A few weeks had gone by since Roxy and I last talked. She had instructed me not to bother her because she was busy with work in La Hoya. Anyways, I received a phone call last night and when I looked down to check my caller ID - it was her - "How are things going?" I say. Before I can utter another word, she says, "Jethro, tell me you're not living on the streets again. I just finished reading one of your stupid blog posts and you indicated you were on the streets. Is that true?"
I then explained to her how I got caught in the in-between and had to move out of my apartment earlier than anticipated and how it was taking longer than I had hoped to find a new place - "No big deal. I will be in a new spot soon," I conclude. She wasn't happy about things and let me know it in no uncertain terms, "Jethro, I thought your days of being a homeless fucking bum were over! How is it that you can get me free rooms at the hottest, most expensive place in Las Vegas one week and than your stupid ass is living on the streets the next?" I interupt and begin explaining my situation again. Unfortunately, she wasn't listening - "Shut the fuck up when I am talking to you!" She yells. "You want to know something dumb shit? It was one thing when you blogged about the two of us being together to all your friends. 'That's just Jethro being Jethro,' I told myself. But now you are living on the streets again. And to top it all off you are blogging about some dream sequence you're having with some fantasy slut. Do you know how stupid you look?"
I tried once again to explain the situation, but was only able to get five words out before she flared up again, "I told you to shut the fuck up when I am talking to you! You are a thoughtless bastard! I, being the fool that I am, thought there was a future for the two of us. Jesus, how stupid can a girl be? You want to know something else asshole? When I was driving to work today I saw a homeless guy standing on the corner panhandling. I immediately thought of you. It made my stomach turn thinking -'God, you slept with a guy just like the one on the corner.' - I want you to get this through to that stupid head of yours! And I mean it this time! You and I are history!"
She then cools for a moment and I tell her this - "I am sorry. I didn't think it was a big deal. I promise it's just a temporary thing - Please don't dump me. As for the girl in the fantasy sequence, I was having some fun. Don't take things so serious." It turned out no amount of begging or apologizing was going to change her mind. "Jethro," she says in an irreverent tone, "I have known all sorts of people in my life. But I am telling you, without a doubt. You are the weirdest freak I have ever met in my life!"
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas runs into a living ghost.
One quarter, three dimes, two nickels and ten pennies. On second thought maybe it was two quarters, one dime, one nickel and ten pennies. Thinking back I can't remember the exact order. One thing is for sure, the amount I handed the clerk at the corner convenience store was equal to seventy five cents - the amount it takes to refill a 32 ounce cup with soda.
"You will find more nutritional value in snorting an eighth of an ounce of cocaine than you will find in drinking one can of soda." Those were the words of an old trainer friend of mine - but nonetheless, I was having an outrageous caffeine and sugar fit. So in the end, despite all my mental objections, I succumbed to it:
It was like being a kid again as I stood next to the soda fountain. Refilling the cup and gulping down a quarter of it and refilling it again. I repeated the process twice and then I paid the clerk. It was now time for me to step back out into the Las Vegas sunshine. What I was about to see would leave an everlasting impression on me.
"May I have a drink of your soda?" Las Vegas is full of meth heads; but the gal who had just asked me for a drink of my soda. How do I say this? She takes the cake! It was the hollow eyes and the sunken cheek bones or perhaps it was the Medussa hair and the rotted teeth. Seeing such a wretched looking creature in the flesh was absolutely gut wrenching. She looked beyond death warmed over. At the time it felt as if I were staring into the eyes of a witch and she would put a curse on me if I didn't accommodate the request. "Here, you can have the rest of it. I drank a bunch when I was in the store." I suddenly remembered how bad soda was for me and handed it over to my her. Somehow, I got the feeling she didn't care how bad soda is for people.
"Do you have a phone I could borrow? I want to call my girlfriend and see if she will come get me." That was her second question. At first I told her I didn't have any minutes left, which was untrue. The truth is I've turned into a clean freak the last six months or so and the thought of her scaly, scabby, slimy, filthy hands touching my phone was more than I could digest. And then I told myself not to be such a selfish prick - "I tell you what," I said "Give me the number and I will dial it for you. I will then put it on speaker phone and hold it close so you can hear and talk." Her friend answers and she tells her this - "Sheila, I have been outdoors for the last week and am crashing hard. Will you please come get me?" Her friend tells her that she will be there in an hour and not to go anywhere. She tells me thanks and I tell her she is welcome and with that said I put all the distance in the world between the two of us...She was that creepy and nasty!
I haven't shared a village idiot thought of the day in a long time. I was told by people smarter than me the segment was becoming stale. Well, for this particular post I am going to bring it back. "A lady like the one I just described is going to be lucky if she lives another month. Someone will probably find her lying dead in the gutter. It is sad."
"You will find more nutritional value in snorting an eighth of an ounce of cocaine than you will find in drinking one can of soda." Those were the words of an old trainer friend of mine - but nonetheless, I was having an outrageous caffeine and sugar fit. So in the end, despite all my mental objections, I succumbed to it:
It was like being a kid again as I stood next to the soda fountain. Refilling the cup and gulping down a quarter of it and refilling it again. I repeated the process twice and then I paid the clerk. It was now time for me to step back out into the Las Vegas sunshine. What I was about to see would leave an everlasting impression on me.
"May I have a drink of your soda?" Las Vegas is full of meth heads; but the gal who had just asked me for a drink of my soda. How do I say this? She takes the cake! It was the hollow eyes and the sunken cheek bones or perhaps it was the Medussa hair and the rotted teeth. Seeing such a wretched looking creature in the flesh was absolutely gut wrenching. She looked beyond death warmed over. At the time it felt as if I were staring into the eyes of a witch and she would put a curse on me if I didn't accommodate the request. "Here, you can have the rest of it. I drank a bunch when I was in the store." I suddenly remembered how bad soda was for me and handed it over to my her. Somehow, I got the feeling she didn't care how bad soda is for people.
