The village idiot of Las Vegas is given no chance by Jayball.

"Take your forefinger and your thumb and join them at the tip. What does it make?" Riggs is a living legend in Las Vegas - Me? Not so much...but still one must stay positive. "Riggs," I say with scant confidence in my tone, "You never know. It could happen."

The reason for the disagreement is because I told him I could get the J.Lo lookalike at North Las Vegas city hall to go out with me. He said the statement was the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard - "Look," he says again, "Do it for me. Come On! Take the tip of your forefinger and the tip of your thumb and press them together. What does it make?" I try to interrupt and he continues, "What does it make Jethro? It makes a fucking zero! That's how much chance you have with a women like that."

I know he is right, but goddammit there's always that slim chance she might say yes...stranger things have happened. Right? - "Jayball," I say again...this time with even less confidence, "She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I can't get her off my mind. If she would go out with me I would feel like I was the luckiest guy in North Las Vegas. I am going to ask her out and see what happens."

After my declaration he mumbles on about how I am going to look like a fool when she says no and how he tried to save me from the embarrassment, he then adds, one more time - "Seriously Jethro, take the tip of your forefinger and the tip of your thumb and press them together. What does it make? It makes a zero! That's how much chance you have of her going out with you," he then hangs up without saying bye.

The village idiot of Las Vegas and the million Hispanics in his neighborhood.

Definitions of organic growth differ depending on who you ask or what the situation is. I have been mulling over an organic growth strategy aimed at the Latino market in North Las Vegas:

"Dan, how many people do you think are out there playing and watching soccer?" - I was setting on the bleachers at Hartke Park in North Las Vegas with my BFF - Dan the man - we were surrounded by scores of people ...all of them Hispanic. "I don't know," he says, "But one thing is for certain there are a lot of them."

I then ask if he thought if all the people in the park were assimilated to America, he says, "Probably not all of them, but I would guess a majority. More like ninety percent, most of the first generation, and definitely all of the second." Dan the man has called North Las Vegas home for the better part of thirty years. He is familiar with all the ins and outs of the town.

"Do you think this crowd (Hispanics) would be apt to listen to an idea I have?" I then add, "The basis of it would be attention grabbing with the underlying intention of driving them to a website or collecting their information in a database." He scratches his head and says - "What do you mean? Are you talking about trying to sell them something? What would be the benefit of doing it?"

"Dan," I say with conviction, "If you are going to hit a lick nowadays, especially in the online world, the number one requirement is having a database. There's a ton of room in the Hispanic market. They are projected to account for over a trillion dollars in spending in 2015. I am positive I can give them something they like, or at least pay attention to."

"What do you have in mind?" he says. "Think about this for a moment," I say with a sense of surety, "If I were to aim a blog, or a product, or a service, or even some sort of reality show format at them. That would be getting in at the ground floor, and that is where you want to be!"

The village idiot of Las Vegas watches Jayball finesse his way to another date.

"Jethro, I am going to ask our waitress for her number," Saturday night Jayball and I were watching the fights at Twin Peaks, he then adds - "Do you want to know something else? I have a thing for redheads." Jules, the waitress, had flowing red hair, a rippled stomach, gorgeous facial features and just about everything a heterosexual man finds appealing.

She walks up to our table and asks if we need another round. Jayball, being the living legend he is, says - "You know something sweetheart. I think you are very nice. And since I don't see a ring on your finger I have a question for you," he then reaches out, grabs her hand and adds, "Why don't the two of us go to dinner at Pierro's next week?"

Most women are unable to resist his charm, not all, but most - she smiles and says, "I work every night next week so I'm sorry, I won't be able to do it," she then asks again if we need another round - he says - "Have you ever been to Pierro's?" -- She smiles and says, "No," he quips, "Now is your chance."

What happens next is why I hold him in such high regard: "Well," she smiles and adds, "Since it is Pierro's and I have always wanted to go there. Wednesday evening will work for me." Most men would clear their schedule in a heartbeat if a women like this succumbed to them - I know I would! But not Jayball - "I'm sorry sweetie but Wednesday is the one night I can't make it. I have some friends from Santa Barbara coming to town. What about lunch Thursday?"

