The village idiot of Las Vegas gets his ass chewed out by a call girl.

I called Roxy last night to see how things were going and before I could even say hi - she tells me this - "Jethro, I am getting sick and tired of your blog and all the bullshit you put in it. I don't like being called a whore. Do you understand what I am saying asshole?" First of all it wasn't me who called her a whore, it was uncle Ned. I was quoting him directly when I put it in my last post (I am trying to keep things as real as possible). Oh, by the way, she told me a while back the blog was stupid and she doesn't even bother reading it anymore. I reminded her of that and she says, "Jethro, you think you're so fucking smart! You want to know something? You are a needle-dick prick who doesn't have the sense God gave a dog. Why don't you put that in your blog asshole!" She then hangs the phone up before I am able to respond. I call her back.

"Jethro, you fucking asshole! I swear I am going to slap the shit out of you one of these days. How dare you call me a whore in your piece of shit blog. What gives you the right to judge me?" This is how our second conversation began. I then tell her again that it wasn't me who called her a whore. It was uncle Ned. I was merely quoting him. "Look asshole!" She yells emphatically, "You tell your uncle Ned to fuck off. If I ever see him I will slap the shit out of him right after I slap the shit out of you. Lose my number for real this time!" She then hangs up. I call her back.

"Jethro, I swear boy! I am going to beat the living hell out of you if I ever see you again!" This is how the conversation of my third call started. "You don't ever call me a whore! I will beat the shit out of you if you ever call me that again! Do you understand?" Again, I try telling her it wasn't me who called her a whore. It was uncle Ned. She calms for a moment and I tell her this - "Roxy, do you want to know something? I love you more than anything. No matter how mad you get. I love you!" After my proclamation the line goes silent for a few moments - I ask if she is still there. Her response - "Jethro, if you truly love me like you say you do. Why would you let anyone call me a whore?" She then hangs up. I immediately call back. This time the call goes directly to her voicemail.

The village idiot of Las Vegas chats with his uncle Ned about Roxy,

It had been a while since I chatted with uncle Ned, so I called him last night. The conversation immediately turned to Roxy. "It is always the same with you and these bitches in Las Vegas. You find one you like; they get to know you, they don't want anything to do with you and the cycle repeats itself. Am I not right about things?" Uncle Ned has never been a guy to soft-soap, and that's OK. I needed some brutally honest advice. But things were different this time. "Goddammit Ned! I love this girl and I think she loves me. This is the one!" Ned believes Roxy is nothing more than 'damaged goods' and I would be much better predicated by setting my sites on more virtuous women.

"This girl is a whore! She sleeps with people for money! You are a fucking idiot to fall for a women like that. What would your mother think? I bet she's rolling over in her grave right now. And to add insult to injury. She is shacked up with another guy! She's not even around you! When are you going to wake up? Jesus, it's no wonder your blog is called the village idiot. Because that is what you are." Ned's diatribe was countered by my standard rebut - "I love her and love makes you do silly things." He wasn't buying the love bug story and told me such, "You love chocolate chip ice cream, you love puppies, you love your grandmother....you don't love a whore! Trust me, those are the worst women in the world to fall for. Get your head out of your ass boy!."

Ned ranted a few minutes more and then I told him this. "I know her profession isn't very noble. But it's Las Vegas. To me it is just a business. So her being a call girl doesn't really bother me. Besides, she told me she is doing her best to get out of the business." My statement wasn't true at all. It does bother me that she is a working girl. But what am I supposed to do about it? I then added this to the conversation, "Ned, I believe Roxy and I are destined to be together. It's a higher power calling the shots on this one. Why can't you be supportive of how I feel?"

I should have left good enough alone! When I told him that it was a 'higher power' calling the shots - he really let me have it. "Oh, so now it is a higher power calling the shots with you and every one's favorite pin cushion. Do you know how dumb that sounds? Look, Jethro, I am getting tired of hearing about this broad. And so is everyone else. It sounds like you are nothing more than a punching bag for her. You are just too dumb to realize it. Now before I go, I want you to get this though that thick skull of yours. Don't believe the hooker with a heart of gold story! It's like believing in unicorns. It doesn't fucking exist! Forget about this hussy and move on!"

