prelude to a three way...

Life comes full circle when you find yourself in a Zoom chat with your twenty seven year old, pansexual, polyamorous therapist & her same aged fiancee. In box #2 is your thrice married fifty two year old lifelong friend whose only thought is turning the clock back twenty years. The topic of discussion is a burgeoning polyamorous relationship between the three. My role is to facilitate:

"Roy, this is my therapist Lacey & her fiancee Kara," he's two minutes fashionably late. "Lacey & Kara this is Roy."

The two affix their eyes upon him through the monitor. He reciprocates.

I've been instructed to make the introductions & keep quiet:

"Before we get started Mr. Cumpton. I have to clarify something,"

Lacey starts the session with a question.

"Go right ahead," is his response with a toothy grin.

"Would you like us to refer to you as Roy; or Mr. Cumpton; or Legend?"

"Legend doll face. That's what everyone calls me nowadays."

"Okay Legend," in a sultry tone, "Just so we can get it out of the way. Stand up from the monitor & take a few steps back. We'd like to see the full view."

He pops up & steps backward. The angle provides a full body shot.

"Spin around for us if you would please," Kara requests.

The black workout shorts he's donning accentuate years of compound movements in the gym. They're impressed by his hard work.

"My oh my," Lacey quips, "Mr. Astle was not kidding when he said women admired your backside."

"Very nice," Kara adds to the mix.

"'Thank you for the compliment my muses," with a toothier smile than before, "Good for the goose; good for the gander."

They're confused by the quip. 

"It's your turn now," twirling his finger.

"Oh, of course," Lacey replies.

They stand up in unison & move into camera angle. Lacey is wearing a pair of Daisy Duke shorts with a white t-shirt reading Poly much? Kara is outfitted in a knee high skirt with a white blouse. It's a welcome sight indeed.

"Okay ladies, turn around for me. Let's see what your mother gave you."

They turn in unison & glare over their shoulders at him. 

"Whoops," Lacey bellows as she lifts Kara's skirt in a playful manner. The action reveals a peach shaped rear end covered by a pink thong.

"Lacey," giggling as she pushes her gently, "If I knew you were going to do that I would have worn appropriate panties. Do you like what you're seeing Mr. Cumpton?"

"It's a given. It goes without saying," his quirky response brings laughter.

"Now that we have it out of the way," Lacey adds as they retake their seats, "What is your idea of a good time? Let's say we were to meet up for a weekend & explore things further. How would you handle us?"

"What would you do to us?" Kara adds boldly.

This is the part I've been anticipating. Does he still have it?

"First of all, I'm going to book the finest suite in town, wherever that may be. Then it is pool & spa time. After that we'll head over to Victoria's Secret for a shopping spree. Are you goddesses a fan of the place?"

"You better believe it. I have a frequent shoppers card," Lacey's rapid response.

"The thong I'm wearing is from Victoria's," coos Kara.

The smile on his face grows ever wider.

"After the shopping spree it's back to the suite & the finest bottle of champagne while my muses model the lingerie for me."

"I like your style Legend."

"Me too."

They're hooked.

"Hold on lovelies; there's much more. After a bottle or two of champagne it is bubble bath time. I'm going to caress your bodies with the finest soaps & lotions while you do the same to me."

Fifty two years of age & smoother than ever.

"Once everyone is comfortable it will be time for us to become one."

"Do you have any certain preferences in the bed room Mr. Cumpton? I mean Legend," Kara confessing to her intimate thoughts.

"I'm a big fan of Kama Sutra beautiful. We'll take our time. Absorb the moment. Are you a fan of Kama Sutra?" 

"Vaguely, I'd be willing to learn though."

"I'd be willing to learn as well Mr. Cumpton, I mean Legend," the other half chimes.

"It's a beautiful thing my muses. I am eager to teach."

They share a few more details & Lacey states.

"Mr. Astle told me your successes in life began after you caught the winning touchdown pass in the state title game. Moments of that nature indicate Alpha behavior."

"Not to brag gorgeous, I also recovered a fumble & had nine tackles."

I lather his ego further.

"Legend, tell them about the time you sank a forty footer in the league title game to force overtime. The Bulldogs ended up winning."

"Mr. Astle, I forgot you were there. He did what?"

"He sank a forty footer at the end of regulation to send the game into overtime. Remember Roy?"

He plays it off.

