company jets impress women...

It is the Thursday before Roy comes to town. I'm on a scheduled therapy call with Lacey. The Chiefs in last place is the furthest thing from our discussion:

"This weekend should be one to remember. Are the two of you ready for Legend?"

"We are Mr. Astle."

The company jet is flying Roy to Phoenix for a three way Halloween weekend.

"What do you have planned for him? Besides the obvious."

"It's not of your concern."

"Okay," adding with a smile, "Don't matter any way. He'll brag about it. I'll get the details from him."

"He will do no such thing. He's not the man you remember from the past. Kara & I are helping him evolve into something much more productive."

"Evolve," rolling my eyes, "We're talking about Roy Cumpton. He's not going to evolve into shit. He's playing the role in order to live out a fantasy. That's it."

"There's where you are wrong Mr. Astle."

"What do you mean?"

"It's our fantasy...not just his."

We chat about a few mandates & she asks:

"Have you seen mama lately?"

"I did. She is as chipper as ever."

My therapist finds it intriguing the eighty seven year old mother of my crush doubles as my best friend.

"What is she up to?"

"I saw her in the parking lot getting ready to return some watermelons to Albertson's."

"Why?"

"They were like cucumbers & weren't ripe enough."

"What about Kendra? Didn't you tell me she was coming to town?"

"Come & gone already."

"What was she up to?"

"Nothing much from what I gathered."

"Did those romantic flames rekindle?"

"They did for me. Not for her unfortunately."

"Why do you think women find you so repulsive."

"It's the whole vibe I give off is what Roxy would always tell me."

"What kind of vibe?"

"The miserable sometimes lovable loser vibe is how she phrased it."

"There's nothing lovable about you."

"I don't appreciate the harshness Lacey."

"Tough," is her immediate response, "Tell me more about mama."

"I met mama's gentlemen friend the other night. He's a pleasant fella."

"Good for mama," adding with a smile, "What were they doing?"

"Headed to a production of Chicago in Tempe," adding in all honesty, "She was dressed to the nine's. I'm pretty sure mama was planning on a good time."

"It sounds like mama can still kill it. Even at eighty seven."

"Sure can Lacey. No doubt about it."

The conversation shifts back to Roy's pending visit this weekend.

"If you really want to be impressed have him give you a tour of the company jet. It's pimped out."

"What do you mean?"

Company jets impress women:

"I think it's a Lear, not quite sure. One thing for certain Lacey. It's a love vessel in the sky. The three of you should consummate your relationship in it. Are you & Kendra mile high club members?"

"Not yet," is her telling answer.

"Roy is a platinum club member."

The thought of him in a daisy chain with a couple twenty somethings while being flown around on the company jet is an image now seared in my head. Only Roy possesses the wherewithal to turn such fantasies into real life situations.

the Renaissance man...

Roy is in danger of losing his Alpha card:

"The Chiefs got a lot of work to do if there's going to be a parade."

"Didn't watch them. I'm finding more constructive things to do with my time."

"Like What?"

"While they were getting slaughtered I was conversing with the muses on a Skype call."

"Did you have any action going this weekend?"

"Nope, the muses have convinced me gambling is a waste of money."

"You already know that genius," rolling my eyes & adding, "Everyone is getting sick & tired of you rambling on about them. They've cast a spell on you."

He'll bet multiple dimes over the usual weekend. The muses, as he so eloquently refers to them, have convinced him otherwise. Give me a break!

"The muses & I will be one in two short weeks."

I can't take anymore:

"Roy, Roy, Roy," repeating his name in disgust, "You're losing your coolness over these hussies."

"What do you mean?"

"It's the muses this & the muses that. It's not very Alpha like."

"I've been discussing things with the muses..."

"Here we go again."

"As I was trying to state before you rudely interrupted me. The muses have labeled me a Renaissance man. The Alpha part of my life is behind me."