"Do you have a phone I could borrow? I want to call my girlfriend and see if she will come get me." That was her second question. At first I told her I didn't have any minutes left, which was untrue. The truth is I've turned into a clean freak the last six months or so and the thought of her scaly, scabby, slimy, filthy hands touching my phone was more than I could digest. And then I told myself not to be such a selfish prick - "I tell you what," I said "Give me the number and I will dial it for you. I will then put it on speaker phone and hold it close so you can hear and talk." Her friend answers and she tells her this - "Sheila, I have been outdoors for the last week and am crashing hard. Will you please come get me?" Her friend tells her that she will be there in an hour and not to go anywhere. She tells me thanks and I tell her she is welcome and with that said I put all the distance in the world between the two of us...She was that creepy and nasty!
I haven't shared a village idiot thought of the day in a long time. I was told by people smarter than me the segment was becoming stale. Well, for this particular post I am going to bring it back. "A lady like the one I just described is going to be lucky if she lives another month. Someone will probably find her lying dead in the gutter. It is sad."
Monday, April 21, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas tells the story of a princess, a noblemen and four of a kind.
"I think I'm going down to the well tonight, I'm gonna drink till I get my fill. And I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it, but I probably will. Yeah, just sitting back, trying to recapture a little of the glory of. Well time slips away leaves you with nothing mister. But boring stories of.
Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days
The other day I called my friend Chad or sir Chadwick as I often referred to him when we were young. I wished him a joyful Easter. He thanked me for the sentiment and returned it. Without hesitation, as is the case most times we talk, we began reminiscing about his exploits from back in the day. "Sir Chadwick, my favorite story of yours is when you pulled off the four of a kind with the Tolstoy sisters." I said. The Tolstoy sisters were four sisters from college; Kitty, Dolly, Veronica and the irreproachable princess Anna.
The first three sisters; Kitty, Dolly and Veronica were all fair hair maidens of quality Kansas stock. In the end, the three of them were easily ensnared in sir Chadwick's web of charm. "Three out of four is mighty impressive," my comrades and I would tell him. Most everyone believed a four of a kind was near impossible. Most everyone that is except sir Chadwick.
As legend tells it, princess Anna became upset with the prince she was dating at the time. So one night she decided to descend from her castle and mix with the commoners. She was feeling particularly frisky and just so happened to show up at a gathering that sir Chadwick and I were attending: Could it have been the long flowing blond hair and the sensuous blue eyes? Or perhaps it was the statuesque figure and the cover girl face? One thing was an absolute certainty to me as I watched her strut up to the both of us. It was as if Aphrodite in the flesh were standing directly in front of us.
"You're the boy my sisters talk about so much.... The legendary Lothario sir Chadwick, Yes?" The princess was very deliberate in her approach. Whatever she wanted, she took! "I am princess," he replied. Sir Chadwick carried an air of confidence that most men could only wish for. And it was coming in extremely handy at this moment. "My sisters have informed me that you are quite skilled at the art of pleasuring a women. Should I believe that as true?" said the princess. At this point you could cut the sexual tension between the two of them with a butter knife. "I am princess," Chadwick replied. "Would you care to find out firsthand my lady?"
After his quip, the princess promptly grabs him by the arm and swiftly leads him away from the soiree. An hour or so passes and sir Chadwick returns. He walks directly up to me and smiles. I ask if it really happened and if so, how was it? He looks at me and says, "A gentlemen never tells," he then adds this to the conversation. "Give me a dip of your Skoal. I have to get the taste out of my mouth." I ask, "What taste is that?" He looks at me with a wry smile and says, "You know, that taste. Oh, on second thought - look who I am talking to - you have no idea about what I am talking about." He then gives me a playful slap to the head and walks off with the widest smile I have ever seen on a man.
Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days
The other day I called my friend Chad or sir Chadwick as I often referred to him when we were young. I wished him a joyful Easter. He thanked me for the sentiment and returned it. Without hesitation, as is the case most times we talk, we began reminiscing about his exploits from back in the day. "Sir Chadwick, my favorite story of yours is when you pulled off the four of a kind with the Tolstoy sisters." I said. The Tolstoy sisters were four sisters from college; Kitty, Dolly, Veronica and the irreproachable princess Anna.
The first three sisters; Kitty, Dolly and Veronica were all fair hair maidens of quality Kansas stock. In the end, the three of them were easily ensnared in sir Chadwick's web of charm. "Three out of four is mighty impressive," my comrades and I would tell him. Most everyone believed a four of a kind was near impossible. Most everyone that is except sir Chadwick.
As legend tells it, princess Anna became upset with the prince she was dating at the time. So one night she decided to descend from her castle and mix with the commoners. She was feeling particularly frisky and just so happened to show up at a gathering that sir Chadwick and I were attending: Could it have been the long flowing blond hair and the sensuous blue eyes? Or perhaps it was the statuesque figure and the cover girl face? One thing was an absolute certainty to me as I watched her strut up to the both of us. It was as if Aphrodite in the flesh were standing directly in front of us.
"You're the boy my sisters talk about so much.... The legendary Lothario sir Chadwick, Yes?" The princess was very deliberate in her approach. Whatever she wanted, she took! "I am princess," he replied. Sir Chadwick carried an air of confidence that most men could only wish for. And it was coming in extremely handy at this moment. "My sisters have informed me that you are quite skilled at the art of pleasuring a women. Should I believe that as true?" said the princess. At this point you could cut the sexual tension between the two of them with a butter knife. "I am princess," Chadwick replied. "Would you care to find out firsthand my lady?"
After his quip, the princess promptly grabs him by the arm and swiftly leads him away from the soiree. An hour or so passes and sir Chadwick returns. He walks directly up to me and smiles. I ask if it really happened and if so, how was it? He looks at me and says, "A gentlemen never tells," he then adds this to the conversation. "Give me a dip of your Skoal. I have to get the taste out of my mouth." I ask, "What taste is that?" He looks at me with a wry smile and says, "You know, that taste. Oh, on second thought - look who I am talking to - you have no idea about what I am talking about." He then gives me a playful slap to the head and walks off with the widest smile I have ever seen on a man.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas plays to his macabre side.
