Martin & Lewis...

Today I had another session with my twenty seven year old, lesbian, Zoom shrink Lacey:

"I'm not hear to listen to your political leanings. Let's hear more about your crush & her mother. It's something positive."

"It's just that Biden sucks ass. I can't believe..."

"What did I just say Rob? Your political leanings are not what I am hear to talk about. Is that what you want me to put in your file?"

"No," in a sheepish tone.

"Okay than, now tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"I gave Kendra a ride to the airport today. It was time for her to go home. She'll be back for a week towards the middle of October."

"It sounds like you had a lot of fun while she was here."

"No doubt about it Lacey. It was an eventful week."

"How is her mother doing?"

Lacey finds it intriguing the eighty seven year old mother of my crush doubles as my BFF. I share a story with her:

"Mama told me a funny story today about a pair of Guess overalls she bought for Kendra when she was in high school...her baby could not go without them."

"Guess overalls?"

The look was popular in the late eighties/early nineties. It's before Lacey's time:

"It was a thing back in the eighties. You'd where a pair of designer overalls with one of the straps undone. It made you look cool."

The look is not registering with her.

"Was she a farmer?"

"No, these aren't farm overalls I'm talking about. It's before your time. Let's talk about something else."

"What did you do for Labor Day Rob?"

"Kendra prepared a barbecue feast for me & a number of other residents at LaSolana. It was delicious. She fixed brats & dogs with all the fixings. We had watermelon for desert."

"Did her mother come to the barbecue?

"She was there for a while."

"How is she doing?"

"Her regular chirpy self," adding with a laugh, "She told me another funny story? It's hilarious."

"Let's hear it," Lacey replies with enthusiasm.

"The other night she was digging around in the refrigerator looking for something to snack on before bed & Kendra asked, 'What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for something to eat & mind your own business," is her reply.

Kendra states, "Mom, look at your belly' & pokes her in the stomach. 'How are you going to get rid of it when you are snacking before bedtime?" 

"My version is not doing the story justice Lacey. It's funny as hell the way mama explains it. Well, after finishing the story she pokes me in the stomach & says, 'You look like you've been snacking before bedtime too."

"She said that to you...oh, how funny."

"Her humor is a big reason why she's my BFF nowadays."

We chat about some mandated stuff & I ask:

"When did you first realize you were a lesbian?"

"That's not stuff you get to ask me Rob," in a harsh tone, "I'm the one who gets to ask the questions."

"Okay, geez, relax. You get to ask all these questions & I don't get to ask any. It doesn't seem fair to me."

"I'll decide what's fair Rob. Do you understand?"

"Yes," is my sheepish reply.

"I have another exercise for you."

"What is it?"

"Describe your crush & her mother in two words...just two words."

"Martin & Lewis," is my immediate reply.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know...Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis. I say that because every time I'm around them all I do is laugh & have a good time."

"Never heard of of them," adding, "Are they some kind of cartoon characters from the seventies?"

"No Lacey! Jesus, drop the psychology book for a minute & watch some old videos about the Rat Pack."

"The what pack?"

"Never mind, the answer to your question is Martin & Lewis."

angel talk with my therapist...

"Let's get off the murder kick & talk about something more uplifting. How is your love life Mr. Astle?"

"Call me Rob please. Calling me Mr. Astle makes me feel old."

"Sure Rob, I'll do it. Tell me about your love life."

I'd guess Lacey (my Zoom shrink) is thirty...thirty one maybe. It's hard deciphering staring at a screen. One thing is for sure. She is considerably younger than me.

"Not much to report on in that category Lacey."

"Are there any prospects?"

"There's one; she's way out of my league though. It's all wishful thinking on my part."

"What do you like about her Rob? Where did you meet her?"

"She's from the mid west & visits her mother frequently at LaSolana. I think she's a high quality person & those are a rarity nowadays."

"It sounds like you are falling for her Rob."

"Already fell Lacey," is my rapid reply.

"Tell me more about her." 

"She's wonderful, caring, hard working, beautiful (both inside & out). You want to know something else?"

"Let's hear it."

"Her mother, who is eighty six years old, is my BFF."

"Did you say her eighty six year old mother is your BFF?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"How did that happen?"

"We're neighbors & she's a wonderful person as well. The apple does not fall far from the tree with this one."

Revealing to Lacey my BFF is the eighty six year old mother of my crush intrigues her:

"I always tell Kendra if mama was twenty years younger & I was twenty years older; we'd be a thing."