"I forgot about that. I've been blessed to have some good fortune in tight spots."

"Mr. Astle indicated you were an Alpha. I'm always skeptical because  guys pretend a lot," glancing Kara's way & adding, "Honey, we found the Alpha we've been desiring," her bedroom eyes illuminating evermore.

"We sure have," bedroom stares from Kara as well.

Discussion of the arrangement intensifies. I am dropped from the room. 

the Troy Aikman lookalike...

My therapist is a twenty seven year old polyamorous, pansexual female by the name of Lacey. Initially, our sessions revolved around me discussing murderous feelings. Eventually, those feelings subsided & the sex chatter began. At first I am unfamiliar with the terms pansexual & polyamorous. She explains them in detail. Lacey is engaged to another twenty seven year old pansexual by the name of Kara. Their plan is to explore a polyamorous relationship with an older man:

"What does he look like? Kara wanted to know."

"Back in the day everyone said he looked like Troy Aikman."

"Who?"

"Jesus Lacey, it's a good thing you three won't be talking football when the deal goes down."

"Hold on Rob. I'm going to Google him. What's his name again?"

"Troy Aikman, he's the former quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. He's an announcer nowadays."

Through the screen I watch her fumble through a Google search on a separate device:

"Whew...hot daddy! I've seen him before. Are you telling me Legend resembles him?"

"That's what everyone says. He's aged a little since then. Rest assured, he's a handsome, well heeled man. The two of you desire an Alpha male. Am I hearing you correctly?"

"Sometimes I feel as if I'm the patient & you're the therapist."

"It's called listening & learning. Our sessions have renewed those traits."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then the conversation turns to Legend once again:

"Tell me more about him before our meeting."

A Zoom meeting is scheduled this weekend for the three of them to discuss a possible menage a trois. 

"He could handle himself in a scuffle"

"What do you mean?"

"Back in the day his fights never lasted more than ten seconds."

"Was he a professional fighter?

"No, all that stuff became popular after his prime. He could have been one though."

The macho man talk is resonating judging by the lustful tone in her voice:

"He really is an Alpha male. Again, that's are biggest requirement. We want a man who takes charge in both the bedroom & life. This weekend will be an interesting chat. Are you sure he's going to be there? I don't want you to disappoint me again Rob."

"He'll be there Lacey. Don't you & Kara worry about it. That's all he's been thinking about for the last week."

I'm not sure what my role is after introductions. I ask her to clarify.

"Sit there in your little box & keep your mouth shut. If they're any questions I'll address you."

Mr. three way...

"When they weren't calling him Legend his other nickname was Mr. three way."

"You made that up. They didn't call him that."

Lacey finds Legend intriguing & vice versa. I'm doing my best to play matchmaker:

"When is the last time he was in a three way Rob?"

I'd recommend pansexual, polyamorous, female Zoom shrinks to all my friends. They ask risque questions:

"It's been a while is my best guess. Back in the day you could set your watch to it. He's been married off & on for the last twenty years. His wive's weren't into that kind of thing. That's what he told me any way. Now he is free & easy. You have grabbed his attention."

"He has grabbed ours as well."

"Ours? Did you chat with the fiancee about him?"

"I did," adding, "She finds the idea of an older man in a polyamorous relationship intriguing as well."

"How come you don't find me appealing? You haven't even seen Legend yet & he's got you all hot & bothered. What about me?"

The winning touchdown catch in the state title game hooked her:

"We've already discussed this Mr. Astle. The loathsome loser type is not for us. Legend, on the other hand, is an Alpha male. Those are the kind of men we find attractive."

"How old is your fiancee Lacey?"

"She is the same age as me."

The thought of him pancaked with a couple of twenty seven year old broads slathering him like syrup & hot butter lights a jealous fuse in me.

"Legend is fifty two years old. What's the oldest guy you have ever been with Lacey?"

"Thirty one," adding, "He was the last guy in our relationship. It didn't work out because of his immaturity."

"Think about it this way. Take the fiancee's age & your age & add it together. You would have his age. Actually, you would be two years older than him. You catch what I'm saying."

The jealous side of me is doing its best to dissuade her. She's not having it. 

"It's his experience that turns us on. How many women do you think he's been with?"

"Scores & scores," adding with all seriousness, "He was pulling three ways & reverse cowgirls before you were even a thought."