A week or so ago I read an article about a gal in Las Vegas and her blind date. Both were shot and killed by her ex husband. The ex then turned the gun on himself. Below is a fictional third party retelling of the story:
"Goddamn, I got to be the luckiest guy in town. Man this girl is so hot, Vegas mama's are very nice. Jeez, only in Las Vegas could a loser like me find a girl this fucking hot. Hopefully, she will let me fuck her," his thoughts were narrow as he watched her slurp down a third martini. "Jerry, do you want to come back to my place? My mom is watching the kids for the weekend," his name was actually Larry, but he wasn't about to fuss over the small stuff. "Yes Ma'am and check please," Larry hadn't had sex in a long time. That streak was about to end, or so he thought.
A number of thoughts ran through his head as she pawed at him on the ride home. "Should I stop and get some condoms? Should I get a bottle of booze? I should have popped a Viagra," in the end he told himself to relax. "Jerry, turn here," Vegas mama purrs, "my condo is right down the street. I am going to show you the time of your life," she adds as she buries her tongue in his ear.
They are now both standing at her front door, she is fumbling in her purse, searching for the keys, and then it was like he appeared out of no where - "Bitch, what did I tell you about fucking other guys! You're such a fucking slut! Who is this jerk-off?" The baby daddy was now standing directly behind them, and he was angry, very angry! "Oh shit, that's my ex. You better get out of here," she tells Larry in a panicked tone. She then turns to her ex and starts yelling, "I have a fucking restraining order against you! You're not supposed to be here! I am going to call the cops!"
Vegas mama and her ex were nose to nose arguing and then it happened...just like that - "You're such a fucking whore? You don't love me anymore. Well fuck you!" The baby daddy pulls a gun from his waistband and promptly shoots Vegas mama a number of times at point blank range. Larry not Jerry, thinking this is all a nightmare, begins to pinch himself. "God let me wake up from this! This can't be happening! She doesn't even know my name!" Unfortunately things would prove to be all too real in the end. After shooting Vegas mama the ex calmly walks up to Larry; points the gun directly at his head and says - "You picked the wrong girl to fuck buddy. If I can't have her no one else can."
I wonder how Larry's conversation with Saint Peter went. I can sort of picture it. "What comes of you Larry? Why do you stand at the gates and request entrance?" Hopefully I don't have this talk with Saint Peter for a long time, but Larry's time was now. "Saint Peter, I messed up and got involved with a Vegas girl. That's why I stand before you now." Saint Peter shakes his head as if to indicate he has heard the story many times before and says. "Oh you poor soul." he then swings the pearly gates wide open, "We have a special section cordoned off in heaven for all of you Las Vegas idiots. Just follow the signs."
"Goddamn, I got to be the luckiest guy in town. Man this girl is so hot, Vegas mama's are very nice. Jeez, only in Las Vegas could a loser like me find a girl this fucking hot. Hopefully, she will let me fuck her," his thoughts were narrow as he watched her slurp down a third martini. "Jerry, do you want to come back to my place? My mom is watching the kids for the weekend," his name was actually Larry, but he wasn't about to fuss over the small stuff. "Yes Ma'am and check please," Larry hadn't had sex in a long time. That streak was about to end, or so he thought.
A number of thoughts ran through his head as she pawed at him on the ride home. "Should I stop and get some condoms? Should I get a bottle of booze? I should have popped a Viagra," in the end he told himself to relax. "Jerry, turn here," Vegas mama purrs, "my condo is right down the street. I am going to show you the time of your life," she adds as she buries her tongue in his ear.
They are now both standing at her front door, she is fumbling in her purse, searching for the keys, and then it was like he appeared out of no where - "Bitch, what did I tell you about fucking other guys! You're such a fucking slut! Who is this jerk-off?" The baby daddy was now standing directly behind them, and he was angry, very angry! "Oh shit, that's my ex. You better get out of here," she tells Larry in a panicked tone. She then turns to her ex and starts yelling, "I have a fucking restraining order against you! You're not supposed to be here! I am going to call the cops!"
Vegas mama and her ex were nose to nose arguing and then it happened...just like that - "You're such a fucking whore? You don't love me anymore. Well fuck you!" The baby daddy pulls a gun from his waistband and promptly shoots Vegas mama a number of times at point blank range. Larry not Jerry, thinking this is all a nightmare, begins to pinch himself. "God let me wake up from this! This can't be happening! She doesn't even know my name!" Unfortunately things would prove to be all too real in the end. After shooting Vegas mama the ex calmly walks up to Larry; points the gun directly at his head and says - "You picked the wrong girl to fuck buddy. If I can't have her no one else can."
I wonder how Larry's conversation with Saint Peter went. I can sort of picture it. "What comes of you Larry? Why do you stand at the gates and request entrance?" Hopefully I don't have this talk with Saint Peter for a long time, but Larry's time was now. "Saint Peter, I messed up and got involved with a Vegas girl. That's why I stand before you now." Saint Peter shakes his head as if to indicate he has heard the story many times before and says. "Oh you poor soul." he then swings the pearly gates wide open, "We have a special section cordoned off in heaven for all of you Las Vegas idiots. Just follow the signs."
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas gets to see Roxy's garb for the day.
Roxy told me right before she left town last week that I needed to leave her alone for a while and that she would call me when she had the time. That was over a week ago and I was curious to see what she was doing, so I called her yesterday - "Jethro, what did I tell you? I specifically told you that I would call you when I had a chance. You were not to bother me." - I told her that I missed her and I just wanted to see what she was doing, she says this, "Jethro, I am in the middle of something, My friend is going to open up a bar and restaurant in La Hoya and she has hired me to help consult. I am really busy, so I don't have time for you right now. I will be back in Las Vegas one of these days and then I will call - 'My Jethro from Kansas." My Jethro from Kansas is her pet name for me and whenever she calls me that I can't help but get worked up.
