The village idiot of Las Vegas gets blown off by Roxy for the umpteenth time, but doesn't care.

"I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day. And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way. But my silent fears have gripped me. Long before I reach the phone. Long before my tongue has tripped me. Must I always be alone?"

The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic


"Jethro, are you a fucking moron? How many times do I have to tell you not to call me? Sleeping with you again has made you extremely clingy. I knew I shouldn't have done it," hearing Roxy's voice, even though it was tense, sure made me feel good. I am under the persuasion that she just needs a little more time to come to her senses and then she will finally realize I am the man of her dreams - "Babe - I know I said I wouldn't bother you anymore. But I just can't get you off of my mind. I can't stop thinking about you!" I state forcefully.

She is extremely feisty, but that's OK with me...I enjoy it when she plays hard to get - "Look, moron, don't call me Babe. I am most definitely not your fucking Babe!" She says in no uncertain terms, she then adds, "Jethro, if I could just reach through the phone and choke your stupid ass - I would do it! Listen to me! I have already decided I am never going to sleep with you again. You are too much of a fucking headache." It's not the sex, even though it is wonderful - I sincerely feel we have a connection. I want her to understand my sentiment...no matter how divisive she is towards it.

"Roxy, why can't we be together? I think you are playing hard to get with me. Who says you and I can't work out? You would make this dumb hillbilly the happiest guy in Las Vegas if you would just be my girl," I say with a wish and a prayer.

Instead of hanging up, which she usually does when I press her for answers, she instead decides to be forthcoming...too forthcoming - "Jethro, I am not your girl and I don't want to be your girl. For some reason or another you can't get it through your head on how things work between the two of us. God, if you weren't so adorable. I have to go now Jethro...Bye."

After the phone goes dead, I start thinking about something uncle Ned told me a long time back - "It is never a good idea to fall in love with a whore. If you do choose that path? Just remember when things go to shit. You are the one who chose to fall in love with a whore!" - Goddammit if that fat son of bitch wasn't right again.

The village idiot of Las Vegas tells Roxy he loves her.

"Two cars parked on the overpass. Rocks hit the water like broken glass. I should have known right then that it was too good to last. God, it's such a drag when you're living in the past. Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes. Even the losers keep a little bit of pride.... They get lucky sometimes."

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Even the Losers


"Jethro, don't you dare use that word with me! I do not share your feelings one bit! Don't use that fucking word!" Geez, you would have thought I shot the pope by the way she reacted. All I did was tell her I love her. I had been wanting to say it to her for a while, but had just now worked up the nerves. She took it a lot different than I expected -"I am sorry Roxy, I don't want you to be mad at me," I quip cautiously, "I just needed to tell you how I felt. I can't help it. I love you. It's a matter of the heart."

Telling her how I felt was a weight off my shoulders, I was praying she would feel the same way about me, as usual - I was wrong. "Jethro," she says forcefully, "Why are you trying to fuck things up? Don't tell me you love me! Don't say that to me! You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Look, I am going back to California tomorrow. I want you to leave me alone. If I want to talk, I will call you - Fair enough?" Why does she have to be so guarded? All I did was tell her I love her. It's not like I asked her to marry me.

I ask one more question before she hangs up - "Roxy, do you think there will ever be a time when the two of us could be together? I think about that day and it makes me smile." I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the phone after my question, and then she says - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable. If being adorable was all I needed from a guy - we would be together and I would never think about anyone else. But the problem is. And I say this with all the sincerity in the world. You lack all the other skills required to keep a women like me happy."

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls his friend Roxy to tell her how he feels about her.