"Do you really say that to her?"

"Yep," is my honest answer.

"What's her response?"

"She smiles & calls me sweet."

"Do you think you'll ever have a chance with her."

"I already told you she is out of my league."

"Does it bother you she is out of your league?"

"It is what it is nowadays Lacey," adding with a heavy sigh, "May I ask you a personal question? It's something I've been wondering about since our first session."

"Sure Mr. Astle...excuse me. I mean sure Rob."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty seven," is her response with a smile.

"Are you married, boyfriend, children?"

"I have a girlfriend & as soon as she finishes her post grad we are going to get married & adopt a child together."

Not that I can tell what a lesbian looks like for sure; take that back; it sticks out in some cases. Lacey appears delicate from what I can deduce by staring at a monitor. It's unlikely she plays the masculine role in her relationship.

"May I ask you another question Lacey?"

"No, you've already asked two," stating firmly, "I'm the one who gets to ask the questions. Now let's get back to your crush. Have you told her how you feel about her?"

"I have in a roundabout way. She knows it & is polite about it. I try not to be creepy about things. There's never going to be any romance between us; but I truly adore her & cherish our friendship. So I'm not going to do anything to screw it up."

"Rob, I'm going to share an early assessment with you. When we first started our sessions you came off as abrupt & half crazy. All you talked about is how you wanted to murder people. Now that we're making progress the caring side of you is starting to show."

When my twenty seven year old shrink referred to me as caring; it made me feel warm & fuzzy...I'd probably ask her out if she was straight.

"Do you want to try an exercise?"

"What is it?"

"Use one word that encompasses your crush & her mother...just one word."

"Angels," is my immediate response, "I'm glad you asked that question because the other day I watched them walk down the sidewalk & out to their car. To me; it looked like two angels walking side by side."

"Angels," she says with a sigh through the monitor, "You are smitten Rob."

"No doubt about it Lacey."

murdering a motherfu@#er...Part 3

"I can picture it Rob. One of these days I'll be waiting in line at the post office & then I'll look to the right and there'll be a picture of your handsome mug on the wall. The caption will read: WANTED FOR THE MURDER OF FOUR MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Miss Kitty," adding with a laugh, "You might, it all depends on opportunity."

"Oh Rob, enough of this nonsense. You've got to stop talking about murdering people. It's going to give people the wrong impression about you."

"I can't help it Miss Kitty. The thought has consumed me."

At my last therapy session Lacey (the shrink) asked me to describe the fantasy to her:

Shrink: How would you do it?

Me: What do you mean? How would I do what?

Shrink: Murder some motherfuckers. You know what I'm talking about.

Me: I'd grab a Louisville slugger & sneak up behind them. I'd have a knife strapped to my side as well. I'd smash their head a couple times with the bat to disorient them, then I would jump on top of them & stab them about thirty times. Afterwards, I would wrap their body in a tarp & drive out to the desert (the hole would already be dug). On the way home I'd stop at Crumbl & get a four pack of cookies to celebrate the feat.

Shrink: What about an alibi. Everyone is going to know it was you. You don't want do get caught. Do you?

Me: You don't need an alibi in fantasy land Lacey.

Shrink: What you're telling me is you don't ever plan to act on your thoughts. Is that correct?

Me: Not necessarily, I'm just saying that right now I don't need an alibi because it is fantasy.

 

murdering a motherfu#@er...Part 2

"What Darwin was too polite to say, my friends, is that we came to rule the earth not because we are the smartest, or even the meanest, but because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle."

~ Stephen King                                                                   

"You sound silly when you walk around telling everyone how much you want to murder someone. Everyone at LaSolana knows you are joking. Come on Rob...You're not really going to murder a motherfucker. Are you?"

Quadruple homicide talk is all the rage at LaSolana nowadays:

"I will given the chance Miss Kitty."

"Where do the people on your hit list live?"

"Not around here. If they did it would have already happened."

"How would you do it?"

"It would be with my bare hands. If not, I'll grab the nearest blunt force object & use it to smash their heads in."

"Why don't you just shoot them?"

"This is an up close & personal deal. It wouldn't satisfy all the rage. Beating them to death is the only way."

"Do you ever think you'll run into these people on your list."

"Nope," adding with all honesty, "My guess is I will never talk with or see them again."

"Good for them & good for you."

"Yep," is my steadfast reply.

