The village idiot of Las Vegas checks out Jayball's new car.

"Damn boy, that's the latest model. Let's go for a ride," I hopped in the passenger side and he fired up the baby. It was the smell, oh that new car smell...there's nothing quite like it. The dash was cherry wood, leather seats and the engine purred like a kitty - "Jethro, check this out, the seats have warmers in them. So if your balls get cold you can warm them," he flips the switch and I immediately feel a  tingle. "What did you do with your old ride?" I ask.  Jayball's old ride was a 2012 Escalade - "Jethro, when I saw this bad boy at the dealership, I couldn't get it out of my mind. As much as I loved my Escalade. I had to have the Rover, so I traded her in," he says with a smile

"I have to drop you off. I am meeting a new broad in 30 minutes. Maybe I'll ask if she has a friend - on second thought, if she saw your car, she'd take off running." As he is dropping me off, he can't help but make another smart ass comment - "What year is that piece of shit? That has to be the worst looking car in Las Vegas. You should take that down to the junk yard right now."

I can't let him leave without sticking up for Rosie (my cars nickname, she is a 1994 Kia with plenty of character) -"I've got to tell you something. You've never lived until you drive a car with bullet holes in it," the bullet holes were present before my ownership. Jayball, who always has to have the last word in, says this as he is driving away - "You need the guy who shot the bullet holes in that shit box to come back and throw a stick of dynamite in it for you."

 

The village idiot of Las Vegas sees a sweet bachelor pad.

"Jethro, check this out!" We were standing in his living room, admiring his new big screen - "Jesus Jayball," I say, "When did you get this?" He smiles and says, "Do you remember Jaquelyn?" I nod my head yes, "Her dad is loaded so she bought it for me. I told her not to, but she insisted." Jaquelyn is yet another girl in his stable - "I am going to have to jam her real good for this," he says with a smirk on his face. He then begins to gyrate his hips real fast in an attempt to simulate the motions of intercourse. It was hilarious.

"Take a look at the picture on this bastard," he says as he flips his new toy on. Not only was it a fifty five inch plasma with all the goodies, it was also perched on a new entertainment center. Jayball's crib isn't very big, but he keeps it well equipped. It is the sweetest bachelor pad I have ever seen.

"Jethro, check this out," he hands me a pair of 3-D glasses. "Did you know that you can watch Sports Center in 3-D?" He turns on Sports Center, I could see the effect right away. "Man, I wish I had a place like this," I say enviously. "Who knows?" He says cunningly, "Maybe one of these days you can stop living in a cardboard box and get a place like this. Anyways, it is time for you to beat it. I have a broad coming over shortly and I am going to fix her dinner."

The village idiot of Las Vegas talks about the girlfriend experience (GFE).

"Jethro, don't be thinking about the other night. That was a one time deal. Next time you have to pay the going rate for the girlfriend experience," I never argue with Roxy, she is a professional in every sense of the world. But the one thing I was curious about. How much is the going rate?

"Roxy, I understand no more GFE for me without the going rate, but I do have a question. How much does the girlfriend experience actually cost?" Like I said, she's a pro, "Jethro - for your broke ass, I don't know. But most guys pay upwards of two grand a night for the GFE." I knew from the get go she was out of my price range, but I didn't realize just how much. "Roxy let me ask you one more thing," she was being very candid with me for the first time, so I figured I would push my luck and find out a little more about her - "How often do you do the GFE?"

She didn't like the question about how often she does the GFE, and she told me that in no uncertain terms -  "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable. It's like I just want to pack you up and put you in my pocket. My Jethro from Kansas. Now listen to me sweetie, because I am only going to tell you this one time. It is none of your fucking business about my business...Ok! Don't ask again, just be thankful that I do charity work for you."

The village idiot of Las Vegas spends the night with Roxy...

I was sitting in my suite at the Hard Rock thinking about my friend Roxy. For those of you familiar with my blog? Roxy...aka Foxy Roxy...is my sorta, kinda, seldom girlfriend. I've given a lot of effort to call her my girl. How do I say this? She ain't interested. See, my problem is that I'm dumb enough to believe that she would be my girl if only my luck would change. I honestly feel that my luck is starting to change, so I decided to call her.

"Jethro, how many times do I have to tell you to lose my number?" She always says the same thing to me when she answers the phone. Anyways, I had to tell her that I was staying at a suite in the Hard Rock. "Roxy, guess where I'm at right now?" Turns out, she already knew...She'd been reading the blog. "Look, I was expecting to hear your voice again after I read your last post about staying at the Hard Rock. What tower are you staying in?" Roxy knows the Hard Rock well, so when I told her I was staying in the newest tower. I could tell she was impressed. "Jethro, don't go anywhere, I'm going to come down and see you in an hour or so." 