"Goddamn, I swear I am going to slap the living daylights out of you. What part of don't call me I will call you didn't you understand? Do you understand English boy?" The last time the two of us talked we had a tentative agreement that I wouldn't call her, she would call me. Well, I tried my best to honor the agreement, but I miss her and I wanted to tell her such - "I know that I said I wouldn't bother you Roxy, but I miss you and I wanted to know what you were doing." Roxy is a no bullshit kind of gal. That's what I like most about her. So when she told me to fuck off. Well, it kind of made me smile. "Where are you at?" I could hear a bunch of ringing noises in the background. I was guessing she was at a casino. Turns out I was correct.

"Not that it is any of your fucking business, but I am with Carmen and we're down at the Venetian." I then heard a voice in the background say, "Hi Jethro," Carmen is Roxy's double, only seven years younger. I have suggested to Roxy on a number of occasions that the three of us should make an 'Astle boy sandwich' one of these days. When I first suggested the culinary delight to her, she had not the slightest idea what I was talking about. Then she thought about it for a moment. Her response is always the same - "You're worthless, broke, fat, stupid, lazy ass wants to have a threesome with Carmen and I. God Jethro, you are such a fucking pig. Never going to happen." I always tell her that she doesn't have to get so upset about things. It's just an idea. Anyways, I decided it best to skip the threesome talk and get straight to the point with her. "Roxy, I haven't said this in a long time to anyone, but I think I love you."

After I told her that I loved her, I waited patiently for a response - "Roxy are you still there?" She has a habit of hanging up on me before I am fully able to get my thoughts across to her. "Roxy, did you hear what I just said? I said that I think I love you." I kept waiting patiently for her to say something. The anxiety was killing me. After a few more silent moments pass, I look down at my phone and discover that I had been disconnected. I immediately call back to tell her how I feel and the call goes directly to her voice mail.

The village idiot of Las Vegas calls Roxy after getting dumped by her a few days ago.

"Jethro, I thought I told you to lose my fucking number. Why are you calling me?" Roxy told me to piss off a few days ago but I just can't get her out of my head. I was calling in the hopes she would give me another chance. "Roxy, I know that you said I am not the guy for you. But I can change. I feel we have a connection. You even said the same thing when we were together the other night. Would you please give me another chance at your heart?"

In certain spots, Roxy is the sweetest most caring person I know. Unfortunately, most of the time, she's the biggest bitch in Las Vegas. So when I asked her for another chance at her heart, I was praying I would be catching the caring and sweet Roxy. As is the case usually, I got the other end - "Jethro, you are so fucking adorable sometimes. Why can't you just leave it at that? I knew that I shouldn't have slept with you again. God, whenever we sleep together you start thinking we're a couple. I got news for you Jethro. You should just enjoy things while they last." Roxy doesn't shy away a bit on telling you how she feels or what the situation is. "Listen Jethro, because I am only going to say it once to you. You need to get back into reality. The Chinese are not going to help you execute your plan. Every time you talk about Chinatown and organic growth strategies - I just want to slap the shit out of you - That's the biggest reason why I don't see things working out between the two of us. Nothing is ever going to come out of your efforts in Chinatown!"

I always find it humorous watching her reaction whenever I talk about opportunities in Chinatown. I will start telling her about all the people I know in Chinatown and how all the restaurants there should be aggregated to an E-commerce site. Without fail, she always says and does the same thing. "My name is Jethro and I am Chinese." After saying this, she will pull her eyes back on her lovely face as to mimic certain Asian features. "Ma, Pa - I am going down to Chinatown. They need their cows milk and I am just the guy." That is another one of her favorite lines. Her antics are intended to deride and denigrate me. Truth be told, it actually has the opposite effect. I think she is hilarious. I've told her on a number of occasions that she should be performing stand up - "Ladies and gentlemen, please give a loud applause for Roxy... The call girl comedienne." Anyways, I wanted to get right to the point with her. So I asked her once again. "Roxy, do you think the two of us have a chance?"