My shrink assigned another task. She wants me to list the top five things floating around in my head today. Supposedly, it will help me cope. Here it goes:

1. Bludgeoning someone to death 

2. Watching Jeopardy

3. Dismembering & burying their remains in the desert

4. Eating donuts

5. Taco Tuesday (even though it is Thursday)

murdering a motherfu#@er...

"I use to love her, but I had to kill her, I knew I'd miss her; so I had to keep her...she's buried right in my backyard...I use to love her; but I had to kill her. She bitched so much; it drove me nuts...I can still her complain."

Use to love her (had to kill her) ~ Guns-N-Roses

A guy in Las Vegas strangled his girlfriend & buried her in the backyard. For one reason or another G-N-R lyrics go through my head every time I think about him.

Talking with Miss Kitty at the pool today:

"How are things going nowadays Rob? I haven't seen anything new on your blog lately. What's the deal?"

"I think about murdering people all day long Miss Kitty. That would not be appropriate material for a blog"

"Oh Rob, thirty million dollars isn't that much. You'll find something else. Geez, you've got to stop telling people you want to murder someone. They're going to think something is wrong with you."

"There is something wrong with me because the feelings are fluid. It was an opportunity that comes around once in several lifetimes Miss Kitty. Thinking about how it went down enrages me to no end. It has put homicidal thoughts at the front of my mind."

"You're being a little ridiculous by saying you want to murder someone," she adds with a snicker, "I can just see it... I'll be watching the news & they'll have a story about a quadruple homicide & you'll be the first guy I think of. The police will be chasing your van down Grand Avenue with a chopper following you overhead. Murder someone...please, give me a break."

My shrink told me to do a certain exercise. It's a Q & A (with myself) reflecting on the cause of my devious thoughts. She also said to keep it brief...I will try my best:

The setting:

Beginning of spring 2013; location Chinatown district of Las Vegas. The future of delivery applications is being molded & Rob Astle is bound & determined to get his piece of the pie! 

Pay extra attention to what I'm about to say! It gives clues on why I think about homicides nowadays.

Chinatown districts are a blueprint of what delivery applications thrive on! Blocks upon blocks of restaurants located in the same vicinity. Currently, the Chinatown district in Las Vegas produces millions upon millions in revenue for applications such as DoorDash & Grubhub. In 2013 it is virgin territory for the process.

The murderous thoughts continue. 

An associate at the time (who is now a millionaire thanks to the process) convinced me to find some restaurants for him to load on his site. He paid fifty dollars for every restaurant; turns out I'm a natural. In less than a month ten restaurants were signed/sealed & delivered. The majority residing in Chinatown.

"Hurry up! Get to the point already! Tell us why you want to murder some motherfuckers."

Upon delivery he wanted me to get more. I told him I would but the price was going way up for my services. He didn't have the money so the relationship ended. My thoughts, "I'm the guy who gets the restaurants. Why the hell do I need him? I'll start my own site." 

Here's the part where the murder feelings begin to surface. 

It wasn't the best time for me financially. The recession had taken it's toll and personal resources were scant. Help is needed. Initially, a couple of associates came to town & I gave them the tour. They were not interested, I am disappointed in their decision, but not discouraged. Surely someone else will help. 

Pay attention! This is the part where murder thoughts really, really start to take hold!

"Heah man, Billy Bob & Thelma Sue have been calling you a bum & telling everyone you are running a sham & to stay away from your ideas about Chinatown." 

The exact words of a lifelong friend as he passed on the opportunity...Billy Bob & Thelma Sue are ex associates & they poisoned the well. I've thought long & hard about why they acted the way they did. I'm still not sure. Who am I kidding? They did it out of spite. They are at the top the murder list!

Okay, you are starting to bore me with all this whining about how people are out to get you. How does the story end?

Me on the streets; broke; criticized & mocked while delivery applications are projected to do 200 billion in revenue by 2025.

Why don't you let it go? Everyone has a hard luck story.

For the longest time I tuned it out; you know, pretend it didn't happen. It's proven impossible realizing the billions in revenue delivery applications produce nowadays & knowing damn well I was at the beginning of it.

Now you are starting to really bore people. Why don't you tell us your perceived opportunities lost so we can be done with this?

I'll describe things briefly on an organic level. They'll be more to come at a later date because murderous thoughts are not fleeting.

First & foremost (in 2013) there is no competition for the service in Chinatown. I'm the only guy there with ten restaurants signed & scores more in sight...two of the original ten signed pay over 50k a year in delivery fees nowadays. What do you think a hundred quality restaurants would have brought in? Do your own math.