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets advice about women from a street philosopher.

Both of my roommates are recovering alcoholics. So whenever I want to drink a beer, out of respect for them, I leave the apartment and walk over to the corner of Harmon and Jones. I guess you could call it my unofficial hang out. There's a rock wall that provides a comfortable place to sit and  nobody seems to mind me drinking. (I am very discreet about it) - Anyways - last night I was sitting in my spot nursing a 24 ounce when a street friend of mine walked up and asked me this. "Why the long face my friend? You look like someone just ran over your dog." I look up from my beer and tell him this. "Women problems buddy, I am in love with this girl and I think she loves me too. But the forces of the universe are keeping us apart."

Delbert is my friends name. We've run into each other a few times around the neighborhood. After my admission, he says this to me - "Join the club buddy, I lost my job a few months ago and since then my old lady and I have barely spoken to each other. The only friend I got left in this world is my dog. I tell you what, why don't you give me one of those beers and we'll talk about it." The unwritten rule of the street is if you have extra you share. I had five beers, so I happily gave him one. He thanked me and asked this. "Friend, do you love this girl sincerely?" I nodded my head and told him yes. He then asked this, "Does this girl love you sincerely?" I thought about his question for a moment and said, "I think she loves me more than she knows. I believe she is scared of loving anyone too much. I can't get her off my mind and it's killing me."

Street philosopher's are a dime a dozen in Las Vegas - so generally when one of them tells me something - I'm polite about listening. But for the most part, well, it tends to go in one ear and out the other. But Delbert said a few things next that managed to stick in my craw. "You have fallen in love with a Vegas girl. Haven't you?" I nodded yes. He then asked if she was involved with another guy. I nodded my head yes again. He then says this, "My friend, you need to forget about this girl. She is not good for you. I can tell by the look in your face that she is causing you much anguish. And if you're not careful, this women will put you in your grave long before your intended time." Jeez, I was expecting more along the lines of "hang in there" or "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Not the case at all. He then adds this to our conversation. "The women of Las Vegas are femme fatales, brother. It's like playing with a loaded gun when you fall in love with one of them! Get out while your soul is still intact!"

After his statement, he promptly chugs the rest of the beer I had given him. He then asks if he can have another. I give it to him. He then says this, "You're a good man. You told me that your from Kansas a while back. Is that right?" I was impressed he remembered. Anyways, I told him he was correct. He then tells me this, "Kansas man - Las Vegas women are like an addiction. A terrible addiction. Once they get a hold of you, it's nearly impossible to escape their clutches." He then chugs the whole 24 ounce beer I had just given him without flinching. After he's through, he tells me that he has to be somewhere and requests another beer for the road. I give it to him. As he's walking away he turns back to me and says, "It was nice seeing you again Kansas man. Just remember what I told you about the women in Las Vegas being an addiction. Be careful my friend!"

The village idiot of Las Vegas apologizes to Roxy and tells her that he loves her again.

I can't get Roxy off of my mind, so I called her last night. Before I could say hi - she yells this - "Look, Jethro - I didn't appreciate the way you talked to me the other day. You hurt my feelings and I feel that you owe me an apology. I am waiting." The fight we had stemmed from her getting back with her old boyfriend. The decision to do such really bothered me - but nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about her. Her demand for an apology was not settling well with me at all, "Roxy, you were just as rude as I was. It's just that I can't stand the thought of you with that prick! I get it! You don't want to be with me. But why this guy? He's going to hurt you again!" She is as stubborn as a mule sometimes, and unfortunately for me - now was one of those times - "Jethro, you had better fucking apologize to me this instant. You are not allowed to talk to me the way you did the other day! And by God, if you ever hang the phone up on me again. I will slap the shit out of you! Do you understand?"

