bounce a quarter...

Five o'clock rolls around & it's time for another session with my favorite pansexual Zoom shrink:

"Do you want to know what Legend said about women?"

"Is this the guy you were talking about the other day?"

"Yes Ma'am, that's him."

"What did he say?"

"He said women were good at two things...changing a flat tire is not one of them."

"You're friend Legend sounds like a chauvinist."

"Lacey," laughing at her remark, "Last time I saw him he looked more like the guy who ate Legend."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about a friend," with a mean girl glare through the monitor.

"It's true though," adding, "Let me tell you how he got the nickname in the first place."

"Is it vulgar? I don't want to hear it if it's vulgar."

"The origin is clean. You'll enjoy this one."

"Okay," looking at her watch, "Make it snappy."

"He caught a hail Mary touchdown pass with no time on the clock in the state title game. The snag gave the Bulldogs a two point victory & a state title in football...it's first."

"Oh really," is her reply in a curious tone.

"He out jumped two defenders in the back of the end zone. Afterwards, everyone referred to him as Legend."

"It's a catchy nickname. What's his real name?"

"Roy Cumpton," is my immediate reply.

"What's he do nowadays?"

"He just got through with his third marriage. He's in cattle, agriculture & construction."

"Is he a farmer?"

"More of a hobby farmer."

"What's a hobby farmer?"

"It's what you call a guy who makes his money elsewhere & then decides to buy a couple of acres & grow crops. It's a common phrase in the mid west."

We chat about mandates & then she asks about a women I wish to have sex with:

"There's a new one."

"What happened to the lady at the gym?"

"Haven't seen the one you're talking about in a while...I'm over her. There's another one at the gym I'd like to see naked though."

"Don't start with the raunchiness Mr. Astle," rolling her eyes in disgust.

"Sorry Lacey," with all honesty, "I can't help it."

Mistaking Lacey for one of the guys is something I must improve upon:

"What's so great about this one?"

"Whenever I see a women killing it on the squat rack I get turned on. Her rear end resembles two canned hams. You could bounce a quarter off this ladies ass for sure."

"Why don't you tell her that & see what she says."

"Tell her what Lacey?"

"Tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass."

"I'm complimenting her when I say that."

"Okay, if it's such a compliment than tell her...I'm being serious, just tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass & see what she says."

"In all honesty I'd like to bounce something else off her ass instead."

"Vulgarity is going to be your undoing Mr. Astle."

"Okay, Jesus Lacey, it's just a joke. Lighten up for Christ Sake's."

"Again, everything is a joke with you. I think I'll tell the court we have a comedian on our hands. See how funny they think you are."

 

I'm offended...

Four o'clock rolls around & it's time for another Zoom session with my favorite twenty seven year old pansexual shrink:

"How was your weekend Mr. Astle?" She got some sun over the weekend judging by the redness of her face.

"It was terrible Lacey. I threatened to kill a couple of motherfuckers!"

"What?"

"Relax," with a laugh, "I'm joking."

"You think everything is funny. That's something I'm putting in your file. It's odd you find your situation humorous."

"Goddammit, please stop calling me Mr. Astle. I've told you a hundred times to call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

It's either laughter or wanting to kill someone. I tell her such:

"Mr. Astle," using my surname once again, "Where do you see yourself in six months? a year? two years?"

"Two years max I'll be dead Lacey."

"Why do you think you'll be dead in two years?"

"My mother croaked at fifty two. I'm fifty one. Everyone tells me I have her genes. Do you want to hear something interesting?"

"Let's hear it."

"I recently made arrangements on how to dispose of my remains."

"What are you talking about?"

"Once I kick over I'm going to get cremated."

"I see now," is her quick reply, "Where are you going to have your ashes spread?"

"The Chinatown district of Las Vegas. My buddy James has a map of exactly where to spread them."

"Chinatown meant a lot to you Mr. Astle. It's obvious when you tell me it's where your ashes are going to be spread."

"It sure did Lacey," adding with angst, "It's going to be the last thing on my mind before I go."

We talk about some mandates & then she inquires about a women at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"Did you see her over the weekend?"

"I did, she was doing Bulgarian split squats."

"What are those?"

"It's using one leg to squat while your other leg is balanced on a platform. It's similar to doing a lunge."

"Sounds like hard work."

"It is Lacey; extremely hard; she had some weight in her hand as well. You could bounce a quarter off her backside."

"You are starting to act vulgar again Mr. Astle. Do you remember what we talked about in our last session?"

"Sorry Lacey," while rolling my eyes, "It's the truth though."