Before she hangs up I ask her this, "What are you wearing?" She sighed and said - "Jethro, I don't have time for this." - I told her it was no big deal, I just wanted to know what she was wearing. She says, "Jethro, you are so adorable, I am wearing a black skirt with hose and a white blouse....OK, bye now." I immediately formed a mental picture of Roxy and her luscious body, and what it must look like in the outfit she was wearing. "Wait, don't hang up yet," I said. "What kind of panties are you wearing? And what color is your bra?" I hear her mumble something to someone - like she was ordering coffee or doing something of that nature - after that she says. "Jethro, do you still have the Snapchat application on your phone?" I told her that I most certainly did. She then tells me that she will send me something in an hour or so.
An hour or so passes and I still have not received anything from her. So I send her a text. A few minutes later I receive a text message back from her that states - "Thirty more minutes, I am in the middle of something." - Thirty minutes go by and still nothing. I thought about sending her another text, but, you know, I don't want to look too pathetic. And just when I am ready to forget about things, my phone starts beeping. "You have a video message," is what it read in Snapchat.
I open up the file and the first thing I see is Roxy standing there in the outfit she described to me earlier, she then says. "Hi Jethro, how do you like this skirt? I bought it while I was in Las Vegas. The blouse I have had for a while. Anyways, you wanted to see what I was wearing and now you have seen it....Bye." - God she is beautiful - I thought the show was over and then I hear her say, "Jethro, I hope you are still there, because I have something else I want to show you. It's what you really want to see." She then drops her skirt and reveals a pair of pink lace panties, "Oh yeah, you also wanted to know the color of my bra." She now pulls her blouse off and reveals a pink lace bra, "They're matching. What do you think Jethro?" She blows a kiss into the camera and the video ends.
Before she hangs up I ask her this, "What are you wearing?" She sighed and said - "Jethro, I don't have time for this." - I told her it was no big deal, I just wanted to know what she was wearing. She says, "Jethro, you are so adorable, I am wearing a black skirt with hose and a white blouse....OK, bye now." I immediately formed a mental picture of Roxy and her luscious body, and what it must look like in the outfit she was wearing. "Wait, don't hang up yet," I said. "What kind of panties are you wearing? And what color is your bra?" I hear her mumble something to someone - like she was ordering coffee or doing something of that nature - after that she says. "Jethro, do you still have the Snapchat application on your phone?" I told her that I most certainly did. She then tells me that she will send me something in an hour or so.
An hour or so passes and I still have not received anything from her. So I send her a text. A few minutes later I receive a text message back from her that states - "Thirty more minutes, I am in the middle of something." - Thirty minutes go by and still nothing. I thought about sending her another text, but, you know, I don't want to look too pathetic. And just when I am ready to forget about things, my phone starts beeping. "You have a video message," is what it read in Snapchat.
I open up the file and the first thing I see is Roxy standing there in the outfit she described to me earlier, she then says. "Hi Jethro, how do you like this skirt? I bought it while I was in Las Vegas. The blouse I have had for a while. Anyways, you wanted to see what I was wearing and now you have seen it....Bye." - God she is beautiful - I thought the show was over and then I hear her say, "Jethro, I hope you are still there, because I have something else I want to show you. It's what you really want to see." She then drops her skirt and reveals a pair of pink lace panties, "Oh yeah, you also wanted to know the color of my bra." She now pulls her blouse off and reveals a pink lace bra, "They're matching. What do you think Jethro?" She blows a kiss into the camera and the video ends.
Friday, April 11, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas shares some recent feedback about his blog
The last few blog posts have been, what's a good word? Risque is what comes to mind. I guess that's the word? Anyways, I received some recent feedback about the posts from friends and family and I thought I would share it.
"Total trash, what are you trying to do? Become a porno writer. Your friend Roxy sounds like a slut and you look like a moron writing about things of such nature. I hope the rest of the family doesn't read it. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
- Cousin Sally
"How much more of this Roxy bullshit do I have to listen to. Boring! That's all I have to say about it. Oh, one last thing brain surgeon. I am not going to read this shit anymore!"
- Uncle Ned
"Hell yes, I loved it! My favorite part is when you said 'I took what appeared to be a diamond stud and the body part it was attached to and put it in my mouth.' Any fucking guy, as long as he's not a homo, can picture that. Keep up the good work!"
- Mad Max
"I didn't like it a whole lot. It wasn't one of your better efforts."
- Ex wife
"Do you think you could get Roxy to hook me up with some of her friends?"
- Jayball
"So what does Roxy look like down there? Does she keep it trimmed? Does she keep it shaved? What's the deal?"
- Anonymous
"Jethro, don't you know it's a breach of etiquette to kiss and tell?"
- Roxy
"Total trash, what are you trying to do? Become a porno writer. Your friend Roxy sounds like a slut and you look like a moron writing about things of such nature. I hope the rest of the family doesn't read it. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
- Cousin Sally
"How much more of this Roxy bullshit do I have to listen to. Boring! That's all I have to say about it. Oh, one last thing brain surgeon. I am not going to read this shit anymore!"
- Uncle Ned
"Hell yes, I loved it! My favorite part is when you said 'I took what appeared to be a diamond stud and the body part it was attached to and put it in my mouth.' Any fucking guy, as long as he's not a homo, can picture that. Keep up the good work!"
- Mad Max
"I didn't like it a whole lot. It wasn't one of your better efforts."
- Ex wife
"Do you think you could get Roxy to hook me up with some of her friends?"
- Jayball
"So what does Roxy look like down there? Does she keep it trimmed? Does she keep it shaved? What's the deal?"
- Anonymous
"Jethro, don't you know it's a breach of etiquette to kiss and tell?"