She says no initially; then she agrees; then he tells her no; then he offers up an alternative time. For a split second I thought he was going to lose it. But one thing I have learned in all the time I have been around him...living legends rarely lose it. "Thursday for lunch it is," she says, "Hears my number. It's now time for me to go back to work."

"Goddammit Jayball!" I tell him as we are walking to his car, "I thought you were going to blow it. She says no and then yes and then you say no and she says yes again...unbelievable!" What I view as mighty he sees as mundane - "Look, Jethro, it's not that big of deal. I could see by the way she was smiling when I asked that she was interested. She was just playing hard to get...that never works with me."

The village idiot of Las Vegas tells Jayball he will find out more about a gal who works at North Las Vegas city hall.

Jayball calls yesterday and before I can say hi, he says - "Jethro, I was down at North Las Vegas city hall again and I saw her," whenever he is minus a women in his life that's all I hear about. I ask him to clarify which her he is referring to (a number of attractive women work at city hall) - "You know who I am talking about," he says in a giddy tone - "The J.Lo lookalike...the one who works at the reception desk"

I don't understand him nowadays - he has the money, he has the look, he has the charm...he basically has it all. Why does he need me to act as his go between? I ask him such, he says -"She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen Jethro. Most of the time I wouldn't need your help, but for some reason or another I get tongue tied when I see her. I know it is hard to believe - but even the best need help."

Jayball is a living legend in Las Vegas. I can't very well say no to a living legend - "Jayball, I will probably see her today. I will do my best to find out what her deal is," I then say sheepishly, "But, you know, it isn't that easy for me to talk to her about you. What if I wanted to ask her out myself? Did you ever think about that?"

Jayball is an asshole sometimes (he says he is just being real) -  "Okay Jethro, let's think about this for a minute. Let's say you ask her out and by some miracle she agrees. First of all you don't have any wheels. So what will you do? Pick her up on the bus," he lets out a roar of laughter and adds, "Furthermore, you are flat busted! Are you going to ask her to pay for dinner?" - he then lets out another roar of laughter - "Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole about it" he says between his giggling, "It's just that you need to be realistic about things. We both know you have no chance whatsoever with a women like that."

The village idiot of Las Vegas shares an idea with his councilman.

"You know what would be a really good idea councilman," last week I found myself setting in Councilman Barron's office (District 1 - North Las Vegas). I was describing to him what a plausible organic growth strategy could consist of  - "Councilman, what do you think of something like this?" - I then describe to him how beneficial it would prove if a large Latino crowd living in his district is somehow aggregated to a database  - I then add - "No one is paying any attention to the young Latino crowd, at least no one I can see. If someone is able to give them something they find useful - I am positive things will prove beneficial."

Councilman Barron asks - "I'm not following you. Explain it a little more to me," - the councilman is a native son of North Las Vegas. It is obvious he cares deeply about his district and all the constituents who call it home - I do my best to answer his question concisely - "Have you heard the Groupon story?" I ask, he says no - I say - "Groupon started as a call to action site, meaning it's original intention was not to make money - more community service oriented," I then add, "They had so many organic users," he interrupts and tells me to clarify what I mean by an organic user - "No problem," I tell him, "An organic user is someone who comes to your site or blog not because they want to buy a product or service, not in the beginning any way. They are there because you can provide them with something unique, or beneficial, or something they enjoy. Once they become accustom is when your best chance of monetizing occurs - Groupon had twenty thousand of them in the beginning. I feel strongly there are that many or more in North Las Vegas."

The councilman scratches his head after the statement and says - "I don't doubt that Hispanics could make a vital target market. It's just - how are you going to get them to pay attention? I'm not catching that part." I hit him with the reality show format I've been pushing for a while now - I then add - "I have been writing and blogging long enough. I am confident I will be able to produce enough script and non script material to make things interesting." We chat a little more about the weather and then he tells me he has another appointment scheduled in five minutes - I shake his hand, tell him I will chat with him again soon...and out the door I go.

