The other day I started thinking about the predicament my friend Chuck from Kansas is currently in. I call him for an update:
"This one was easy, basically she kept everything and I moved in with mama," is his short answer for the dissolution of his fifth marriage, "Glad it is over. We never got along to begin with. No worries though, I got a couple new ones already."
The dumb bastard is pushing fifty with no job, money or future. The only thing the horny knuckle head thinks about is which suburban mom or recent divorcee he is going to bed next. He's scandalous and I tell him such.
"Yeah, I am scandalous," adding, "The thing is all these bitches are just as scandalous as I am. They like the excitement until they don't. It's a never ending cycle."
"Have you ever thought about just keeping it in your pants?"
"I have," he adds, "It's just too difficult. I'll meet up with one of these broads on the internet & she'll be wearing the sweetest smelling perfume. After a few drinks we'll start talking about how lonely we are. The next thing I know I'm in a bathroom stall snorting coke off of her tits."
"Chuck," adding with all seriousness, "Someone needs to remind you of your age. You're not in your twenties anymore. Jesus, you are still snorting coke off of hookers at fifty years old. It's pathetic. Although, in a weird kind of way I am jealous."
"I don't turn fifty for another two months. Are you really jealous?"
"If I was in my twenties I'd be jealous. The thing is I'm fifty and practicality is what guides me now."
"You never tried something like that with Roxy? She seems like the kind of girl who would go for it."
"No, whenever we were together it was intense sex followed by a little pillow talk."
"I'll be straight with you. If you get on the internet and shop around for a little while you'll meet a hundred Roxy types."
"I don't think so. She's one in a million. Don't insult her like that."
I ask if he has any new stories to share.
"No, not much new stuff lately. Although, I have something you'll find both funny and disturbing."
"What's that?"
"The other day this gal I've been seeing messages me and says she got a room downtown and wants to meet up around nine. When I show up she opens the door wearing a mask and immediately takes my temperature with a digital thermometer. After it reads I get waved in. The corona virus has made her extra cautious. She then gives me a mask to put on and proceeds to take off all her clothes while saying, 'We are going to do things different this time. I want you to take me from behind, but you have to wear a mask. We should be fine as long as we don't come face to face."
"She really made you wear a mask during sex?"
"Yep," adding, "I know it sounds strange. It's the world we live in nowadays."
I'd heard enough about his libido and changed the subject to something more important.
"Have you found a job yet?"
"Nope," is his reply.
"What do you do when your not with one of your conquests?"
"Hang out with mama. We watch every Royal's game and then we will watch reruns of Magnum PI or something like that. I do all the grocery shopping and she'll fix all the meals. Mama goes to bed around seven and then I usually head out on the prowl."