"Keep those thoughts to yourself when we are in session."

It use to be you would compliment a women on her figure & they would smile & thank you. It ratified their efforts in the gym. There was also a time when you could whistle at women & they would smile & wave back as you drove by. Not anymore. I learned that lesson around 2015 or so:

"Do you want to hear a funny story Lacey? It'll be an example of what is acceptable nowadays & what use to work back in my day."

"Is it vulgar? Because if it is I don't want to hear it."

"It's clean. You'll like it."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"I was driving around Garden of the Gods."

"Garden of the what?"

"Garden of the Gods. It's a famous rock formation in Colorado Springs. A popular place with tourists & locals alike. You should go there one of these days with your fiancee."

"Maybe I will. Go on with the story."

"Driving by one of the entrances to a hiking trail & I notice two attractive women leaving. Instinctively, I whistled & waved. They shot a dirty look at me & one of them raised their middle finger. It left me flabbergasted."

"Why would you be flabbergasted when you are harassing them?"

"In my younger days it wasn't uncommon for me; or my buddies; to whistle, wave & smile at attractive women as we drove by. Back then, believe it or not, most would smile & wave back to you. Everyone viewed it as harmless. Not so much nowadays. Why is that Lacey?"

"It's offending to women when you objectify them. That's what your actions did."

"It was meant to be a compliment for Christ Sake's. Them not waving back is not what bothered me. It's when one of them shot the middle finger in my direction," stopping to gather my thoughts, "It offended me. See, a guy like me can be offended as well."

"Why would you be offended when you are the perpetrator?"

"Perpetrator, Jesus, all I did was whistle & wave. You make it sound like I got out of the car & started chasing them. It's bullshit how everyone is offended nowadays. It wasn't a slight. It is meant to be a compliment!"

"Now you know better Mr. Astle," in a sarcastic tone, "Remember, the nineties are over."

"Yeah, I'll remember it Lacey. What a fucking joke."

"There you go again," evermore sarcasm in her voice, "Everything is a joke to you."

"Like I said earlier Lacey. It's either a joke or wanting to kill someone."

a direct approach...

"Mr. Astle, I have another exercise for you."

I tell you...pansexual Zoom shrinks & their psycho babble:

"Tell me in three sentences what your prevailing attitude in life is right now. Keep it brief." 

"Hmm," as I scratch my chin & stare back at the monitor, "Do you want to know what my attitude is at this very moment? Is that what you're asking Lacey?"

"That's exactly what I'm asking Mr. Astle."

"Three sentences," murmuring as I gather my thoughts, "I don't give a shit if the world burns down. As a matter of fact I'm anticipating it. The only thing I will do when it happens is try to light a cigarette from the ashes."

"Mr. Astle, your answer is disturbing. Are you a disturbed person?"

"Lacey, for the hundredth time...please call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

"Mr. Astle," repeating firmly, "Are you a disturbed?"

"If you don't like the answer. Why ask the question?"

"Let us not forget how are relationship was forged. Would you like me to relay your answer to the judge?"

"No," is my answer in a cowardly tone.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question. This time pretend it's the judge asking. Do you understand?"

"I do," in a more cowardly tone than before.

"Again, in three sentences, describe to me your attitude at this very moment."

"Everything is rosy & perfect. It's boundless opportunities for a guy like me. It's like watching my favorite musical."

"See, that wasn't so hard. I'll relay your sentiments to the court."

The last few sessions have been terse. I offer to lighten the mood with a joke:

"I don't want to hear anymore of your raunchy jokes. Quite frankly, I find your humor offensive."

"It's going to be a clean joke."

"Okay, it better be! Let's hear it."

"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?"

"I don't know."

"In case he got a hole in one."

"That's a good one. much better than the filth you've been sharing in our previous sessions."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then she asks about a lady at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"It's hard for me to describe it without being graphic. When you have sexual thoughts about someone there always graphic. I don't want to offend you."

"Leave out the part about how you want to fuck her silly. Those were your words last time we talked," adding, "Remember Mr. Astle, women are more than just pieces of meat."

"Look," pausing to gather my thoughts, "It's just a lady I want to have sex with. We're not going to take long walks in the park; or dance in the rain. I just want to have sex with her. You know, get it out of my system."

"There you go again with the locker room talk. You'll never have a chance with an attitude like that."

Her statement reminds me of a tryst years ago involving a lonely lady & a lonely guy at a hotel bar in downtown Albuquerque. He offered to buy her a drink & she accepted. As the night progressed the drinks flowed & inhibitions dissipated.

