the fast food eating bandits...the final chapter.

"You'll have to find another person to talk fast food with. At least until we come back in September," are his words at the pool today.

My best friend nowadays is an eighty six year old fast food loving man with a tan to boot. Today at the pool he notifies me of his imminent departure:

"Goddamn, I'm going to miss you Lenny. It won't be the same without you around. Safe travels & we'll see you when you get back in September."

"Thanks buddy," is his reply.

"I got just one request before you leave best buddy."

"What's that Rob?"

"Lenny, when you're downing a double cheeseburger from whatever place in Seattle you go to. Do one thing for me."

"Name it best buddy."

"I want you to look up at the moon & think about me. I'll do the same for you."

"You got it amigo," are the parting words as I watch his eighty six year old fast food loving ass walk out of my life until September:

the fast food eating bandits...Part 4

My best friend nowadays is an eighty six year old man with a tan to boot. Today at the pool we resumed a previous discussion as pertains to our shared lust of fatty foods:

"What did you have for breakfast today Rob?"

"Burger King, they're running a croissant with egg, cheese & sausage special."

"How much is it?"

"Two for four dollars. The whole breakfast cost me a little over five dollars. It's because I added a value size Dr. Pepper to wash it all down."

"How did it taste?"

"Delicious best buddy. It hit the spot."

The conversation shifts to potato chips:

"The wife & I were shopping at Albertson's the other day & she noticed a new kind of chip in one of the displays by the meat department. Apparently, Frito Lay puts out new flavors every so often?"

"Yep," is my immediate reply, "I eat them by the truckload."

"Any way, there was a family size bag labeled Crispy Taco. I couldn't resist so we bought a couple bags. It is delicious. I devoured an entire bag while watching golf the other day. It was impossible to put them down."

"Was it salty as hell Lenny?"

"It was good buddy," adding, "That's why I drank a two liter of Sprite to go with it."

"The fast food eating bandits Lenny. That is you & me," adding with a hearty laugh, "If they're two guys out there who deserve the moniker more than us; I've yet to meet them."

"Yep," is his simple reply.

The conversation shifts to non romance:

"Lenny, Jesus Christ, you should have seen all the foxes at the pool over the weekend. I couldn't believe my eyes."

"Who were they?"

"It was the usual crowd; plus their daughters. A welcome sight indeed."

"Did you ask any of them out?"

"A couple of the daughters. They all said no."

"For Christ sake's," adding with all seriousness, "Please tell me you weren't out there boasting about your fast food addiction again. That kind of talk is for guys only! Women are not impressed by it. Do you remember what happened when you started bragging about it to the last lady you were interested in? She lost interest quick. Try not to make the same mistake twice."

"Left it out of the conversation Lenny," in a reassuring tone "Fast food talk is for guys only."

"Good," he says while shaking his head, "What were their reasons for turning you down?"

"One had to do her nails; the other had a hair appointment; the last one had a boyfriend. It's the same shit all the time."

The conversation shifts to our passion for a Wendy's double bacon cheeseburger. It reminds me of a joke:

"Let me tell you about the best girlfriend I've ever had Lenny."

"Sure, let's hear it."

"Her name is Wendy. Do you know what makes her so great?"

"What?"

"She really knew how to take care of a man."

"What do you mean?"

"She smelt great; tasted delicious & the best part is if you didn't feel like spending any quality time with her you could always take the drive thru for a quickie."

 

the fast food eating bandits...Part 3

The morning shift at the pool begins at eight thirty. The first person encountered is my eighty six year old best friend Lenny. The two of us discuss our passion for fatty foods yet again:

"Do you want to know what the wife & I ate yesterday Rob?"

"What?"

"We had the chicken alfredo with pasta from Olive Garden. It was sensational."

"Do they still give all the bread sticks you can eat?"

"You better believe it." is his quick reply, "They throw in all the salad you want with the deal as well."

"Did you get tiramisu for dessert?"

"It's a given; it goes without saying." adding with a wide smile, "I like the stuff so much I had'm box up a couple slices to go."

"Tiramisu is one of my great loves in life Lenny," with all seriousness, "Sometimes I wish I could marry it. There's a place in Las Vegas that fixed a fresh pan every day. I'd go there a couple times a week for a square."

We chat about red velvet cake with butterscotch frosting for a minute; then I ask:

"Do you like barbecue ribs?"

"Of course," is his immediate response, "Tomorrow the wife & I are headed to Texas Roadhouse for a couple slabs."

"Do they still give you butter rolls as an appetizer?"

"As many as you want good buddy," adding, "I'll slather on the warm honey butter they bring with it. It's a new basket every five minutes when I'm there."

"Warm rolls with honey butter Lenny...yummy, yummy, yummy. It's all sorts of scrumptious," steaming rolls slathered in honey butter dancing through my head, "I'll eat a couple baskets of rolls when I'm there as well good buddy. Did you get onion rings with ranch as an additional appetizer? That's my favorite."

"It's the loaded fries with me. I'll save the onion rings for when I hit up Sonic; or some place like that."

We chat about the different flavors of Pop Tart's for a few minutes. I then ask:

"What is your favorite kind of donut?"

