucky sometimes."

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Even the Losers


"Jethro, don't you dare use that word with me! I do not share your feelings one bit! Don't use that fucking word!" Geez, you would have thought I shot the pope by the way she reacted. All I did was tell her I love her. I had been wanting to say it to her for a while, but had just now worked up the nerves. She took it a lot different than I expected -"I am sorry Roxy, I don't want you to be mad at me," I quip cautiously, "I just needed to tell you how I felt. I can't help it. I love you. It's a matter of the heart."

Telling her how I felt was a weight off my shoulders, I was praying she would feel the same way about me, as usual - I was wrong. "Jethro," she says forcefully, "Why are you trying to fuck things up? Don't tell me you love me! Don't say that to me! You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Look, I am going back to California tomorrow. I want you to leave me alone. If I want to talk, I will call you - Fair enough?" Why does she have to be so guarded? All I did was tell her I love her. It's not like I asked her to marry me.

I ask one more question before she hangs up - "Roxy, do you think there will ever be a time when the two of us could be together? I think about that day and it makes me smile." I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the phone after my question, and then she says - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable. If being adorable was all I needed from a guy - we would be together and I would never think about anyone else. But the problem is. And I say this with all the sincerity in the world. You lack all the other skills required to keep a women like me happy."

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls his friend Roxy to tell her how he feels about her.

"Goddamn, I swear I am going to slap the living daylights out of you. What part of don't call me I will call you didn't you understand? Do you understand English boy?" The last time the two of us talked we had a tentative agreement that I wouldn't call her, she would call me. Well, I tried my best to honor the agreement, but I miss her and I wanted to tell her such - "I know that I said I wouldn't bother you Roxy, but I miss you and I wanted to know what you were doing." Roxy is a no bullshit kind of gal. That's what I like most about her. So when she told me to fuck off. Well, it kind of made me smile. "Where are you at?" I could hear a bunch of ringing noises in the background. I was guessing she was at a casino. Turns out I was correct.

"Not that it is any of your fucking business, but I am with Carmen and we're down at the Venetian." I then heard a voice in the background say, "Hi Jethro," Carmen is Roxy's double, only seven years younger. I have suggested to Roxy on a number of occasions that the three of us should make an 'Astle boy sandwich' one of these days. When I first suggested the culinary delight to her, she had not the slightest idea what I was talking about. Then she thought about it for a moment. Her response is always the same - "You're worthless, broke, fat, stupid, lazy ass wants to have a threesome with Carmen and I. God Jethro, you are such a fucking pig. Never going to happen." I always tell her that she doesn't have to get so upset about things. It's just an idea. Anyways, I decided it best to skip the threesome talk and get straight to the point with her. "Roxy, I haven't said this in a long time to anyone, but I think I love you."

After I told her that I loved her, I waited patiently for a response - "Roxy are you still there?" She has a habit of hanging up on me before I am fully able to get my thoughts across to her. "Roxy, did you hear what I just said? I said that I think I love you." I kept waiting patiently for her to say something. The anxiety was killing me. After a few more silent moments pass, I look down at my phone and discover that I had been disconnected. I immediately call back to tell her how I feel and the call goes directly to her voice mail.

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls Roxy after getting dumped by her a few days ago.

"Jethro, I thought I told you to lose my fucking number. Why are you calling me?" Roxy told me to piss off a few days ago but I just can't get her out of my head. I was calling in the hopes she would give me another chance. "Roxy, I know that you said I am not the guy for you. But I can change. I feel we have a connection. You even said the same thing when we were together the other night. Would you please give me another chance at your heart?"

In certain spots, Roxy is the sweetest most caring person I know. Unfortunately, most of the time, she's the biggest bitch in Las Vegas. So when I asked her for another chance at her heart, I was praying I would be catching the caring and sweet Roxy. As is the case usually, I got the other end - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable sometimes. Why can't you just leave it at that? I knew that I shouldn't have slept with you again. God, whenever we sleep together you start thinking we're a couple. I got news for you Jethro. You should just enjoy things while they last." Roxy doesn't shy away a bit on telling you how she feels or what the situation is. "Listen Jethro, because I am only going to say it once to you. You need to get back into reality. The Chinese are not going to help you execute your plan. Every time you talk about Chinatown and organic growth strategies - I just want to slap the shit out of you - That's the biggest reason why I don't see things working out between the two of us. Nothing is ever going to come out of your efforts in Chinatown!"