- Roxy
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas sees Roxy's new piercing....Part 2
"Jethro, I just finished yoga and I want to shower before I head back to San Diego. I will be over in about fifteen minutes." I wasn't planning on seeing Roxy again before she left town - but as luck would have it - a hot yoga class brought her my way. Twenty minutes or so go by and I hear a knock at the door. I answer and lo and behold there stood her majesty. "Do you want me to fix you something to eat or drink?" I asked. She looked a bit ragged. Three days of nonstop partying coupled with a few sessions of hot yoga will do that to a girl. "No, I don't want anything to fucking eat or drink. I just want to use your shower and then hit the road to San Diego." She was acting really cranky, so I thought it best to skip the small talk. I give her a couple of clean towels and point the way to the shower.
She spends twenty minutes or so showering and then I hear her say, "Jethro, where is my bag?" I notified her it was in my room. She then walks in wearing nothing but a towel. "Jethro, turn around. I need to get dressed. I am in a huge hurry." I ask politely if I could see her new piercing again. She tells me this - "Jethro, you have already seen it. You had your fun the other day. I don't have time, I am already late. The answer is no!" - I tell her this, "All I want to do is see it. Just let me see it and I will leave you alone. I promise." She then says, "What part of no don't you understand? Now turn around so I can get dressed." I then start whining and complaining like a five year old. "I just want to see it. That's it, nothing else. Please, pretty please - with sugar and spice - I will leave you alone if you just show it to me." I was now on both knees.
She looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes and says - "Jethro, you are without a doubt the most pathetic guy I have ever been with." - She then drops the towel and exposes her naked body. "You see it, OK, now it is time for you to leave me in peace. I have to get going." She reaches down into her bag and grabs a pair of panties. As she is getting ready to put them on, I tell her this. "Hold on, I didn't get a good enough look," I then move right next to her. "Jethro, I don't have time for your hijinks right now, I am going to be late," she says. I promise her that all I want to do is get a better look and it won't take but a minute. I pick her up and ease her onto my bed. "Jethro, goddammit, you already had your fun the other day. You just don't get to fuck me whenever you want." I told her again that I just wanted to see her new piercing again. That's it! "Jethro, why did I get involved with you? Just fuck me fast because I am in a big hurry." She then opens her legs and reveals her new piercing to me for the second time.
After we're finished, I tell her this - "I wrote a blog post about us the other day. You want me to read it to you?" Roxy's attitude is indifferent when it comes to my blog. "OK, read it to me fast while I get dressed," she tells me. I then read it and after finishing, she says this. "Jethro, you make me look like a slut. Goddammit, don't you know it's not polite to kiss and tell?" I told her the blog was only being read by a few of my friends in the Midwest and she shouldn't worry about it. After my statement, she tells me this. "I have an idea for a new blog - Mr. Blogger - I will write it. I am going to call it 'I fucked the Pillsbury Doughboy," she then pokes my love handle with her finger. "I can blog about how you lick my honey hole, as you so eloquently call it, with your doughboy tongue and how you fuck me with your doughboy dick. I bet a lot of people out there are curious about what it's like to have sex with the Pillsbury Doughboy. I could tell them first hand. What do you say Mr. Kiss and Tell? Do you think that would make a good blog?"
She spends twenty minutes or so showering and then I hear her say, "Jethro, where is my bag?" I notified her it was in my room. She then walks in wearing nothing but a towel. "Jethro, turn around. I need to get dressed. I am in a huge hurry." I ask politely if I could see her new piercing again. She tells me this - "Jethro, you have already seen it. You had your fun the other day. I don't have time, I am already late. The answer is no!" - I tell her this, "All I want to do is see it. Just let me see it and I will leave you alone. I promise." She then says, "What part of no don't you understand? Now turn around so I can get dressed." I then start whining and complaining like a five year old. "I just want to see it. That's it, nothing else. Please, pretty please - with sugar and spice - I will leave you alone if you just show it to me." I was now on both knees.
She looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes and says - "Jethro, you are without a doubt the most pathetic guy I have ever been with." - She then drops the towel and exposes her naked body. "You see it, OK, now it is time for you to leave me in peace. I have to get going." She reaches down into her bag and grabs a pair of panties. As she is getting ready to put them on, I tell her this. "Hold on, I didn't get a good enough look," I then move right next to her. "Jethro, I don't have time for your hijinks right now, I am going to be late," she says. I promise her that all I want to do is get a better look and it won't take but a minute. I pick her up and ease her onto my bed. "Jethro, goddammit, you already had your fun the other day. You just don't get to fuck me whenever you want." I told her again that I just wanted to see her new piercing again. That's it! "Jethro, why did I get involved with you? Just fuck me fast because I am in a big hurry." She then opens her legs and reveals her new piercing to me for the second time.
After we're finished, I tell her this - "I wrote a blog post about us the other day. You want me to read it to you?" Roxy's attitude is indifferent when it comes to my blog. "OK, read it to me fast while I get dressed," she tells me. I then read it and after finishing, she says this. "Jethro, you make me look like a slut. Goddammit, don't you know it's not polite to kiss and tell?" I told her the blog was only being read by a few of my friends in the Midwest and she shouldn't worry about it. After my statement, she tells me this. "I have an idea for a new blog - Mr. Blogger - I will write it. I am going to call it 'I fucked the Pillsbury Doughboy," she then pokes my love handle with her finger. "I can blog about how you lick my honey hole, as you so eloquently call it, with your doughboy tongue and how you fuck me with your doughboy dick. I bet a lot of people out there are curious about what it's like to have sex with the Pillsbury Doughboy. I could tell them first hand. What do you say Mr. Kiss and Tell? Do you think that would make a good blog?"
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas sees Roxy's new piercing.
"Raven hair and ruby lips, sparks fly from her fingertips. Echoed voices in the night. She's a restless spirit on an endless flight. Oooh-hoo, witchy women. See how high she flies. Oooh-hoo witchy women....She's got the moon in her eyes."