"Reverse cowgirl," she purrs, "That's my favorite position of all time. The more you tell me about him the more attractive he sounds."

"I talked with him about joining us for a therapy session. He said he'd do whatever it took. You've got him spellbound."

"Good," with a smile on her face, "See if he can join us for our weekend session Rob. I'm going to have the fiancee with me so she can get a meet him as well. If we like what were seeing we'll go from there. One more question about him. What kind of stamina does he possess?"

"I asked him the same question & he told me Viagra & a grip of coke & whiskey will keep him at optimal performance during the tryst. He also said you & the fiancee should prepare yourself for unrelenting pleasure."

stripper sandwiches...

A twenty minute Zoom session with my favorite pansexual shrink over the weekend focuses on my friend Legend:

"Legend has been reading about our sessions Lacey. He finds you intriguing."

"Why is that Mr. Astle."

"It's your sexuality. It's appealing to him."

"My sexuality is appealing to many men Mr. Astle. Why should I care what Legend thinks?"

"He's confused about the difference between pansexual & bisexual. He says all the pansexual talk in the blog reminds him of a stripper girlfriend from the nineties."

"This is the guy who caught the winning pass in the state title game when you were in high school."

"Yes Ma'am, that's Legend."

"Why do I remind this pervert of his stripper girlfriend from the nineties?"

"He said his girlfriend would fuck him silly & afterwards she would call over another girl & he would have a stripper sandwich."

"What's a stripper sandwich?"

"A three way Lacey,"

"Oh, I see, go on with the story."

"His girlfriend back then is a bisexual, but in today's world she would be labeled pansexual is what he thinks. The point is you remind him of her. He's fresh out of his third marriage & looking to turn the clock back twenty years. It's younger women he desires. You & the fiancee might be a good fit is his underlying thought."

Stripper girlfriends & his thirst for three ways arouses her:

"Tell me a naughty one about him Rob. He sounds like an Alpha...unlike you.

"A naughty one, hmmm...okay Lacey, I got a naughty one for you. Legend was known for his cunnilingus skills. One night we are standing at the bar & a certain lady approaches him. Women approached him all the time, so it wasn't anything new. I hadn't seen this one before & she is smoking hot. Any way, they toss back a few drinks & this babe looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Stacey told me you know how to eat pussy. Is that true?"

"Oh my goodness, she actually said that to him," interrupting before I finish the story, "What did he do?"

"I won't ever forget this Lacey. He looked her straight in the eyes & said, 'You are about to find out for yourself bitch."

We chat about a few mandates & then she suggests:

"You should invite Legend to one of our therapy sessions. He sounds interesting. I'd like to meet him. Tell him more about what it is to be pansexual & polyamorous."

"Legends my age. Don't forget that."

"Doesn't matter the age Mr. Astle. A polyamorous pansexual wants what it wants."

"Okay, I'll ask him. It's going to be weird having him Zoom in on my therapy sessions. Is there any way I could pass on the information to him & he could contact you independent of our sessions? I'd feel like a third wheel."

"Nope," is her stern reply, "I want you to introduce me to this man. Set it up & get back to me."

bounce a quarter...

Five o'clock rolls around & it's time for another session with my favorite pansexual Zoom shrink:

"Do you want to know what Legend said about women?"

"Is this the guy you were talking about the other day?"

"Yes Ma'am, that's him."

"What did he say?"

"He said women were good at two things...changing a flat tire is not one of them."

"You're friend Legend sounds like a chauvinist."

"Lacey," laughing at her remark, "Last time I saw him he looked more like the guy who ate Legend."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about a friend," with a mean girl glare through the monitor.

"It's true though," adding, "Let me tell you how he got the nickname in the first place."

"Is it vulgar? I don't want to hear it if it's vulgar."

"The origin is clean. You'll enjoy this one."

"Okay," looking at her watch, "Make it snappy."

"He caught a hail Mary touchdown pass with no time on the clock in the state title game. The snag gave the Bulldogs a two point victory & a state title in football...it's first."

"Oh really," is her reply in a curious tone.

"He out jumped two defenders in the back of the end zone. Afterwards, everyone referred to him as Legend."

"It's a catchy nickname. What's his real name?"

"Roy Cumpton," is my immediate reply.

"What's he do nowadays?"

"He just got through with his third marriage. He's in cattle, agriculture & construction."

"Is he a farmer?"

"More of a hobby farmer."