"That's a tough one," pausing to scratch his chin, "See, I like them all. If I had to pick one; it would probably be the maple bar with pecans; a chocolate glaze is wonderful as well. There's too many to pick from is the problem."

"I'd have to go with any kind of cake donuts buddy. Do you want to know what else is really tasty?"

"What Rob?"

"Cronuts, I've been eating those for breakfast lately. It gives me a feeling of happiness that's indescribable. It's a hell of way to start the day."

"Cronuts," he proclaims, "Can't say I've actually had one. It sure sounds like it would taste good."

"Heaven on Earth is all I can say; heaven on earth Lenny."

The conversation shifts to a non romance:

"You should have seen this gal I met at the pool the other day Lenny. She is very nice."

"Is she a resident?"

"Visiting her family for a few weeks."

"What is so great about her?"

"She's just nice Lenny. It is always pleasant to meet someone nice."

"For Christ sake's, don't tell her about your fast food addiction. Look what happened when you boasted about it to the last girl you were interested in."

"I'll be sure to keep it to myself if I ever see her again."

"Any chance you could be looking at a new girlfriend with this one," asking with a wink, nod & smile.

"Zippo Lenny; no chance whatsoever."

 

the fast food eating bandits...Part 2

People are skeptical when I tell them my best friend nowadays is an eighty six year old man with a passion for fast food & a tan to boot. Today at the pool we discussed our shared love of fatty foods once again:

"Have you tried the Detroit style pizza from Pizza Hut," is his question as both of us float in the deep end.

"I have not Lenny. I've seen the commercials. It looks tasty; that much is for sure."

"You better believe it's tasty," proclaiming, "It's like eating two pizza's at once."

"What do you mean?"

"They put double the shit you get on a regular pizza & the crust is thick & crispy with a cheese coating. It's delicious."

"I'm going to give it a try buddy," a picture of gooey goodness dancing through my head, "Did you get bread sticks with it as well?"

"Of course," stating firmly, "You also get a two liter of Pepsi in the deal to wash it all down."

We chat about our favorite donuts for a minute & then I ask:

"Do you like Papa John's?"

"You betcha," is his rapid reply, "The wife & I had it delivered last week."

"Did you dip the pizza in the garlic butter sauce before you ate it?"

"You better believe it," stating with enthusiasm, "As a matter of fact, I had them give me an extra container because one is never enough."

"What about ranch? Did you slather ranch over it as well?"

"Every time," he proclaims, "Ranch on top of the garlic butter sauce. That's pure heaven."

"Yum, yum, yum Lenny. What about the dessert brownies? Did you get those as well?"

"No, I had a bowl of chocolate ice cream after the pizza. Usually I'll get them; we wanted to finish off the tub of ice cream in the freezer instead."

The conversation shifts to our favorite candy bars:

"King size Snicker's does it for me every time," is his response.

"Me too Lenny. Don't forget the Dr. Pepper to wash it down."

"I'll usually have a Sprite," he adds, "My second choice is the king size Reese's cups. I like to eat them frozen. It brings more of the peanut butter taste out is what I've found. What's your second choice Rob?"

"Hmm," as I scratch my chin, "I would have to say a Payday bar. They're delicious."

The conversation shifts to non romance:

"I haven't seen Kendra around. Did she go back home?"

"She did buddy. Do you want to hear a funny story about her?"

"Let's hear it."

"I told her I could eat a pound & a half of hamburger in one sitting. It's something I'm proud of. She didn't find it impressive one bit."

"Geez Rob," while shaking his head, "That's not something you brag to women about. She'll think you're a pig if you tell her things like that."

"I know that now buddy. She made a snide remark about the achievement."

"What did she say?"

"She said it was a hearty meal; not in a complimentary way."

"When is she coming back?"

"In a month is what she told me."

"Next time she comes to town take her to a fancy restaurant. Give Jack-N-Box a rest. Show her how classy of a guy you really are."

"I already tried buddy. She's not interested. I'm starting to think I turned her off. It's not the first time it's happened."

"You got to realize something about things Rob?"

"What's that Lenny?"

"Most women will not be attracted to a guy who frequents every fast food joint in town & then boasts about it. You got to keep that kind of stuff on the down low; you'll never get a date again if you don't."

chatter from the deep end...

The other day I was floating in the deep end of the pool at LaSolana when out of no where he appears:

"Where have you been Big C?"

"Hanging out good buddy," is his immediate answer, "What have you been doing?"

"Trying to figure out a location to film. Are you still in?"

Big C is slated as a feature character in a proposed reality show based on the comings & goings of the patrons at the LaSolana pool.

"I'm in buddy," is his steadfast answer, "You let me know when & where."

We chat about the Royal's for a few minutes & he adds:

"I heard through the LaSolana grapevine there was romance in the air for the village idiot & a certain gal visiting her mother. Is there any truth to the rumor?"

"Nope," is my somber answer, "It just wasn't meant to be."

"What happened?"

"I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend & she denied the request."

"That's it?"

"Yep," is the only answer I can muster.

"It happens buddy. There'll be another one coming down the pike soon. You just wait & see," is his conciliatory response to my failure. 