The Eagles - Witchy Woman
Last week Roxy called and said she was coming to town. She had asked me to talk with my Chinese buddies and see if I could score her a room at the Cosmopolitan. As usual, I obliged her majesty. And now with room keys in hand I found myself this Saturday waiting in the lobby of the Cosmo for her arrival. "Jethro, come down to valet. I just got in." The text message was straight forward enough. So I venture down to valet parking and the very first person I see is Roxy. We trade glances and then she says this - "Don't just stand there. Get my bags." - without hesitation I grab two large suitcases and a smaller side bag. I inform her that she only has the room for three days and it seems as if she has three weeks worth of luggage. She says this to me - "Jethro, a girl has to be prepared. I can't wear the same clothes everyday like you do." I then let her know that I switch sweat pants up every third day, thank you very much. We both share a laugh at the remark as we're stepping into the elevator to take us to the room.
I open the room door and we step in, "I got you a room with a view of the strip, as you requested." She walks to the window; opens the shades and looks out over Las Vegas Boulevard. "This room is so nice Jethro, thank you very much." Roxy's aura was beaming as she surveyed the rest of the room. I then asked where to put the luggage. She points to the bed. After obliging the request, I slide into the living room and take a seat on the couch. She spends a few more minutes exploring the room and tells me this is the first time she has stayed at the Cosmopolitan. She then adds this to the conversation, "Carmen is coming over later and we're going to hit the pool and do some clubbing later tonight. I would invite you - but you're too much of a buzz kill - plus you're broke." We both snicker at the comment and then start talking about how nice the weather is.
A few more minutes trot by and I say this to her - "You said you had a new piercing you were going to show me. Well, I am ready to see it." She looks at me with a devilish smile and says, "Jethro, is that all you have been thinking about? God, men are all the same." It was now my turn to flash a devilish smile at her, "Well, no better time than the present, let's see it." I stated. She then walks by me as if to sneak away, but I grab her gently by the waist and pull her to me before she is able. At this point I am sitting on the couch and she is standing directly in front of me. "Jesus Jethro, is that all you want?" She was wearing a yellow sundress and in no time I had both hands underneath it on her bare thighs. My hands then sauntered up to her hips. I felt G-strings on both sides and slowly began to unravel them, "I have a boyfriend Jethro. I am not supposed to be doing this." She could have stopped me at anytime, but she didn't. When the panties reached her ankles - she slinked out of them smoothly - one foot at a time.
I then move her softly by the hips and lie her on the couch. After that I place one of her legs on the top of the couch cushion. The other was left dangling off the couch, almost touching the floor. I then push the remainder of the yellow sundress above her waist. It was now time for me to see her new piercing. "I can't see it. Where is it?" My chin was resting on her right thigh at the time of the comment - "Are you blind Jethro? It's right there" - she took her finger and pointed at it, "I need to get a better look," I replied. I then slide my way to within three inches of it. "I still can't see it," I told her. "It's right there. You must be blind." This time she puts her finger directly on it. "Wait! wait! wait! I think I see it now. I am moving in for a really good look," I reply - at this point the tease was up - I gently put what appeared to be a diamond stud and the body part it was attached to in my mouth. My tongue began caressing both, "Jesus Jethro," she moaned. "Why did I get involved with you?" Before she could utter another word, I took the forefinger and middle finger of my left hand - pressed them together - and eased both inside her. "Oh God! Jethro why are you doing this to me?" Her hips began gyrating and her moans grew a few decibels louder. "I shouldn't be doing this. I told myself that I wasn't going to sleep with you again, but that doesn't really matter to you. You're going to fuck me anyways."
"Jethro, I want you to be honest with me about something." At the time, both of us were standing in a steaming shower pawing at one another. Our tryst was close to its end and it was nearly time for me to leave her. "What do you want to know?" I said. She then looks me directly in the eyes and says, "Do you really love me like you say you do? I don't want you to say it if you don't really mean it." I have been very forthright about my feelings towards her, and nothing has changed. I reiterated the sentiment and she tells me this, "Jethro, I don't want you to get mad at me, but sometimes I feel I love you and sometimes I am unsure. I just don't know with you and I."
The Eagles - Witchy Woman
Last week Roxy called and said she was coming to town. She had asked me to talk with my Chinese buddies and see if I could score her a room at the Cosmopolitan. As usual, I obliged her majesty. And now with room keys in hand I found myself this Saturday waiting in the lobby of the Cosmo for her arrival. "Jethro, come down to valet. I just got in." The text message was straight forward enough. So I venture down to valet parking and the very first person I see is Roxy. We trade glances and then she says this - "Don't just stand there. Get my bags." - without hesitation I grab two large suitcases and a smaller side bag. I inform her that she only has the room for three days and it seems as if she has three weeks worth of luggage. She says this to me - "Jethro, a girl has to be prepared. I can't wear the same clothes everyday like you do." I then let her know that I switch sweat pants up every third day, thank you very much. We both share a laugh at the remark as we're stepping into the elevator to take us to the room.
I open the room door and we step in, "I got you a room with a view of the strip, as you requested." She walks to the window; opens the shades and looks out over Las Vegas Boulevard. "This room is so nice Jethro, thank you very much." Roxy's aura was beaming as she surveyed the rest of the room. I then asked where to put the luggage. She points to the bed. After obliging the request, I slide into the living room and take a seat on the couch. She spends a few more minutes exploring the room and tells me this is the first time she has stayed at the Cosmopolitan. She then adds this to the conversation, "Carmen is coming over later and we're going to hit the pool and do some clubbing later tonight. I would invite you - but you're too much of a buzz kill - plus you're broke." We both snicker at the comment and then start talking about how nice the weather is.