She has a nasty habit of hanging up on me before I can get my thoughts across to her. I was wondering if she had done it again. "Roxy are you still there?" There was a brief moment of silence after my query and then I heard her say - "Yeah, I am still here Jethro. Why don't we leave things at this. You go chase the Chinese up and down the block. If I want to see you again, I will call you. You do not call me!" I told her that I was serious about making things work between the two of us and hastily agreed to her request. I will never give up on Roxy. We have a connection that can't be broken. The question is - has she given up on me?

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets dumped by Roxy.

Roxy and I had planned on watching the Super Bowl together and then I got the call - "Jethro, I am going to watch the Super Bowl with some of my friends." OK, sounded like a good plan to me. I then asked her where she wanted me to meet her at, she tells me this. "Jethro, I don't think you are catching on to what I just said. I am going to watch the game with some of my friends and you're not invited." Did I do something to make her mad? I thought everything was good between the two of us. I asked what the deal was and she said this. "Jethro, I don't know how to say this. So I am just going to say it. I don't want to be seen in public with you. What would I tell my friends? This is my homeless boyfriend from Kansas, Jethro. He writes blogs and thinks that he is going to get rich off the backs of a billion China men one of these days. Do you know how embarrassing that would be?"

I was immediately confused. We had spent the night together a few nights previous and everything seemed like it was good between the two of us. I reiterated my sentiment to her and she told me this - "God - Jethro - Grow up! Just because a girl fucks a guy doesn't always mean they want to be attached. I was lonely, I thought there might be a chance for the two of us. After further consideration I have decided that you're not the guy for me."

Girls like Roxy are brash. They will tell you how the cow ate the cabbage and not bat an eye doing it. To be honest, that's one of my biggest attractions towards her. I then asked her if she thought there was any chance for us in the future. She said this to me. "Jethro, look, it's not that I don't care for you. It's just that you haven't changed any. I remember when we first met and you told me about the Chinese, hyper local, organic growth strategies and all that other stuff. You said that you didn't care if it killed you. You were going to make it work. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to your talk. I figured it was just your bravado acting up. But now, I believe you're serious and that scares me. I don't want to be driving down the street and see you holding a sign on the corner panhandling for money or find out your dead in some alley somewhere. You don't have the skills! You need to get that through your head! Why don't you move back to Kansas and get a job shoveling shit or whatever it is they do there."

I told Roxy that I was disappointed in her. She said that she didn't care how I felt and that it was time for her to go, but before she hung up, I told her one last thing - "Roxy, I am sorry that you don't have any faith in me and that you don't think any of my ideas will ever come to fruition. I want you to know that I care for you and will always be available for you. Have a good day and good luck to you." After my closing statement, I waited a moment for her response. "Roxy are you still there? Hello." Turns out she had already hung up on me.

The village idiot of Las Vegas spends the night with a high end call girl.

Yesterday I received a text from Roxy. She instructed me to meet her at The Palm's around 8:30. As I am on my way I call and ask what the plan is.. She says she is staying there for a few days and gives me her room number. She then adds - "Jethro, don't tell me you are dressed like a homeless guy. Security will never let you past the elevator checkpoint. If they give you a problem have them call me." Sure enough, when I arrived at the tower she was staying in, security wouldn't let me pass. I instruct them to call her room and a few minutes later I was on my way.

If a girl like Roxy, or any other girl for that matter, invites you to their hotel room. Well, most single, heterosexual white boys would assume a good time was on the menu. But Roxy has a way of messing with me. So at this point I am not really sure about things. As I am approaching her room, I notice the door is slightly ajar. I knock gently before sticking my head through the threshold and yelling -"Roxy, it's Rob. Where are you at?" There was brief silence and then I hear her sultry tone say, "I am in the bathroom Jethro. Close the door and come in." 

It's times like these when I know there is a god. She was sitting in a full bubble bath with a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a bowl of fruit on the mantel next to the bath. As I am trying to gather myself, she says - "How's Jethro doing? Did you miss me?" The first thing I notice is her hair. Her beautiful, strawberry blond locks were tied in a bow on the top of her head. "Jethro," she says with an hint of excitement in her tone, "Some times I think I need to write instructions for you. Are you going to join me?" She then sticks her right leg out from under the sea of bubbles. I didn't need anymore prodding after that!

