The Guns-N-Roses song Welcome to the Jungle is one of my favorite tunes. I have gone Weird Al Yankovic on it a little. See, whenever I walk into my current abode the melodies start going through my head. It's the lyrics I have changed:
"Welcome to the shit hole, we got dirty dishes, we got a filthy refrigerator, we got cockroaches - in the shit hole, welcome to the shit hole." Again, this is a little taste of a parody I wrote that was inspired by my current living conditions. One of these days I will incorporate more lyrics into it.
"Goddammit boy- what the fuck is that smell? It smells like someone died in this motherfucker!" - a pungent smell with no comparable description was coming from the kitchen, "Jesus, has anyone seen that new guy lately? Maybe he died and it is the smell of his body decomposing," I add.
"No, that's not the smell of a dead body," James, one of my five roommates, use to work in the medical field - "It smells like someone got wasted and took a piss on the floor somewhere." The smell was so filthy that both of us decided to investigate its origin and do what we could to eliminate it - "I found it," he says. He then lifts up an old mop that had been setting in the corner of the kitchen -- "Let's get this motherfucker out of here and things will smell better." He picks it up and waves it around as he is throwing it out...the smell nearly knocks me out! "Goddammit, this place is a shit hole," I state once again - He nods in agreement.
Later that night I am standing in the kitchen with another roommate (Keith). He is fixing carne asada on the stove top - I hear him say -- "I got you this time motherfucker," and without hesitation he squashes a cockroach that was crawling on the wall with the spatula he was using to fix the carne asada with - "We won't be seeing him around anymore," he laughs and says.
Watching him splat the cockroach all over the wall with the spatula was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. The problem is he was so drunk he forgot to get a new spatula to work the carne asada with - "Here, man, try some of this shit. It tastes just like a street vendor would make," I ask if he remembered to switch out spatulas after he squashed the cockroach - He gives me a bewildered look and says -- "Fuck, I forgot to do that - Well, it looks like the alley cats are going to eat well tonight." He then walks outside and dumps a full skillet of carne asada in the backyard. Ten minutes later every stray cat in North Las Vegas is feasting.
As I set here putting the finishing touches on my post I think about what Roxy told me - "Jethro, I can tell you one thing for certain. I will never set foot in a shit hole like the one you are living in now - Never!" I have come to the conclusion she is to highbrow for me. I need to find a girl around the neighborhood - I keep my room spotless. I will tell her to close her eyes and hold her nose when I bring her over. Once she gets back to my room things will be fine.
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