A few more minutes trot by and I say this to her - "You said you had a new piercing you were going to show me. Well, I am ready to see it." She looks at me with a devilish smile and says, "Jethro, is that all you have been thinking about? God, men are all the same." It was now my turn to flash a devilish smile at her, "Well, no better time than the present, let's see it." I stated. She then walks by me as if to sneak away, but I grab her gently by the waist and pull her to me before she is able. At this point I am sitting on the couch and she is standing directly in front of me. "Jesus Jethro, is that all you want?" She was wearing a yellow sundress and in no time I had both hands underneath it on her bare thighs. My hands then sauntered up to her hips. I felt G-strings on both sides and slowly began to unravel them, "I have a boyfriend Jethro. I am not supposed to be doing this." She could have stopped me at anytime, but she didn't. When the panties reached her ankles - she slinked out of them smoothly - one foot at a time.
I then move her softly by the hips and lie her on the couch. After that I place one of her legs on the top of the couch cushion. The other was left dangling off the couch, almost touching the floor. I then push the remainder of the yellow sundress above her waist. It was now time for me to see her new piercing. "I can't see it. Where is it?" My chin was resting on her right thigh at the time of the comment - "Are you blind Jethro? It's right there" - she took her finger and pointed at it, "I need to get a better look," I replied. I then slide my way to within three inches of it. "I still can't see it," I told her. "It's right there. You must be blind." This time she puts her finger directly on it. "Wait! wait! wait! I think I see it now. I am moving in for a really good look," I reply - at this point the tease was up - I gently put what appeared to be a diamond stud and the body part it was attached to in my mouth. My tongue began caressing both, "Jesus Jethro," she moaned. "Why did I get involved with you?" Before she could utter another word, I took the forefinger and middle finger of my left hand - pressed them together - and eased both inside her. "Oh God! Jethro why are you doing this to me?" Her hips began gyrating and her moans grew a few decibels louder. "I shouldn't be doing this. I told myself that I wasn't going to sleep with you again, but that doesn't really matter to you. You're going to fuck me anyways."
"Jethro, I want you to be honest with me about something." At the time, both of us were standing in a steaming shower pawing at one another. Our tryst was close to its end and it was nearly time for me to leave her. "What do you want to know?" I said. She then looks me directly in the eyes and says, "Do you really love me like you say you do? I don't want you to say it if you don't really mean it." I have been very forthright about my feelings towards her, and nothing has changed. I reiterated the sentiment and she tells me this, "Jethro, I don't want you to get mad at me, but sometimes I feel I love you and sometimes I am unsure. I just don't know with you and I."
Friday, April 4, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas hooks Roxy up with a room.
"Jethro, give me a call. I need to talk to you about something." I'll admit it, I was a bit surprised to find a text message from Roxy on my phone. I hadn't talked with her in a few weeks and for all intensive purposes had given up any hope of the two of us being together. I thought about ignoring her request, but that lasted all of two seconds. I called back immediately to see what she wanted.
"Jethro, I need you to do me a favor. Talk to your Chinese buddies and see if they will get me a room next weekend." No please, no 'how are you,' no nothing. "Get me a room next weekend. Talk to your Chinese friends. Go boy, go!" Whatever Roxy wants, Roxy gets. That is how things generally work with her majesty the queen, but not this time. I told her that she was on her own and that I was not going to talk with anyone about getting her a room - "You and I are through, remember? Get your own room." I was feeling very bold when I said that to her.
"Jethro, you fucking prick, don't get smart with me boy. Call your Chinese friends and see if they can get me a room at the Cosmopolitan next weekend. Do you understand?" When most people think of bullies they tend to picture the muscle bound ogre kicking sand in the face of some puny weakling at the beach. I am hear to tell you that is rarely the scenario. At the time - I was talking with a 5'4, 105-110lb, strawberry blond hair, blue eyed, short skirt wearing, Playboy looking, cocaine and vodka loving, California bred beauty. Who in my humble opinion is the biggest bully on the block. "No, I am not going to call them about a room. You will have to try some other place." I reiterated to her again.
"Jethro, don't be an asshole. I had something I was going to show you when I came to town, but since you're being so difficult you can forget it." I told myself I wasn't going to fall for any of her lines, but - as usual - I told myself wrong. "What is it that you were going to show me?" Right then and there she had me hooked. "Jethro, remember when I told you that I was going to have that special place of mine that you like so much pierced? Well I did it. I was going to show it to you, probably even let you play with it when I came to town. But since you're not going to help me out, well, no chance now." Oh boy - that special place she's referring to - well, I am going to save the details, but it's a nice place and I love going there. I then asked about her boyfriend. "Leaving him in San Diego," was her answer.
I told her that I would do what I could and that I would get back to her as soon as I knew something. She then says this to me - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable. I knew that I could count on you. See if your friend can get a room that faces the strip. Let me know as soon as you hear something - Bye now." After she hung up - I felt bad - let's face it, Roxy ran roughshod over me again, and I told myself that wasn't going to happen. Fortunately for me, the thought of seeing and playing with her new piercing quickly squashed any feelings of inadequacy I had at the time.
"Jethro, I need you to do me a favor. Talk to your Chinese buddies and see if they will get me a room next weekend." No please, no 'how are you,' no nothing. "Get me a room next weekend. Talk to your Chinese friends. Go boy, go!" Whatever Roxy wants, Roxy gets. That is how things generally work with her majesty the queen, but not this time. I told her that she was on her own and that I was not going to talk with anyone about getting her a room - "You and I are through, remember? Get your own room." I was feeling very bold when I said that to her.
"Jethro, you fucking prick, don't get smart with me boy. Call your Chinese friends and see if they can get me a room at the Cosmopolitan next weekend. Do you understand?" When most people think of bullies they tend to picture the muscle bound ogre kicking sand in the face of some puny weakling at the beach. I am hear to tell you that is rarely the scenario. At the time - I was talking with a 5'4, 105-110lb, strawberry blond hair, blue eyed, short skirt wearing, Playboy looking, cocaine and vodka loving, California bred beauty. Who in my humble opinion is the biggest bully on the block. "No, I am not going to call them about a room. You will have to try some other place." I reiterated to her again.