"A Renaissance man," with a shake of my head, "The three of you are a bunch of cuckoo birds. You don't even know what one is."

"The muses are referring to me as such."

"What a fool these broads are turning you into."

"You're jealous," arrogance in his tone.

"I'm not jealous," emphasis in mine.

"Than what is it?"

"It's you Roy. I figured when this whole thing got rolling you'd fly the company jet out here & fuck each one of them a couple of times. Afterwards, you'd hop back on the jet & fly home with a smile on your face & a new chapter for your memoirs. All this additional bullshit is nothing more than Lacey & Kara's psychobabble getting to you."

"It's more than just the sex..."

"Oh please," interrupting the spell, "The only thing going through your mind is sweet pea salad in a box."

"Sexual gratification is a major part of any polyamorous relationship. It's not the only thing though. There's much more to it."

"Like what Mr. Poly?"

"Uh, uh, uh."

"Look," interrupting his mumbling, "I don't want to hear anymore about the muses; or you being a Renaissance man; or any other nonsense for that matter. All I want you to do is provide me the juicy details of what it's like to have a couple of young hotties ride up & down on you."

 

a grin on his face...

"I chatted with a friend of mine yesterday. He's going to swoop me up at the airport in Springfield February 14th."

"Springfield, Illinois?"

"Springfield, Missouri."

"Why are you going there?"

"A Super Bowl parade Lacey. It's only a few hours from Kansas City. I'm going to fly in there & ride up with him to the parade."

"When is it?"

"We're guessing the 15th or 16th. Which is a Tuesday or Wednesday."

"Don't they have to win it first?"

"They're going to win it all this season. I don't give a shit what anyone else says. It'll be parade time again in February."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Simply Mahomes," is my immediate response.

"Legend stated he is a big fan of the Chiefs as well."

"We had season tickets together for a few years. It was a blast!

"Maybe the three of us can watch the game when he comes to town," is her suggestion.

"The Chiefs in last place is the last thing on his mind right now."

"What do you mean?"

"He's going to have one thing on his mind when he comes to visit you & Kara. Football is not it."

We chat about a couple mandates & then she inquires:

"Have you seen mama lately?"

The therapist finds it intriguing my best friend is the eighty seven year old mother of my crush.

"I saw her earlier in the day."

"Kendra is suppose to be in town soon if memory serves me right."

"She'll be here Friday is what mama said."

"What else did you guys talk about?"

"Mama paid me a compliment."

"What did she say?"

"She said I looked good. It brought a smile to my face for sure."

"It sounds like you are chasing the wrong member of the family."

"It's funny you say that Lacey because I tell Kendra all the time, 'If mama was twenty years younger & I was twenty years older; we'd be an item."

"That's so cute Mr. Astle."

"It's the truth Lacey."

"Is mama still on the wagon?"

"I didn't ask. She'll fall off of it for sure when her daughter arrives."

"Why do you say that?"

"She told me so."

We chat about another mandate & then I ask.

"Where's Kara at?"

"On her way to Pilates."

The thought of Roy's old ass pancaked with a couple of young sculpted broads jumping up & down on him like a trampoline...a jealous streak is ignited yet again.

"I don't want you two to kill him. He's an old guy. This polyamorous stuff might be too much for him."

"I told him you said that," her smile illuminating.

"What did he say?"

"At least he'll go out with a grin on his face."

transfixed...

"You've got Legend brainwashed. He's behaving like a love struck school boy."

"He'll be joining us in the poly life soon."

Today's session focuses on Legend's burgeoning polyamorous relationship with Lacey & Kara.

"Legend is fifty two years old. He's not in his twenties anymore. Two young lasses at once might kill him."

"Mr. Astle," with confidence in her voice, "He's an Alpha male. The two of us are nothing more than his servants."

"That sounds like a great role play Lacey," adding in all seriousness, "What happens when the two of you go to mount him & the old bastard has a heart attack because his ticker can't take the excitement?"