"Look, I'm probably never going to see you again after tonight. Why don't we go back to my room & fuck like a couple of wild rabbits?"

The lonely guy is intoxicated & figures directness is his best chance.

"I like that idea," is the response from the lonely lady.

They spend the remainder of the night engaged in every sexual position one could imagine. It is a magical night for both. The lonely lady has a flight to catch in the morning & tells the lonely guy: 

"Thank you for the company. I needed it!" 

The lonely guy reciprocates the sentiment.

I share the story with Lacey & her remark is:

"That's your strategy. You are just going to walk up to her and ask her if she wants to fuck."

"Look, Lacey," realizing she doesn't get it, "The moral of the story is why beat around the bush when most of the time they have the same thing in mind that you do. It's a direct approach."

"It sounds idiotic," is her immediate reply.

"I didn't say it was always effective. It's direct...I'll tell you something right now the approach works a lot more than people give it credit for."

Have you ever seen a bull stampede?

A twenty minute session with my Zoom shrink Lacey occurs earlier in the day:

"Lot's of progress has been made since our first session Rob. Do you feel the same way?"

"I do Lacey. We've been good for each other."

"Okay, let's not regress. Tell me this for sure. Are thoughts of murdering a motherfucker; as you so eloquently state. Are those thoughts still with you?"

"How am I suppose to answer Lacey? Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear...?"

"Remember Rob," interrupting before I can finish, "You tell me & I tell the judge. I'm going to ask you once again. Do you still have thoughts of murdering a motherfucker?"

In a just world the angst of my aggression would get run over by a bus; or electrocuted to death; or maybe the roof would collapse on them; turnabout is fair play in my eyes!

"When does the judge have to know for sure Lacey?"

"Soon," is her immediate reply.

"Okay, I'll have an answer for you soon. I need to think about things for a while longer."

"What's there to think about Rob? You either want to murder a motherfucker; or not."

"Like I said, I'll get back to you soon Lacey. Let's talk about something else."

We chat about a few mandates & then she asks:

"Who is the lady you talked about in our last session? The one you want to have sex with."

"I can't say because it's something that will get me in trouble."

"I'm your therapist Rob. You are suppose to confine things like that to me. I already know who it is. May I have one guess?"

"Sure," is my immediate reply.

"It's your crush. Come on Rob! That's an easy one to guess."

"That's a good guess Lacey; but I already gave up on her. It's a new lady I met at the gym."

"What's her name Rob?"

"Lucinda, she really knows how to get a guy worked up. That's for sure."

"Tell me more about this goddess."

"Whenever I see her at the club she is going full tilt. Her body looks like it's carved of granite. Her smile is the thing that gets me most. It lights up the room like the Fourth of July. I can't get my mind off of her."

"Sounds like a hot mama for sure Rob. Don't sell yourself short. Anything can happen. Maybe she'll feel like slumming & you'll be the guy," a plausible scenario according to my shrink.

"Sounds good to me Lacey. If she wants to hang around a poor guy than I'm her man. I guarantee, given the opportunity, I'll fuck her silly. She'll think she's bedded fifty guys in a row after I'm done with her. Have you ever seen a bull stampede Lacey?"

"No, can't say I have."

"Believe me sweetheart. You'll know it when you feel it."

"Do you know what couth means Rob?"

"What kind of question is that Lacey? Of course I know what it means."

"Why don't you try using it than. Every time you make vulgar statements about women you wish to sleep with it shines badly on you."

"Jesus Lacey, I thought a therapist is who you were suppose to share your thoughts with. I don't get it."

"I'm your therapist. Don't talk to me like you're describing a Penthouse fantasy. Do you understand?"

I still don't get it; she's the one who asked about it to begin with. I remind her of such:

"Look, when I ask you about a potential mate leave all the raunchiness out of the description. I'm not some drunken bloke leaning against a bar stool listening to garbage talk. If you continue to talk like that you'll have no chance with her."

Remembering my therapist is a twenty seven year old pansexual female & apologizing:

"I'm sorry about the vulgar talk Lacey. This lady turns my crank & I'd like to see what she looks like naked..."

"Mr. Astle," interrupting before I can finish my thought, "Our time is up. How does Friday at three for our next session look?"

"Looks good to me Lacey...can't hardly wait."

friends with no benefits...

Today's Zoom session with my therapist focuses on sex:

"Do you find me attractive Lacey?"

"In what way Rob?"

"The have sex with me kind of way."

"Those sort of feelings are not allowed in a client/patient relationship. You know that."