The village idiot of Las Vegas agrees to a request from Roxy.

"Roxy, I love you more than anything in the whole world. I would give anything to be with you. I want you so bad." - I was professing my love to her yet again - this time it was in a room at Caesar's Palace last Friday - "Jethro, I don't know why I keep doing this. Girls like me cost a helluva of a lot more than you'll ever have. Any way, let's get it over with," she stands up from the bed and in one fluid motion strips to her bra and panties- "You have to do the rest dummy," she adds.

I drop to my knees in front of her and put my hands on her curvy waist. I then stare directly at her crotch and began laughing - "Yep, that about sums things up," I say. She was wearing a pair of white cotton panties and the word - Slut - was stitched in red letters across the crotch area. 

She was oblivious to the humor at first and then remembers she is wearing them - "Yeah - I agree Jethro... that sums me up," she then adds, "Any girl who would sleep with you has to be an absolute slut, or blind." I laugh at the slight and without further adieu grab her panties on each hip and roll them to her ankles - she steps out one foot at a time. 

After we finish she asks if I am going to put us being together in my blog again - "Babe, you know I am. Why do you ask?" - she says, "Jethro, I want you to put this in your blog. And I want you to say it just like this - verbatim...promise." I agree - she spurts - "The only reason I sleep with your fat, broke, lazy, stupid, worthless ass is simple. Your writing is a turn on for me. It gives me a sense of adventure that I don't get from normal guys."

The village idiot of Las Vegas kowtows to another of Roxy's requests.

"Jethro, call the China man and have him line out a room for me this weekend. I will be in town Friday around four - tell him I need it until Monday." No hello, no I miss you, no nothing - just get me a room boy...it was Roxy being Roxy.

Jayball says Roxy is selfish and I should put my foot down with her - so I tell her in a sheepish tone - "Jayball says you are using me and I should stop kowtowing to your every request," I then add, "Look, you were rude to me last time we talked and I want you to apologize. That's the only way I will get a room for you - I am waiting."

After my demand the line goes silent for a moment, she then says in a forceful tone - "Jethro, you had better have a room for me Friday. If I get to town and you don't have anything for me - you are going to be in a lot of trouble!" She then states that only people who are wrong apologize - "Is that clear enough for you to understand? Do you need to write it down? Room! Friday through Monday Jethro! Have it ready for me! One last thing dummy - your friend Jayball is the biggest dip shit in Las Vegas," she then hangs the phone up without saying bye.

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls his ex wife after hearing about a double homicide in North Las Vegas.

The peace in North Las Vegas was interrupted last night by a double homicide near Losse & Craig. Whenever I hear such news I immediately think of my ex wife and her road rage and the gun she kept in her glove box:

"Are you in town?" I ask. "No," she says - "Why do you ask? Did someone get shot again?" - Every time I call she acts like nothing is wrong...I'm not fooled! - I go on to inform her about the latest double homicide in North Las Vegas - her response - "Well, you know, shit happens." I demand to know her whereabouts last night, she says - "Topeka, Kansas," I then ask - "Do you have anyone who can serve as an alibi for you?" - she says, "Pepper {toy poodle}, but she can't talk." 

It's all fun and games to her, but I'm not laughing - "Listen," I tell her in a frantic tone, "An eyewitness said the shooter was a middle age lady driving an Explorer with a party color toy poodle setting in the passenger seat. It's not a coincidence anymore," I then take a deep breath and add, "Your description has been implicated in a number of unsolved homicides in North Las Vegas. I promise I won't rat you out. Just tell me it is you and I will leave it alone!"

She laughs after the implication and says - "I told you this already, but now I am going to repeat it very slowly - 'My last day with the State of Kansas is June 3rd. I will not be anywhere near North Las Vegas until then. I can guarantee you one thing, whomever it is playing cowboy in the NLV? Well, it isn't me...not yet any way," she then hangs the phone up without saying bye. 

The village idiot of Las Vegas promises Jayball he will find out more about a gal who works at city hall.

"Just wasn't working out Jethro...you know how shit goes," turns out Jayball and his stripper girlfriend of the last six months decided to split the sheets. Now that he is single again - women of Las Vegas - watch out!