A snippet from my last therapy session.

Shrink: Don't worry about things so much. You'll eventually forget about all the opportunities & dreams lost. 

Me: I don't think so. The feelings have intensified tenfold since we first started seeing each other.

Shrink: How are you going to get rid of the feelings?

Me: By murdering some motherfuckers!

 

 

 

Taco Tuesday...

Taco's give a temporary reprieve from any misgiving:

"Here you go Irma," standing at her door with a Styrofoam container, "I got you the shredded beef again."

There's a worried look on her face:

"What's wrong sweetheart?"

"Kendra caught me in a fib & now she's upset about it."

"What did you do now?"

"I drove to Adobe & got on the treadmill for four miles. Jesus, it's just up the street. I can drive there with my eyes closed."

It's not my place to comment on the matter.

"Forget about things for a few minutes & enjoy your taco's. The problem will wait for you to finish. Besides, it's Taco Tuesday."

The comment brings a smile to her face.

"I'm paying for yours today," as she hands me an additional five dollars, "You're right about taco's. They sure make people happy."

"Tell Kendra I said hello & to relax. It's all good."

The other day I was lounging at the pool discussing real estate with Lilly:

"These places are going up like crazy," referring to the current value of condos at LaSolana.

"Everything is going up," is her immediate reply.

"The one next to me sold in a day...straight cash!"

"Did you check out the open house?"

"I sure did Lilly; the place is immaculate."

"What price did they get?"

"One sixty nine. It's the same model as mine."

"That's a nice price," is her impressive reply, "I have the next model up & it would sell for one eighty five to one ninety," adding with a shrug, "Hopefully the bubble doesn't pop before I go to sell."

The housing market experienced an evisceration eleven short years ago. If the crash is anything like that...whew, watch out!

"You want to hear a sad but true story Lilly?"

"Let's hear it Rob."

"The place sold was owned by a ninety four year old man. He'd use his walker to get everywhere. I'd gotten to know him a little. Well, a few weeks go by & I don't see him anymore. Obviously, he passed away. What I''m trying to say is the guy died in the middle of the night & I'm his fucking neighbor & didn't have a clue until I saw his place for sale three weeks later."

"Don't let it freak you out. That kind of thing happens a lot around here. My neighbor makes the same comment every time he sees an ambulance at Lasolana, 'There goes another condo on the market."

less than stellar feedback...Part 4

I've been floating the idea of a situation comedy based on the comings & goings of the pool crowd at LaSolana. The feedback thus far has been less than stellar:

"Do you want to know the difference between your idea & steaming pile of shit at the dog park?"

"Sure Rocky," anticipating an insult, "What's the difference?"

"Somebody will pick up the steaming pile of dog shit."

"That's a good one Rocky. Did you make that up?"

"Yep," replying smugly, "It's ridiculous thinking people will find you and other old, fat, decrepit fuckers floating around in a pool entertaining; much less humorous," shaking his head in disgust, "Okay, Mr. Wannabe. Let's pretend I'm a show runner & you're trying to pitch me the idea. I will give you thirty seven seconds...Go!"

Rocky is the farthest thing in the world from a show runner; I need the practice:

"Thank you for this opportunity Mr. Showrunner," adding, "First of all look at the demographics of Sun City. They're old! When I say old? I'm saying seventy is a pup. The hook will be old! The characters will be old. The older the better!"

"Twenty seven seconds," adding in a belligerent tone, "Twenty six, twenty five..."

"Mr Showrunner, there's never been a better time for this. The Covid 19 hangover is fading & people are ready for something fresh; something creative; something to talk about. The concept has it all. It's going to keep people begging for more."

"Ten seconds," more belligerent than before, "Nine seconds, eight seconds..."

"In conclusion, Mr. Showrunner, the story line revolves around me & a number of other residents at LaSolana floating in a pool; or relaxing in a hot tub...all while we critique fast food & comment about women I want to sleep with. Other story lines will be sprinkled in as well. It's a winning formula!"

"You're the only guy who thinks that; not interested," as he imitates a person slamming a phone down, "That's what a show runner is going to tell you."

"Good thing you're not a real show runner Rocky. I would be screwed."

"You are screwed on the concept no matter what," adding in a sarcastic tone, "Good Luck!"

I despise when people wish me good luck & don't mean it.

 

"