Wait, where's my apology? We all know that isn't going to happen. Anyways, I love her so I apologized like any love struck moron would do, then I told her this - "Why in the world are you back with this asshole? I would rather see you date a serial killer than this prick. Both of us know it is going to end badly for you." For some reason or another this guy has a hold on her that she can't or won't break. "I appreciate your concern about things," she tells me, "I truly do. I realize Jeff has his shortcomings. But this time around things are going to be different between the two of us. He promised me and I believe him." When you love someone, even if they don't love you back, you have to do your best to protect them. "Roxy, please don't do this. I know you don't love me, and I can live with that. But you don't love this guy either. I know you don't, or you wouldn't have spent time with me. I am begging you....get away from this clown before he hurts you again!"

I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the line - then she says - "Jethro, why can't you leave me alone? I knew I shouldn't have slept with you again. It has made you so clingy," she keeps referring to the night we slept together at The Palm's like it was the only time I ever had sex. My feelings go way past that, and I told her such. She then says this, "Look, the two of us had our fun. It is now time for me to go back to the real world. And Jeff is a big part of my real world. Why can't you accept that and move on? I have to go now, Jeff is going to be back anytime and he doesn't want me talking to you. So please respect our wishes."

What else am I suppose to do? She made a decision and I am forced to live with it. I told her one more thing before the conversation ended. "Roxy, please be careful. I worry about you a lot. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. And remember this, I love you." I was about ready to hang up when I hear her say - in what sounded like a choked up voice - "Jethro, I, I, I love you too. But we are not right for each other," she then hung up.

The village idiot of Las Vegas finds out that Roxy is back with her old boyfriend.

"Look, Jethro, it's really over between the two of us. I am getting back together with Jeff." What's there to say? I'm not surprised by her decision. After all, money talks, bullshit walks. But why this guy? They're plenty of other guys with money, but no, she has to go back to the one guy who beats her and cheats on her. "Roxy, why in the hell would you want to get back together with this pecker head? I know your history with him and it's not very healthy. What are you thinking?" I tried staying calm with her, but it proved too much of a task. It's the same every time with her and this asshole, he cheats or beats her. She leaves him. He apologizes - which usually translates to him buying her something or giving her money - she forgives him and the cycle eventually repeats itself.

I love Roxy and she doesn't love me, I am OK with it. But the thought of her being with this guy is too much for me to bare. "Jesus Roxy, sometimes I think you have shit for brains. It's the same old story with you and this clown. You want to know something Roxy? The hell with you, and the hell with Jeff. You two deserve each other! To think I love you. God, what a fool am I!"

I should have hung up after that, but no, I had to give her a chance to explain herself. "Jethro, no one said that Jeff was perfect. We had problems in the past and always managed to overcome them. But you, my adorable hillbilly from Kansas. Let's face it. You are a complete loser. It's Chinatown this and Chinatown that with you. Shit, your own family won't lift a finger to help you execute this big Asian thing that you are always talking about. It is sad to watch you throw away so much time and energy on something that is never going to happen. Let's face it, you're a fucking failure! And in the end, I would much rather be around a guy like Jeff than a complete nobody like yourself."

For some reason or another she always has to go back to Chinatown with me. What does Chinatown have to do with her getting back with a guy who cheats on her and beats her? I finally had it with her and told her such. "Look, just because you're too stupid to realize what I am talking about. That doesn't give you the right to be a bitch. I guarantee you one thing Einstein. Someone, and it probably won't be me. But someone is going to make their way into Chinatown and aggregate all those restaurants to an E-commerce site. If they do a good job and are able to form a coalition with all the proprietor's in Chinatown. The list of possibilities becomes tremendous. Just because you're too ignorant to understand something like that. Well, it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to me...so fuck off!" I immediately hung up after my statement. I then started thinking about something my uncle Ned told me a long time ago - "Boy, you need to stay away from the stripper/party girl types. Don't get me wrong, they are a lot of fun to be with. But I can guarantee you one thing is a certainty. It will always end badly for schmucks like you and me." - Goddammit if that fat son of a bitch wasn't right again.