"Jethro, I was down at North Las Vegas city hall the other day and saw the most attractive lady," whenever Jayball is without a gal - which is very minimal - I tend to hear about it nonstop. A few weeks ago I told him about all the women who work at city hall. I figured he was too busy to pay it any mind, once again, I figured wrong - "She had the most beautiful body I have ever seen, her figure was hour glass, her eyes were dark green," he then takes a deep breath and adds, "I told you how much I like girls with green eyes Jethro." - Jayball has certain specifications that he likes to see in women - nowadays he is into the exotic look with mocha skin. But honestly, it is impossible to keep track...he's been with so many.

"Jethro, you are going to find out who that girl is for me - okay?" - Jayball is a living legend in Las Vegas. I can't tell a tell a living legend no, so I ask - "Tell me a little bit more about her," he says, "She was wearing a black skirt and white blouse," he then proclaims,  "It was love at first site - I just want you to find out who she is and tell her that I want to take her out. That's all you have to do Jethro...I will owe you one."

I tell him I am pretty sure he is describing Maggie - she works on one of the upper floors at city hall - I reassure him that I am on the job - I then ask what else he has been doing - "Nothing brother, just getting my crib back to the old bachelor ways," he then hangs the phone up without saying bye.

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets asked about a J. Lo lookalike at North Las Vegas city hall.

Jayball called me the other day and before I could even say hello - he says: "Jethro - I walked into city hall a few weeks ago and the very first thing I see is the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on setting at the receptionist desk - she was absolutely stunning." I knew right away whom he was referring to - "That's Gwendolyn," I tell him. He then says, "I was looking for the place to pay my friends water bill so I walk up to her and ask." - Watch out women of Las Vegas - whenever Jayball sees a women he is attracted to...that's all I hear about.

He then adds - "I have to tell you something Jethro, my eyes nearly popped out my of head - she had the most beautiful brown eyes...and her smile, oh goodness. It was breathtaking...Jethro, you have to find out what her story is. I can't get her off my mind." - Jayball is a living legend in Las Vegas. I have seen him with a countless number of beautiful women, very seldom do I hear him go on about a girl like this...I think she put a spell on him.

I thought he was going to give it a rest for a minute - I thought wrong -"You want to know something else Jethro?" - he then adds, "I mean this sincerely. I thought I was talking to Jennifer Lopez in the flesh. She was so gorgeous!" - He tells me for the fourth time - "You have to find out what her story is for me!" It is hard to say no to a living legend so I agree to find out what I can - I then say - "Jayball, you know how I get tongue tied around beautiful women. I'm not very good at things like this. I don't want to look like a fool. What should I say to her?"

Jayball is never without an answer - "Jethro - this is all you have to tell her, 'A buddy of yours saw her a few weeks ago and he was wondering if she would be interested in meeting up for some sushi and drinks. Ask her if she has a friend to bring along and that way there will be four of us. Come on Jethro - I will owe you one!"

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls his ex wife after another shootout occurs in North Las Vegas.

There was another gunfight in North Las Vegas yesterday - I immediately called my ex wife to inquire about her whereabouts:

"Are you in town?" - every time I hear about gun play in the NLV I always think about my ex and her road rage and the gun she kept in the glove box - "No," she says, "Why do you ask? Did someone get dropped?" - I am positive she knows more than she is saying, so I press for more - "There was a shootout on Bruce & Lake Meade yesterday. No one got dropped, but it made quite a ruckus. That intersection was closed for nearly three hours while the police investigated. I walked by there and Metro said they were looking for a middle age lady who is driving an Explorer. They also said she had a party color toy poodle in the passenger seat. That description has popped up far too many times in the last few years for it to be a coincidence. I just want you to be honest with me - was it you? 

I hear a bit of laughter on the other end, and then she says - "I am still living in Kansas. My last day with the state is June 3rd. You won't see me in Las Vegas until after that. I can tell you with all certainty it's not me who's playing cowboy on the streets of North Las Vegas. They are going to have to find someone else to pin things on." 