Two hours go by and still no sign of Roxy. I figured she bailed on me, so I sent her a text just to make sure. After I sent the text, I get a response that says. "In the parking lot, be there in 10." I never know whether to believe a girl like Roxy or not, but since she looks like a centerfold. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. 12 minutes go bye and I hear a knock. I walk over to the door, look through the peephole, and lo and behold it's Roxy. I knew I was in good shape for the night when I opened up the door. She was standing there wearing a tight black shirt and yoga pants, carrying an overnight pack. "Jethro, I just got done with my yoga class. Where is your shower?" No hello, no nothing, but since Roxy is a girl who is used to getting what she wants; I pointed the way to the bathroom.

I sit down in the living room while Roxy heads into the bathroom and starts the shower. She then walks out of the bathroom and sits on the bed. Keep in mind I'm sitting in the other room and can see her every move through a mirror in the hall way. She then takes off all of her clothes, ties her long red hair in a bow, and proceeds to walk back into the bathroom. As she's getting ready to step into the bathroom, she stops and says. "Jethro, I know that you can see me. Are you going to sit there like a fucking idiot? Or are you going to join me in the shower?" Roxy is a professional in every sense of the word, so when she told me that she wanted me to join her in the shower. I was bare ass in a flash.

I like to end every post of mine with a thought I'm having...Call it the village idiot thought of the day. "It was nice spending time with Roxy. She sees it more as a business thing then me, but nevertheless, it was still nice spending time with her again."

The village idiot of Las Vegas checks back into the Hard Rock Hotel.

"People who say money can't buy happiness have never hung out with me on a yacht with hot naked girls and piles of cocaine."

- Adnan Khashoggi

"Mr. Gallegos it's nice to see you again. Do you want the same suite as last time?" Why mess with something when it's not broken? "That would be just fine, Clara," I say with a smile and a wink. At the time I was chatting with a VIP hostess at my favorite place in Las Vegas...The Hard Rock Hotel. Jack Gallegos is my alias. After Clara finishes the check in, she says, "Is there anything else I can do for you Mr. Gallegos?" This girl is nice, very nice. I figured what the hell, I might as well see if she's interested in getting a drink. "Clara, what time do you get off tonight?" I ask confidently, "Maybe the two of us could meet for a drink?" Las Vegas has a myriad of beautiful women and my belief is if I ask enough one will break down and eventually say yes. Unfortunately, my VIP goddess was not that girl. "I have a boyfriend Mr. Gallegos. Maybe some other time." I hadn't been at the place for more than five minutes and somehow managed to strike out. Oh well, Reggie Jackson struck out a lot and he's in the Hall of Fame.

The village idiot of Las Vegas makes a move in Chinatown...

What's the best way to describe the new job I have? Interesting is a good word for it. Let's face it, how many small town white guys from Kansas do you know that work as an ambassador to a Chinatown district? Let me go over my job in a little more detail:

The company I work for, onlinerestaurants.com, has put me in charge of signing up Asian restaurants in Chinatown. The model works as follows; We offer our services which include online ordering and food delivery. If a customer orders their food off of our site, we're entitled to a percentage of their net sales. Currently I'm working with a couple of Asian friends of mine. They're providing the contacts, and I'm in charge of closing and contracts. The last few weeks my Asian friends have been kind enough to introduce me to a number of restaurant owners in Chinatown, and the experience has been delightful. Admitting so, progress was a lot slower then what I would have hoped for, and then today happened.

"I know that you guys can kill this process! They're over 300 places in a 2 mile radius that could use this process! We are the first one's to the party. Let's get em!" My two Asian partners are terrific people, known them since I moved to Las Vegas. They're like Chinese versions of me. I wanted them to know that I was ready to see the levy break! My friend Kam asked me what the numbers were. "Right now guys, we've sold our service to three places in two weeks. We've talked with well over thirty businesses. Something needs to happen real soon." About five minutes after my rant,  Kam gets a call and tells me this after he finished.

"That was Mike, he said his brother wants to sign up. Cheng's said they would sign up as well if you meet them on the rate. One more thing Joey at the House of Joy wants to talk with you as well." I'll always remember this moment for the rest of my life, that's when I knew for certain my beliefs were correct. I took a moment to gather myself, and then all of us looked at each other and smiled. This was before we started the days door to door.

I walk into this Thai place on Spring and Jones, and right in front of my eyes is the most beautiful Asian girl I have ever seen, turns out she was the manager, so I told her how our service works and how we could help them make more money. I was doing my best not to look like a fool, which is hard for me some times. Anyways, she looks at me with what I could have sworn were green eyes, and says. "I like this idea. I want to sign my place up for it. Is this your idea?"  I looked at her with an accelerated heart beat, and said. "Yes Mam, and I've got a good crew to back it up." I was feeling a humongous vibe with her, and you never know if you don't ask. "How about you and I get a drink some time? Maybe eat some sushi as well." Turns out the vibe I was feeling wasn't mutual. "Look Honey, I got a boyfriend. Maybe some other time?" The important thing was that she signed up for the service!