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it? Would you & Kara feel guilty if it happened?"

"Legend's don't crumble under pressure. It will be us struggling to satisfy his appetite."

She's as transfixed as he is. 

"All I know for sure is the three of you need to hurry up & get this thing consummated. People are tired of hearing about it in the blog."

Legend maps a three way...

Anticipation of Legend's three way is killing me. He reveals a few details:

"I'll be flying out to Phoenix at the end of the month to attend a polyamorous Halloween party."

"What the hell is that?"

"Just like it sounds. It's a Halloween party with a bunch of poly's."

"Poly's," rolling my eyes, "Are you reciting the dialect now?"

"I am Mr. Astle. The muses have opened my eyes to a new world."

"Don't call me Mr. Astle jerk off. It makes you sound like Lacey," adding with a shake of my head, "What else have the muses enlightened you to?"

"Did you know they're forty six different types of sexual orientation?"

"I did not."

"Would you like to hear our diagnosis of you?"

"Let's hear it Dr. Ruth."

"You are an autoromatic."

"A what?"

"Autoromatic," repeating in a firm voice.

"What the hell is that?"

"Those who identify often describe the relationship they have with themselves as romantic."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. You are an autoromatic."

"That's Lacey's psycho babble getting to you. When did you start caring about the different sorts of sexuality?"

"The muses are showing the way."

"Stop calling them muses please. It's non Alpha when you talk like that."

"I can't help it," in a love struck tone, "The muses are waiting for me."

 I question his knowledge of the Kama Sutra:

"How many positions are in the works?"

"They're twenty three core positions stated. We'll explore each during my visit."

The thought of him pancaked while a couple of twenty seven year old broads jump up & down on him like a pogo stick ignites a curious streak.

"What's the first position you are going to try? You got to start somewhere."

"The daisy chain is how we will start things out."

"What's the daisy chain?"

"It's when you lie on your side in a circle with your face buried in a honey hole."

"I thought that was the sixty nine plus one."

"That's what they called it back in our day. The pansexual generation renamed it."

"What comes after the daisy chain?"

"The double cowgirl."

"You don't have to explain that one. What comes after it?"

"The human centipede."

"What's that?"

"All three of us on our knees rimming the person in front of them. It's Kara's favorite."

"What's Lacey's favorite?"

"The reverse cowgirl plus one."

"You don't have to explain that either."

He's put extensive thought into the game plan. I ask if he'll have any free time to stop by & say hi while in town.

"Nope," answering immediately, "The muses will occupy every single moment of my being."

Wednesday's therapy session...

In today's session we converse about my eighty seven year old best friend & her lovely daughter; Lacey & Kara's burgeoning polyamorous relationship with Legend is touched upon briefly as well:

"I spoke with my best friend today."

"How's she doing?"

"Her regular chipper self."

"When does Kendra come back to town?"

"Middle of the month is what mama said."

"Do you still have romantic feelings towards her?"

Lacey finds it intriguing the eighty seven year old mother of my crush doubles as my best friend.

"Yes, every time she comes to town I fall in love again."

"You are a hopeless romantic Mr. Astle."

"Hopeless is more like it."

"Tell me more about mama."

"She quit drinking. It's been a week already."

"Does she have a problem?"

"Goodness no, the extra calories of alcohol were adding unwanted weight is her biggest complaint."

"At eighty seven years old a few extra calories aren't that big of deal. She should enjoy her life to the fullest."

"She does Lacey."

"Has mama been driving around?"

Her driving is unpopular with her daughter. They're a few exceptions:

"There's a little circle Kendra permits. Basically, she can go to the store & health clubs. They're a few blocks away. Anything past is considered out of the circle & frowned upon by her daughter."

We discuss mandates & I reveal:

"Do you want to know what mama's secret is to quit drinking?"

"Sure," is her immediate reply.

"She's focusing on other things when survival hour strikes."

"Survival hour?"