"Okay Lacey, let's pretend you're not my therapist for a minute. Say we just met & have no previous connections. Would the thought of having sex with me be something you'd entertain?"

"That is an inappropriate question Rob. Answering it is something I refuse to do."

"Does that mean yes?"

"No, it means I'm not going to answer the question. Why do you ask to begin with?"

"There's a certain lady I've been wanting to bed for a while. I have hinted at it several times to no avail; I'm wondering if women still find me attractive. I know I'm poor; but I'm not asking to get married...just a roll in the sack is all. She has zero interest in the notion."

"There's other fish in the sea. Why this lady if she's not interested?"

"You know how you get a thought in your head & you can't get it out? That's me with this broad. My life will be incomplete if I don't get to sleep with her."

"If she's not interested than there's not much you can do about it Rob. They'll be another one for you soon."

We talk about some mandates & then I ask if she wants to hear a joke:

"Sure, try to keep it clean please."

"Lacey, when you think about all the sexual orientations nowadays it confuses most of us. You've got pansexual, omnisexual, transexual, demisexual & so on. I recently discovered yet another orientation. Have you ever heard of Chiefsexual?"

"Chiefsexual Rob, no, I can't say I have. What is it?"

"It's the constant fantasy of being in a never ending three way with Andy Reid & Patrick Mahomes."

"Who are they?"

"The head coach of Kansas City & their starting quarterback."

Lacey & I have nothing in common accept a mandate: 

"Are you telling me you have homosexual feelings toward them?"

"No, Jesus Lacey, it's a joke. Chiefsexual...you know, the Kansas City Chiefs. My favorite team."

"Again, Mr. Astle, I don't find your humor funny. Get some less offensive material."

"If you were a Chief's fan you'd get a laugh out of it."

"Well, I'm not," is her stern answer, "Is that what you want me to put in your file? Tell the judge you are Chiefsexual."

"No," is my answer in a sheepish tone.

"Okay," her voice calming, "We have a few more minutes left in our session. Tell me more about the lady you wish to have sex with."

"She's a real women. There's a sexual energy between us that is undeniable. Sealing our friendship with a romantic tryst is the next obvious step."

"You're looking for a friends with benefits kind of relationship," the therapist says with a coy smile.

"We're already friends so we can skip that part & go right to the benefits," adding, "It would be so much fun; our naked bodies entwined in passionate sex...feasting on chocolate; strawberries & champagne after the rendezvous...a definite September to remember."

random talk from therapy...

Six o'clock rolls around & it's Zoom time again with my favorite pansexual therapist. The session begins with love & marriage talk:

"When was the last time you were really in love Rob?"

When Lacey was first assigned to me I was skeptical. Nowadays, I eagerly anticipate our sessions.

"A couple of years ago a girl from Las Vegas stole my heart. I wanted more than anything to be with her. Turns out, I wasn't good enough."

"Why weren't you good enough for her Rob?"

"She's use to the finer things in life. There's no way a schmuck like me could ever provide it; in the end she wanted way more than I'll ever have."

"Life isn't all money & fancy things Rob. My fiancee & I love each other for who we are. The money part isn't a big deal to us."

Her statement reminds me of something Roy (Legend) said to me after his second marriage. I decide to share it with her:

"Do you want to know what my friend Legend said about marriage?"

"Your friend who?"

"Legend, he's a guy I grew up with."

"Why do they call him Legend?"

"His feats back in the day are the stuff of legend."

"What did he do that made him Legend?"

"Look, I'll tell you about that in another session. The point is he said something to me a long time ago that I agree with wholeheartedly."

"What did he say Rob?"

"He said the first time you get married is for love; anytime thereafter is for money. Those are his exact words."

She scoffs at the suggestion:

"Your friend Legend sounds like a tool."

"He is Lacey," with a hearty laugh.

"Why would you listen to him?"

"He puts it how it is & people respect him for it."

"I don't agree with his assessment at all," her tone forceful, "I'm the product of my mothers third marriage. My mother & father have been married for over thirty years & love each other dearly. Neither one of them ever had much money. So you tell your friend Legend he has no idea what he is talking about."

"Okay, okay, Jesus Lacey, don't shoot the messenger. He's the one who said it, not me."

"I'm not mad at you Rob. You just tell this guy he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about."

"Okay sweetheart, next time I talk with the dip shit I'll tell him.

We chat about some mandated stuff & then I ask if she wants to hear a joke:

"As long as it is a clean one."

It isn't...she's a big girl though.

"My uncle Joe is bisexual."