"Jethro, don't be an asshole. I had something I was going to show you when I came to town, but since you're being so difficult you can forget it." I told myself I wasn't going to fall for any of her lines, but - as usual - I told myself wrong. "What is it that you were going to show me?" Right then and there she had me hooked. "Jethro, remember when I told you that I was going to have that special place of mine that you like so much pierced? Well I did it. I was going to show it to you, probably even let you play with it when I came to town. But since you're not going to help me out, well, no chance now." Oh boy - that special place she's referring to - well, I am going to save the details, but it's a nice place and I love going there. I then asked about her boyfriend. "Leaving him in San Diego," was her answer.
I told her that I would do what I could and that I would get back to her as soon as I knew something. She then says this to me - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable. I knew that I could count on you. See if your friend can get a room that faces the strip. Let me know as soon as you hear something - Bye now." After she hung up - I felt bad - let's face it, Roxy ran roughshod over me again, and I told myself that wasn't going to happen. Fortunately for me, the thought of seeing and playing with her new piercing quickly squashed any feelings of inadequacy I had at the time.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
The village idiot of Las Vegas runs into a heroine addict.
"The Angel of Darkness is upon you. Stuck a needle in your arm. So take another toke, another blow for your nose. One more drink fool will drown you....Ooooh that smell. Can't you smell that smell? Ooooh that smell...the smell of death surrounds you."
Lynyrd Skynyrd - That Smell
The other day I went looking for an old friend of mine from the street. I've been trying to locate him for the last two months or so. The first place I looked was an abandoned building on the corner of Jones and Sahara. Last time we talked he told me he was squatting there. When I looked into the windows it appeared as though the place had been cleaned out and new locks put on the doors. I figured if he wasn't there, he had to be somewhere close. I then cruised over to Jones and New Holland. I looked out the window when I reached the corner and saw another old acquaintance of mine from the street. He was sitting on a bus bench drinking a beer. I immediately pull the car over and jump out. I was for certain that he would know where Boatie was.
"Stryker, have you seen Boatie? I have been looking for him and I'm not having any luck." Stryker is a youngin'. I would guess he's twenty three, twenty four at the very oldest. He's a good looking kid. I have told him on a number of occasions that he could win a James Franco lookalike contest. Unfortunately- Stryker - like so many other homeless, is a raging addict. He told me that crack was his first love. But after a while it wasn't giving him the high he craved, so he turned to heroine. When I was on the street, I always did my best to avoid Stryker. If he wasn't high he was a mean bastard. One time we almost got in a fight. I backed down because I didn't want to touch him. Stryker has more needle marks than a porcupine and the thought of fighting him gave me the creeps.
He was wearing the same black hoodie and brown baseball cap as the first time I met him. It appeared like both had been recently washed, I remember them being much filthier than they currently were. "Stryker, have you seen Boatie?" I asked again - this time standing directly in front of him - after my second query, he looks directly at me and says in a slurred speech - "No man, I haven't seen that motherfucker. Hey man, do you have a couple of dollars you could spare. I don't feel so good and I want to get something to eat." He was loaded. And when a person is loaded on heroine like he was, forget about it. It is impossible to communicate with them. Stryker has shot so much heroine in the last few years that it's hard for him to find a vein. Last time we talked he told me he was shooting up between his toes because it was the only place he could find a vein.
I reached in my pocket, pulled out a dollar and gave it to him. At first I didn't want to because I know what he most likely is going to do with the money, but nonetheless it was the right thing to do. I then told him that if he saw Boatie to please be sure to let him know I was looking for him. I should have saved my breath, he was too gone to remember anything.
Lynyrd Skynyrd - That Smell
The other day I went looking for an old friend of mine from the street. I've been trying to locate him for the last two months or so. The first place I looked was an abandoned building on the corner of Jones and Sahara. Last time we talked he told me he was squatting there. When I looked into the windows it appeared as though the place had been cleaned out and new locks put on the doors. I figured if he wasn't there, he had to be somewhere close. I then cruised over to Jones and New Holland. I looked out the window when I reached the corner and saw another old acquaintance of mine from the street. He was sitting on a bus bench drinking a beer. I immediately pull the car over and jump out. I was for certain that he would know where Boatie was.
"Stryker, have you seen Boatie? I have been looking for him and I'm not having any luck." Stryker is a youngin'. I would guess he's twenty three, twenty four at the very oldest. He's a good looking kid. I have told him on a number of occasions that he could win a James Franco lookalike contest. Unfortunately- Stryker - like so many other homeless, is a raging addict. He told me that crack was his first love. But after a while it wasn't giving him the high he craved, so he turned to heroine. When I was on the street, I always did my best to avoid Stryker. If he wasn't high he was a mean bastard. One time we almost got in a fight. I backed down because I didn't want to touch him. Stryker has more needle marks than a porcupine and the thought of fighting him gave me the creeps.
He was wearing the same black hoodie and brown baseball cap as the first time I met him. It appeared like both had been recently washed, I remember them being much filthier than they currently were. "Stryker, have you seen Boatie?" I asked again - this time standing directly in front of him - after my second query, he looks directly at me and says in a slurred speech - "No man, I haven't seen that motherfucker. Hey man, do you have a couple of dollars you could spare. I don't feel so good and I want to get something to eat." He was loaded. And when a person is loaded on heroine like he was, forget about it. It is impossible to communicate with them. Stryker has shot so much heroine in the last few years that it's hard for him to find a vein. Last time we talked he told me he was shooting up between his toes because it was the only place he could find a vein.
I reached in my pocket, pulled out a dollar and gave it to him. At first I didn't want to because I know what he most likely is going to do with the money, but nonetheless it was the right thing to do. I then told him that if he saw Boatie to please be sure to let him know I was looking for him. I should have saved my breath, he was too gone to remember anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)