"That's what they call it instead of happy hour."

"Oh, I see, go on with the story."

"When the clock strikes five she thinks about other tasks instead of drinking."

"Like what?"

"A couple of the days she went on a walk; another time she cleaned the kitchen; yesterday it was the patio. Keeping herself moving instead of sitting in a recliner drinking vodka is the key."

"Idle time is the devils play thing."

"It certainly is Lacey," adding, "There's one more thing I have to tell you."

"What's that?"

"I've been requesting everyone who reads the blog rate the writing for me 1-10. It's been mostly five' & sixes. Guess what she rated it."

"What?"

"A perfect ten. It made my day."

I've been told not to ask; curiosity is getting the best of me:

"Tell me what's going on with Legend. Have you guys set a time & place to consummate the relationship?"

"Nunya, Mr. Astle," adding in a stern tone, "You've already been instructed not to inquire about it. Legend told us you'd be jealous."

Lacey, Kara & Legend are in the midst of a burgeoning polyamourous relationship I helped facilitate. Let's hear how it's progressing. She refuses to say.

"He's going to kiss & tell once the relationship is consummated."

"No he won't. He's a changed man from his younger years. The braggadocio stage in his life is over."

"I don't care what he tells you," reiterating evermore, "He won't be able to help himself. He's going to kiss & tell for sure."

Who is Legend?

"How would you rank my writing from one to ten Big C?"

"I'd give you a seven on word style. The problem lies with your lack of character development. You'd get a four on that."

"What do you mean?"

"Reveal more about your characters."

"Who do you want to hear more about?"

"Take Legend for example," with a smile on his face, "He's fifty two, thrice divorced & desires a three way with your pansexual therapist & her fiancee. He caught the winning touchdown pass in the state title game as well. You keep telling us the same thing over & over. Tell us something new about the man."

"Like what?"

"What's he do for a living?"

"He's in the family business."

"What's that?"

"Energy, construction & philandering."

"Where's he live?"

"He's a Texas resident via Kansas. The business moved down there a long time ago & he followed."

"How long have you known him?"

"Since the sixth grade."

"Did he go to Emporia State?"

"Yes sir, I roomed with him for a year."

"Wow, you really do know this guy. What is the one word you would use to describe him?"

"He is a scandalous bastard indeed."

the braggadocio...

Our sessions become ever stranger:

"Did you come to an arrangement with Legend?"

"We did Mr. Astle."

The previous session I facilitated a discussion between Lacey, Kara & Legend as pertains to a burgeoning polyamorous relationship between the three. I'm curious about all the juicy details.

"What's the deal? Is he coming to Scottsdale; or are you headed to Texas?"

"Nunya, is how I'm instructed to answer the question. We all knew you'd ask."

Nunya is slang for none of your business.

"You could at least thank me for the introduction," adding with emphasis, "Acting as a matchmaker for young; female; pansexuals & a fifty two year old; thrice divorced; living legend is not for the feint of heart."

"Mr. Astle, thank you for the introduction. That's all your role is. The three of us have decided to exercise discretion."

"Discretion," with a smirk, "Don't act naive Lacey."

"What do you mean?"

"With guys the story isn't complete until they brag about it to their buddies. Legend is no exception."

"He's past the braggadocio stage in life Mr. Astle. It's neanderthals like yourself who enjoy boasting. That's if you find a women desperate enough to sleep with you."

Her wicked tongue fails to dissuade my belief he will brag:

"You can believe whatever you want Little Red Riding Hood."

"Who is that?"

"Google it for Christ sake's."

"He's a different man from his younger days. He's also an accomplished man...unlike yourself. Our relationship working is his number one goal in life. You are jealous."

"Of course he wants it to work. Any fifty two year old straight guy with a working unit would kill to have sex with a couple of twenty seven year old hotties," adding with more emphasis than before, "I quit being jealous a long time ago. Just remember, he is going to brag. I guarantee it!"