We spend a few more minutes chatting about all the great Royal's teams from the eighties. I'm reminded of a joke:

"Heah Big C! Do you know what they call a Royal jock strap?"

"What?"

"Dick Howser," both of us laughing in unison at the punch line.

"Dick Howser," he repeats with a continued laugh, "That's a good one."

Howser was the manager of the Royal's for a successful run in the eighties.

"You got a script ready for when it's showtime?"

He's enthusiastic about the concept. It's much appreciated.

"Sort of good buddy. The script will be a mesh with the blog."

"I'm ready; say the word," he states with more enthusiasm, "Just make sure you get my good side when the camera starts rolling."

Big C leaves & Miss Kitty enters the deep end:

"Did you ever end up taking Kendra to lunch?"

"No," she is the fourth person to inquire about the non romance, "It didn't work out."

"That stinks," is her sympathetic reply, "She is a nice girl. You two would have made a good couple."

Enough of me striking out. It is time to talk business:

"Miss Kitty, we are on the search for a location to film. I have you slated as a feature player. Are you still ready to roll?"

"I am, although, I'm planning on making a trip back to Chicago around the eighth of May. Will you be ready by then?"

"I'm going to try like hell. It's one of those things that happens when it happens. I'm bound and determined to see it through. Once a good location is found; I'll set a date with the production team. It's getting closer. You'll be the first person notified when it gets the green light."

We chat a little more about the weather & she adds:

"Kendra sent a text saying how much fun she had. She also said she was coming back in a month. A lot can happen in a month Rob," her optimism is sweet.

"She is a friend & that's all. It's okay Miss Kitty. I've already got my eye on a new gal."

the fast food eating bandits...

I've got a nickname for Lennie & me. Call us the fast food eating bandits:

"I'm going to head over to McDonald's & grab some breakfast. They've got the sausage, egg & cheese on sale."

"How much?"

"Two for four dollars. I'll eat four of them."

Lennie, my best friend nowadays, is an eighty six year old man with a tan to boot. Today at the pool we discussed our shared passion for fast food.

"I had Culver's for lunch yesterday, the breaded cod sandwich with cheese curds as a side is one of my favorites. Have you ever tried Culver's Rob?"

"I have good buddy. I had a buttered double cheeseburger with a chocolate shake from there the other day. Next time I'm having the cod sandwich with cheese curds."

"You know what else is good?"

"What Lennie?"

"The fried chicken at Albertson's. I'm thinking about heading over there & grabbing some lunch for the family."

"What will your sides be?"

"The wife & daughter enjoy the mac & cheese. I'll get some baked beans & broccoli salad for myself."

"That sounds good Lennie. Do you want to know what I had the other day from their deli?"

"What?"

"Olive loaf, they cut a pound of thin slices for me & I devoured it all in one sitting. That stuff is salty as hell."

"Olive loaf," repeating with a smile, "We use to serve it as a lunch special at the bar. People ate it up. Boy that stuff is bad for you."

"We got to stop talking about food," adding in all honesty, "It's starting to make me hungry."

"So are you going to McDonald's when you get out of the pool?"

"I am," is my rapid response, "Do you want me to get something for you while I'm there?"

"No thanks," is his reply, "I still have a breakfast burrito from Jack-N-Box in the refrigerator."

"I love Jack-N- Box Lennie. What kind of burrito did you get?"

"The loaded breakfast with extra sausage," he knows his breakfast burritos well.

"Awesome Lennie! That's my favorite. I'd eat the loaded with extra sausage all the time when I lived in Las Vegas. The kid who worked there would see me walk in & say, 'Do you want the usual village idiot?' He was a fan of the blog." 

Images of a loaded breakfast burrito with extra sausage from Jack-N-Box goes dancing through my head:

"Dangummit Lennie, now you got me thinking about putting McDonald's off until tomorrow. Where's the nearest Jack-N-Box?"

"On Belle, right next to the tire store," is his rapid reply.

 

the afternoon shift...

Afternoon shift starts at one o'clock; looking at the clock & it's two til; can't be late so I put Jeopardy on pause & head directly to the pool. Dottie is the first person I encounter there.

"What's the deal with you & Kendra? Is romance in the air for the village idiot?"

"I don't know Dottie. It's yet to be determined."

Kendra is an attractive lady from the mid west & has been visiting her mother at LaSolana for the last month. We've become friends.

"When does she leave?"

"Originally Friday, she changed it so she could stay a week longer."

"That's nice," she adds with a smile, "She's a pretty girl. I can see why you like her."

"She sure is Dottie. She's smart, funny, caring, hard working & well mannered."

"Have you asked her out yet," chimes Dottie's husband Oscar.

"I've hinted at it a couple times good buddy. I'm not sure if she's interested or not."

"Cowboy up," he proclaims, "You never know if you don't be bold about it."

Update: Worked up the courage & asked if she would like to eat lunch at Anita's before her departure. The answer is yes:)

A reality show concept has been presented to the board for permission to film. They're taking it up at the meeting Thursday. I'll have an answer by Friday. If all goes well filming will be scheduled ten to fourteen days after approval; thus landing in or around the fifth of May.