"What's a hobby farmer?"

"It's what you call a guy who makes his money elsewhere & then decides to buy a couple of acres & grow crops. It's a common phrase in the mid west."

We chat about mandates & then she asks about a women I wish to have sex with:

"There's a new one."

"What happened to the lady at the gym?"

"Haven't seen the one you're talking about in a while...I'm over her. There's another one at the gym I'd like to see naked though."

"Don't start with the raunchiness Mr. Astle," rolling her eyes in disgust.

"Sorry Lacey," with all honesty, "I can't help it."

Mistaking Lacey for one of the guys is something I must improve upon:

"What's so great about this one?"

"Whenever I see a women killing it on the squat rack I get turned on. Her rear end resembles two canned hams. You could bounce a quarter off this ladies ass for sure."

"Why don't you tell her that & see what she says."

"Tell her what Lacey?"

"Tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass."

"I'm complimenting her when I say that."

"Okay, if it's such a compliment than tell her...I'm being serious, just tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass & see what she says."

"In all honesty I'd like to bounce something else off her ass instead."

"Vulgarity is going to be your undoing Mr. Astle."

"Okay, Jesus Lacey, it's just a joke. Lighten up for Christ Sake's."

"Again, everything is a joke with you. I think I'll tell the court we have a comedian on our hands. See how funny they think you are."

 

I'm offended...

Four o'clock rolls around & it's time for another Zoom session with my favorite twenty seven year old pansexual shrink:

"How was your weekend Mr. Astle?" She got some sun over the weekend judging by the redness of her face.

"It was terrible Lacey. I threatened to kill a couple of motherfuckers!"

"What?"

"Relax," with a laugh, "I'm joking."

"You think everything is funny. That's something I'm putting in your file. It's odd you find your situation humorous."

"Goddammit, please stop calling me Mr. Astle. I've told you a hundred times to call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

It's either laughter or wanting to kill someone. I tell her such:

"Mr. Astle," using my surname once again, "Where do you see yourself in six months? a year? two years?"

"Two years max I'll be dead Lacey."

"Why do you think you'll be dead in two years?"

"My mother croaked at fifty two. I'm fifty one. Everyone tells me I have her genes. Do you want to hear something interesting?"

"Let's hear it."

"I recently made arrangements on how to dispose of my remains."

"What are you talking about?"

"Once I kick over I'm going to get cremated."

"I see now," is her quick reply, "Where are you going to have your ashes spread?"

"The Chinatown district of Las Vegas. My buddy James has a map of exactly where to spread them."

"Chinatown meant a lot to you Mr. Astle. It's obvious when you tell me it's where your ashes are going to be spread."

"It sure did Lacey," adding with angst, "It's going to be the last thing on my mind before I go."

We talk about some mandates & then she inquires about a women at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"Did you see her over the weekend?"

"I did, she was doing Bulgarian split squats."

"What are those?"

"It's using one leg to squat while your other leg is balanced on a platform. It's similar to doing a lunge."

"Sounds like hard work."

"It is Lacey; extremely hard; she had some weight in her hand as well. You could bounce a quarter off her backside."

"You are starting to act vulgar again Mr. Astle. Do you remember what we talked about in our last session?"

"Sorry Lacey," while rolling my eyes, "It's the truth though."

"Keep those thoughts to yourself when we are in session."

It use to be you would compliment a women on her figure & they would smile & thank you. It ratified their efforts in the gym. There was also a time when you could whistle at women & they would smile & wave back as you drove by. Not anymore. I learned that lesson around 2015 or so:

"Do you want to hear a funny story Lacey? It'll be an example of what is acceptable nowadays & what use to work back in my day."

"Is it vulgar? Because if it is I don't want to hear it."

"It's clean. You'll like it."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"I was driving around Garden of the Gods."

"Garden of the what?"

"Garden of the Gods. It's a famous rock formation in Colorado Springs. A popular place with tourists & locals alike. You should go there one of these days with your fiancee."

"Maybe I will. Go on with the story."

"Driving by one of the entrances to a hiking trail & I notice two attractive women leaving. Instinctively, I whistled & waved. They shot a dirty look at me & one of them raised their middle finger. It left me flabbergasted."

"Why would you be flabbergasted when you are harassing them?"