The crew meets for dinner to go over the last two days numbers. "If I'm correct, we now have five new restaurants, and three more on the hook in the last two days." Both of my partners nodded in agreement. "Well done men! Well done!" I knew when I first hooked up with these guys that I was making the right choice. "Salute to Chinatown and all of the restaurants in it." Usually when I throw salutes up I like to have a shot or beer with it. These guys don't drink, so I had hot tea. "Hey Rob, tomorrow I get you another suite at the Hard Rock for a few days." The sound of my partner Kam's voice was music to my ears. I love the Hard Rock!

I like to end every post of mine with a thought I'm having...Call it the village idiot thought of the day. "I was reading an article about entrepreneurial habits, and the writer of the article asked if it was better to be consistent or explosive. I thought about that for a moment and came up with this answer. "You've got to be consistent to find any kind of explosiveness, unless you win the lottery or something like that."

The village idiot of Las Vegas spends a night at The Hard Rock...

"Vegas is a town where you can go from the outhouse to the penthouse, and back...Fairly quick."
--Jayball

I recently got a new position at my job. Two colleagues and myself have been appointed representatives to the Chinatown district of Las Vegas. The other day my partner Kam told me this. "You've been working too hard. I'm going to get you a suite at the Hard Rock. You can stay there for a few days." The Hard Rock Hotel is a fabulous place! Anyways, when he told me that he was going to get me a suite; I gladly accepted.

I walk into the suite, and the first thing I take a look at is the view...Breathtaking. The heart of the Vegas strip is 20/20 in my site, and directly below me is a view of the pool. Now, the pool at Rehab is not your ordinary swimming hole...Back to the story. After the view, I turn my sites to the living room. Big plush sofa and love seat, plasma TV, fully stocked bar, work area. I could tell right away that Rob Astle, Mr. Hotel 6, was way out of his price range. But hey, that's what happens when you know the right people. Well, after I calmed down a little, I made my way into the master bedroom. King size bed, big screen TV, recliner, and another fully stocked bar. I then turn my attention to the master bath. As plush as the things were to that point. It took on another level when I stepped into the the crapper. Jet tub connected to a walk in shower that would hold a small brigade. Shower heads everywhere. I then look over at a marble bathroom sink and counter, stocked with all the supplies. It was awesome!

I take a seat in the leather recliner and call my friend Kam. "Jesus, this place is phenomenal. How come you don't stay here?" Kam's answer to my inquiry was fairly simple. "I can get rooms anytime I like, tell your friends in Kansas that I can get them a room when they come." This was the first time I had taken advantage of his generosity and I was going to enjoy every minute of it. I pour myself a drink, watch a little boob tube, and decide it's time to check out the scenery downstairs. As I'm walking through the Hard Rock, I don't really see much at first glance. So I sit down for a drink, and I notice a gal on the other side of the bar is giving me the eyeball. I figured what the hell, let's see what she is up too? "How are you doing tonight. My name is Jack Gallegos. What's your name darling? I'd love to buy you a drink." Jack Gallegos is my alias when I'm on the prowl. She then looks at me and says. "My name is Zeta, and I would love to have a drink with you." It doesn't take a genius to figure out that my new friend Zeta is in the good time business. Anyways, I give her the up and down and she does the same to me. "I'm gonna cut right to the chase with you Zeta. I'm looking for a girlfriend for an hour or so. Would you be interested?" She looks at me and says. "Honey, you're so sweet, but I have to meet a few of my girlfriends in a little while. Maybe some other time."

It was late, so I decided to head back up to the suite and relax. As I'm sitting there, I hear a loud commotion outside my door. I get up and take a look through my peephole and notice two girls. Both of them are yelling, and banging on the door of the room directly across from mine. I open up my door and directly in front of me are two California girls dressed to the 9's.  Both had been partying all night. "How are you ladies doing?" When I first saw them, they had their backs to me. I think I might have startled them. The first one of them said. "Who are you?" I didn't have a good line at the time, so I told her that I was her neighbor. She then answered me like this. "No you're not!" I could tell right away this girl was not interested, so I set my sites on her friend. Her friend was a different story. She was giving me the beer goggle look. I told her this. "Do you want to come in for a little night cap? I got a bunch of booze in here to drink and know one to drink it with." She smiles at me, and for a minute I thought it was going to happen. To my dismay, here friend chimed in. "Honey you're not going anywhere with that guy. Why don't you get lost." I didn't think I was being creepy. They were the ones making all the noise. I wished them a good night and went back to watching Sports Center.

I like to end every post of mine with a thought I'm having...Call it the village idiot thought of the day. "If you're a single, heterosexual, corn fed, red blooded, and whatever else you want to call yourself kind of guy? Las Vegas is the town for you!"