I always find it humorous watching her reaction whenever I talk about opportunities in Chinatown. I will start telling her about all the people I know in Chinatown and how all the restaurants there should be aggregated to an E-commerce site. Without fail, she always says and does the same thing. "My name is Jethro and I am Chinese." After saying this, she will pull her eyes back on her lovely face as to mimic certain Asian features. "Ma, Pa - I am going down to Chinatown. They need their cows milk and I am just the guy." That is another one of her favorite lines. Her antics are intended to deride and denigrate me. Truth be told, it actually has the opposite effect. I think she is hilarious. I've told her on a number of occasions that she should be performing stand up - "Ladies and gentlemen, please give a loud applause for Roxy... The call girl comedienne." Anyways, I wanted to get right to the point with her. So I asked her once again. "Roxy, do you think the two of us have a chance?"

She has a nasty habit of hanging up on me before I can get my thoughts across to her. I was wondering if she had done it again. "Roxy are you still there?" There was a brief moment of silence after my query and then I heard her say - "Yeah, I am still here Jethro. Why don't we leave things at this. You go chase the Chinese up and down the block. If I want to see you again, I will call you. You do not call me!" I told her that I was serious about making things work between the two of us and hastily agreed to her request. I will never give up on Roxy. We have a connection that can't be broken. The question is - has she given up on me?

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets dumped by Roxy.

Roxy and I had planned on watching the Super Bowl together and then I got the call - "Jethro, I am going to watch the Super Bowl with some of my friends." OK, sounded like a good plan to me. I then asked her where she wanted me to meet her at, she tells me this. "Jethro, I don't think you are catching on to what I just said. I am going to watch the game with some of my friends and you're not invited." Did I do something to make her mad? I thought everything was good between the two of us. I asked what the deal was and she said this. "Jethro, I don't know how to say this. So I am just going to say it. I don't want to be seen in public with you. What would I tell my friends? This is my homeless boyfriend from Kansas, Jethro. He writes blogs and thinks that he is going to get rich off the backs of a billion China men one of these days. Do you know how embarrassing that would be?"

I was immediately confused. We had spent the night together a few nights previous and everything seemed like it was good between the two of us. I reiterated my sentiment to her and she told me this - "God - Jethro - Grow up! Just because a girl fucks a guy doesn't always mean they want to be attached. I was lonely, I thought there might be a chance for the two of us. After further consideration I have decided that you're not the guy for me."

Girls like Roxy are brash. They will tell you how the cow ate the cabbage and not bat an eye doing it. To be honest, that's one of my biggest attractions towards her. I then asked her if she thought there was any chance for us in the future. She said this to me. "Jethro, look, it's not that I don't care for you. It's just that you haven't changed any. I remember when we first met and you told me about the Chinese, hyper local, organic growth strategies and all that other stuff. You said that you didn't care if it killed you. You were going to make it work. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to your talk. I figured it was just your bravado acting up. But now, I believe you're serious and that scares me. I don't want to be driving down the street and see you holding a sign on the corner panhandling for money or find out your dead in some alley somewhere. You don't have the skills! You need to get that through your head! Why don't you move back to Kansas and get a job shoveling shit or whatever it is they do there."

I told Roxy that I was disappointed in her. She said that she didn't care how I felt and that it was time for her to go, but before she hung up, I told her one last thing - "Roxy, I am sorry that you don't have any faith in me and that you don't think any of my ideas will ever come to fruition. I want you to know that I care for you and will always be available for you. Have a good day and good luck to you." After my closing statement, I waited a moment for her response. "Roxy are you still there? Hello." Turns out she had already hung up on me.