"In my younger days it wasn't uncommon for me; or my buddies; to whistle, wave & smile at attractive women as we drove by. Back then, believe it or not, most would smile & wave back to you. Everyone viewed it as harmless. Not so much nowadays. Why is that Lacey?"

"It's offending to women when you objectify them. That's what your actions did."

"It was meant to be a compliment for Christ Sake's. Them not waving back is not what bothered me. It's when one of them shot the middle finger in my direction," stopping to gather my thoughts, "It offended me. See, a guy like me can be offended as well."

"Why would you be offended when you are the perpetrator?"

"Perpetrator, Jesus, all I did was whistle & wave. You make it sound like I got out of the car & started chasing them. It's bullshit how everyone is offended nowadays. It wasn't a slight. It is meant to be a compliment!"

"Now you know better Mr. Astle," in a sarcastic tone, "Remember, the nineties are over."

"Yeah, I'll remember it Lacey. What a fucking joke."

"There you go again," evermore sarcasm in her voice, "Everything is a joke to you."

"Like I said earlier Lacey. It's either a joke or wanting to kill someone."

a direct approach...

"Mr. Astle, I have another exercise for you."

I tell you...pansexual Zoom shrinks & their psycho babble:

"Tell me in three sentences what your prevailing attitude in life is right now. Keep it brief." 

"Hmm," as I scratch my chin & stare back at the monitor, "Do you want to know what my attitude is at this very moment? Is that what you're asking Lacey?"

"That's exactly what I'm asking Mr. Astle."

"Three sentences," murmuring as I gather my thoughts, "I don't give a shit if the world burns down. As a matter of fact I'm anticipating it. The only thing I will do when it happens is try to light a cigarette from the ashes."

"Mr. Astle, your answer is disturbing. Are you a disturbed person?"

"Lacey, for the hundredth time...please call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

"Mr. Astle," repeating firmly, "Are you a disturbed?"

"If you don't like the answer. Why ask the question?"

"Let us not forget how are relationship was forged. Would you like me to relay your answer to the judge?"

"No," is my answer in a cowardly tone.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question. This time pretend it's the judge asking. Do you understand?"

"I do," in a more cowardly tone than before.

"Again, in three sentences, describe to me your attitude at this very moment."

"Everything is rosy & perfect. It's boundless opportunities for a guy like me. It's like watching my favorite musical."

"See, that wasn't so hard. I'll relay your sentiments to the court."

The last few sessions have been terse. I offer to lighten the mood with a joke:

"I don't want to hear anymore of your raunchy jokes. Quite frankly, I find your humor offensive."

"It's going to be a clean joke."

"Okay, it better be! Let's hear it."

"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?"

"I don't know."

"In case he got a hole in one."

"That's a good one. much better than the filth you've been sharing in our previous sessions."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then she asks about a lady at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"It's hard for me to describe it without being graphic. When you have sexual thoughts about someone there always graphic. I don't want to offend you."

"Leave out the part about how you want to fuck her silly. Those were your words last time we talked," adding, "Remember Mr. Astle, women are more than just pieces of meat."

"Look," pausing to gather my thoughts, "It's just a lady I want to have sex with. We're not going to take long walks in the park; or dance in the rain. I just want to have sex with her. You know, get it out of my system."

"There you go again with the locker room talk. You'll never have a chance with an attitude like that."

Her statement reminds me of a tryst years ago involving a lonely lady & a lonely guy at a hotel bar in downtown Albuquerque. He offered to buy her a drink & she accepted. As the night progressed the drinks flowed & inhibitions dissipated.

"Look, I'm probably never going to see you again after tonight. Why don't we go back to my room & fuck like a couple of wild rabbits?"

The lonely guy is intoxicated & figures directness is his best chance.

"I like that idea," is the response from the lonely lady.

They spend the remainder of the night engaged in every sexual position one could imagine. It is a magical night for both. The lonely lady has a flight to catch in the morning & tells the lonely guy: 

"Thank you for the company. I needed it!" 

The lonely guy reciprocates the sentiment.

I share the story with Lacey & her remark is:

"That's your strategy. You are just going to walk up to her and ask her if she wants to fuck."

"Look, Lacey," realizing she doesn't get it, "The moral of the story is why beat around the bush when most of the time they have the same thing in mind that you do. It's a direct approach."

"It sounds idiotic," is her immediate reply.

"I didn't say it was always effective. It's direct...I'll tell you something right now the approach works a lot more than people give it credit for."