After a go-around or two in the bubble bath, we take things to the bedroom. I'm going to spare most of the details, but I will share one absolute - Roxy is the most sexually charged women I have ever been with. And it was different this time around. She was kind and attentive. Things weren't anywhere near as impersonal as our previous trysts. It was like having a real life girlfriend, but not really. Does that make sense?

I end up spending the night and it was blissful to say the least. Although, she did get upset with me once. Around 3:00 A.M. we decide to take a break and order room service. The concierge shows up with the food and she tells me to give him a ten dollar tip. I don't know why I opened my wallet. I knew there wasn't any money in it, but I wanted to play it off. "You know something, I forgot to put money in my wallet. I left it on my dresser at home," I say in a sheepish tone. A girl like Roxy isn't used to paying for anything. So when I told her that I forgot to bring money, she shook her head and said - "Jethro, you're so pathetic. You don't even have ten dollars to tip a guy. It is a good thing you are so adorable. I can promise you if that wasn't the case, your days of seeing this would be long gone," she then drops the chicken strip she was eating at the time, disrobes, jumps onto the bed and spreads her legs. "Chop-chop boy. I don't like waiting," she tells me as she is motioning me to her with her finger. "Yes Ma'am," was my reply. And the night got that much better.

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets a call from his friend Roxy.

"Waiting - watching the clock, it's 4 o'clock. It's got to stop. Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech as he opens the door, she rolls over...Pretends to sleep as he looks her over. She lies and says she's in love with him. Can't find a better man. She dreams in color, she dreams in red. Can't find a better man."

Pearl Jam - Better Man

"This is Rob." When the number on caller ID is blocked I generally let it go to voice mail. This time, for no apparent reason, I decided to answer it. "Jethro, is that you?" It took all of a millisecond for me to recognize the sultry voice on the other end of the line. "Roxy, how are you doing darling?" For those of you familiar with my blog, you're familiar with Roxy. She was a high end call girl friend of mine in Las Vegas and last spring she moved back to San Diego. This was the first time I had heard from her in nearly nine months.

Roxy and I had a bizarre relationship. I cared for her quite a bit and I think she cared for me. It's just - how do I say this? I am way too poor to ever think a girl like Roxy would ever want to be mine. Let's face it, being charming will only get you so far. If you want to hold on to a California beauty like her. Your pockets had better be deep, and I mean real deep. "Jethro, the reason I called - Well - I miss your worthless ass. Jeff is an asshole. He's been cheating on me with this young skank and I am sick of his bullshit. I'm thinking about moving back to Las Vegas and starting back in the game." When she told me that she missed my worthless ass, I knew she was being sincere. So I told her this, "Listen Roxy, you know that I care for you, but there's way too many things standing in the way. You remember how broke I was when you left town? Well, I am ten times worse off than that now. I will probably be on the streets again soon." Turns out she had been reading my blogs and was familiar with all my misfortunes.

"Jethro, I know that you're a fucking loser. Believe it or not, that's what I like most about you. You're just so adorable. You try so hard with your ideas and they always fail, but it doesn't matter to you. You're always looking at the glass as if it is 'half full.' Besides, I miss Las Vegas. I am coming out to visit next week and if I get the time I will give you a call and maybe we can meet up?" We play catch up a bit longer and then she tells me she must go and that we will talk again soon. After she hangs up, I start analyzing our relationship - if that's what you want to call it - my attraction to her is obvious. She looks, acts, talks and dresses like a 'California bombshell.' She's the kind of girl a lot of guys in the mid west grow up dreaming about. What's her attraction to me? I thought about this intensely for a few minutes and the only thing I could come up with. She likes to go 'slumming' every so often.