After her denial I say - "The description the police are putting out of the gunslinger is too exact. I refuse to chalk it up as coincidence anymore. We both know you are behind all these shootings. Just tell me the truth and I will leave it alone." She laughs after the request and says - "I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing...that's all you are going to get out of me," she then hangs the phone up without saying bye.

The village idiot of Las Vegas wakes a man from his drunken stupor.

The other day I was walking down McDaniel on my way home from the library. After crossing Lake Meade I notice a guy lying on the sidewalk a hundred feet or so from me. I walk up and look directly down at him. My initial thoughts were he was sleeping off a bender, but I wasn't sure, so I say in a mellow tone - "Sir, are you alright?" - he fails to answer - so I say it again, this time in a higher tone - "Sir! Are you alright?" - he fails to answer once again.

After hearing no answer for the second time I decide a more drastic approach is called for. At first I thought of checking his pulse - but I didn't want to touch him - so I kick him in the shoes a couple times. He comes to, looks up and says - "Where the hell am I?" I inform him that he is lying in the middle of a sidewalk on McDaniel and that it would be best for him to get up and be on his way - "You don't want the police showing up," I add.

He struggles to his feet and slurs (in an alcohol soaked breath) - "How long have I been lying here?" I tell him I have no idea, I then add - "Do you need to pass out again? If so, go to the park and do it. No one will care there," he asks, "Where is the park?" - I instruct him to follow me.

Halfway there he becomes woozy and says, - "I have to sit down, I think I am going to be sick," he set on the curb and began dry heaving. At this point I had seen enough of him to last a lifetime. I tell him good luck and continue on my way home.

Today I passed the park on the way to the library and saw the very same guy passed out underneath a shade tree - "At least he made it the park," were my thoughts as I continued on.

The village idiot of Las Vegas witnesses more of Jayball's magic.

"I'm coming to pick you up boy - we're going to see my girl," I had never heard of an establishment named Twin Peaks until Jayball introduced it to me a few weeks ago. Twin Peaks is akin to Hooter's in every facet except the girls wear less or maybe even tighter clothes. Any way, his new weekend girl works there and he wanted to see her.

Thirty minutes later he shows up. I hop in and we start the trek. We're five minutes or so from arriving and his phone began to ring - "What the hell is she calling me for? She's suppose to be working until three - Goddammit," - turns out it was the stripper girlfriend that he's been holed up with for the last six months on the line - and she wasn't happy.

"I'm not seeing other girls, I'm with Jethro. You remember him? He's my dip shit buddy from Kansas," he tells her in a calm tone, "We are going to watch the game and then I will be back. I will talk with you later - Bye." - He slams the phone on his console and says, "Jethro, I might have fucked up this time - Dana (stripper girlfriend) saw a picture from Sylvia (weekend girl) on my phone and came unglued. I told her it was no big deal. It was just some girl I knew and not to worry about it."

We arrive at the establishment and are promptly seated in Sylvia's section. She walks up to the table and says hi to me, she then looks at him and says - "Are we still on for tonight?" - Jayball is the slickest guy I know - without hesitation he puts his hand on her thigh and says, "Sweet thing, I had something come up, so we are going to have to take a rain check tonight, but I promise I will make it up to you soon." - she wasn't happy with his statement

An hour goes by and he says - "Jethro. let's head out before Sylvia gets any angrier," she brings us the check and then says, "I'm going on my break and I want to talk with you." - All three of us walk outside and then she looks at me and says, "In private!" - I walk back and set down on the bench in front of the place. Jayball and Sylvia turn the corner and walk to his car. Fifteen minutes later she walks by me on her way back to work and says, "Your friend is unbelievable." - I get off the bench and walk to the car. He doesn't notice me at first so I knock on the window, it startles him, I ask what happened, he says - "Me and her had to get something straight between us," he starts laughing and then I realize his pun and began laughing as well.

Back in Kansas I had a friend named Legend. His exploits with the opposite sex were just that - Legendary. I often wonder who is slicker Jayball or Legend - Honestly, I don't know, both are exemplary.