"Did you say you're uncle Joe is bisexual?"

"That's exactly what I said Lacey. Any time he wants sex he has to buy it," laughing at the punch line, "Isn't that funny. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book."

"I don't get it. He is or is not bisexual," is her question with a blank look.

"It's a joke for Christ sake's. He has to buy it from a hooker. He spends his money for sex is what I'm trying to say."

One of my favorite jokes of all time doesn't even solicit a smirk:

"You should consider updating your material. It's not very funny in my opinion. Your humor is offensive to my generation."

"Okay, okay, shit, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just a joke. Why don't you tell me one of your jokes & let me be the judge of how humorous it is. Maybe I won't think it's funny & decide to make a big stink out of things."

"You want to hear a really good joke Rob?"

"Tell me one Lacey. Come on! Make me laugh."

"Okay, I got one for you Rob...I heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was pansexual. He just doesn't see gender."

The corniness of it brings a smile to my face. It also reminds me of another Stevie Wonder joke:

"Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders' wife Lacey?"

"No," is her immediate reply.

"Neither has he," is the punch line.

"Neither has he," she says with a smile "That's a good one Rob. It's far more appropriate than your bisexual uncle Joe stuff."

Lacey finds it intriguing my BFF is the eighty seven year old mother of my crush:

"We have a few more minutes left in our session Rob. Tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"Kendra has been gone for a couple days & I already miss the heck out of her. I saw mama today & she told me everything ended up good on her tests."

"What test did mama have Rob?"

"It wasn't mama who had the tests. It's Kendra. She had a medical procedure a while back & it took time for the results to come back. She talked a bit about it when visiting LasSolana. It had everyone nervous. Mama said everything is okay with her & not to worry."

'You really enjoy the two of them. I can tell by the way you light up when describing them. It's sweet how you refer to them as angels."

"That's what they are Lacey. I can't think of a better way to describe it."

"Our time has come to an end Rob. How does Wednesday at seven sound for our next session?"

"I'll be there with bells on Lacey," is my eager reply.

murder fantasies with my pansexual therapist...

"It's just fantasy Lacey. I'm not really going to murder a motherfucker. It's all in my head."

"Look, Mr. Astle, every time you discuss your fantasy it's cute for a minute. You actually make murder sound humorous with your satire. Then I see the rage in your face & it concerns me. I don't want to hear anymore about how you fantasize killing some motherfuckers; as you so eloquently put it. Let's talk about something else."

My twenty seven year old, lesbian, Zoom shrink Lacey is growing wearisome of murderous fantasies:

"May I ask you a question Lacey? It's something I've been wondering about ever since you told me you were marrying another women."

"You may ask one question Mr. Astle," is her steadfast reply.

"Have you ever been with a man? Please call me Rob as well. I already told you calling me Mr. Astle makes me feel old."

"Generally Rob, I do not answer those kind of questions. Especially when it comes from a client. But since we are friends first I'll answer it just for you. Yes, I have been with several men & several women. I'm pansexual."

I have no idea what pansexual is...I ask her to define:

"I'm not limited in sexual choice with regards to biological sex, gender or gender identity."

"It sounds like bisexual with a fancy name to confuse people," is my honest response.

"It's not," she states firmly, "It's similar in a way; but more defined."

"I still don't get it. May I ask you another question Lacey?"

"No, you may not Rob. We've discussed murdering people & my sexuality long enough. There's still a couple minutes left in our session. Tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"Before I do I've got to tell you what a fan of the blog said to me the other day."

"What did they say Rob?"

"They said murdering a motherfucker (all three posts) is my best material yet. It has an edginess to it. That's how they explained it. They also requested I talk more about you in the blog. Are you cool with it?"

"What else do people want to know? I'm a Pisces; I'm engaged to another women; I'll sleep with a guy every now and then just to get it out of my system. The fiancee & I have discussed a polyamorous relationship."

I have no idea what polyamorous means. I ask for a definition:

"It means you can have multiple relationships with the consent of everyone involved."

"So you would have some side action as long as everyone is cool with it. No secrets; no lying; no sneaking around. All the parties involved are knowing & willing participants. I'd be down for something like that Lacey. Would you & the fiancee be interested in a relationship like that with a guy like me?"

"Absolutely not," is her immediate reply.

"Jesus, you didn't have to be that abrupt about it? What kind of guys are twenty seven year old female pansexuals attracted to nowadays?"

"The opposite of you Rob. We're out of time. I have you marked again for Monday at six. Does that work for you?"

"Look forward to it Lacey," is my eager response.