The village idiot of Las Vegas chats with Mad Max about Roxy.

Today's version of the phrase Mad Max is best used as a connotation to describe chaos, disorder and anarchy. Example: "One of these days the Federal Reserve will stop with the 'dollars from heaven' policy and raise the Fed Rate. They will have to in order to stop the spiraling debt. Once that happens inflation takes off and the value of the American dollar plummets - Mad Max comes rushing in big time then."

The following is an excerpt from a conversation I had recently with a friend. I have nicknamed him Mad Max. He is an anarchist in every sense of the word.

"It sounds like this Roxy gal has you turned every which way, brother. Beware of women like that. They have a way of causing more problems than they're worth." In his pre-anarchist days, Mad Max was considered the leading Lothario in the tri-county area. Women threw themselves at him like he was a backstop. It really was the stuff of legends. So when he hands out advise about the female specie.... You better believe that I am listening! "Mad Max, I get it. Roxy is way of my league, price range, class. Whatever you want to call it. She is past me by a mile. Most guys with half a brain would forget about her and move on. But I can't. The problem is - I love her!"

After my statement about loving Roxy, he tells me this - "Now listen boy, you have got to get your shit under control with this broad. It has disaster written all over it. Can't you find another gal out in Vegas who will give you some loving?" I understand what Mad Max is saying. Roxy isn't the only fish in the sea. Las Vegas has an abundance of pretty women, but for the most part they're all in same boat with Roxy and I wanted him to realize that. "Look, Mad Max - you're right about Roxy not being the only girl in Vegas, but all the women are the same out here. 'No money, no honey,' so to speak. I don't want to go through all the bullshit again. Roxy and I have a connection, and I refuse to let it go."

We go back and forth on a few other things and then he says this. "I hate to tell you this, but from what I am gathering, and I hate to sound like a broken record. But it sounds like the Roxy and Jethro story ends badly. If you are as broke as you claim and Roxy is used to the finer things in life. How's that going to work out in the end? We all know how it will end. I guess that you can always hope that you hit the lottery. That will probably keep her interested." As snide as his remarks were. I appreciated them nonetheless. He's right about not being able to afford a girl like Roxy. I know that, she knows that, the whole fucking world knows that. The problem is simple, yet rather complex. I love her and can't get her off my mind. If I could ever get my feelings for her to pass. Man, life would be so much easier.

The village idiot of Las Vegas gets an awesome Valentine's present from Roxy.

"My chick bad, my chick hood. My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could. My chick bad, badder than yours. My chick do stuff that I can't even put in words."

Ludacris - My Chick Bad


Last night I was sitting in my room all by lonesome when my phone started beeping. I picked it up and discovered that Roxy had sent me a video file through SnapChat. I have never used SnapChat before, so it took a few minutes to figure out how it works. Once I did, how do I say this? Well, let's put it this way. It was the best Valentine's gift this white boy from Kansas could ever ask for.

At the beginning of the video, Roxy is sitting on a bed with a night gown on. As a matter of fact, it was the same gown she was wearing when we spent the night together at The Palm's. Anyways, she then says this. "Jethro, since I don't have a Valentine this year and I know you don't have one either. Plus the fact that you're so adorable, well, I thought I would give you a little Valentine's present." After her statement, she then stands up, moves the camera back a few feet, adjusts the focus and says, "Happy Valentine's Day Jethro."

It's times like these when I am sure Roxy is the girl for me. After her greeting, she promptly drops the robe she is wearing to reveal her naked body. The site of Roxy's nude and statuesque body will drive any man insane, let alone some dumb hillbilly from Kansas. She then stands there for ten seconds or so posing and smiling and then says this. "Jethro, I hope you enjoyed the present. I have to go now." She blows a kiss into the camera and the video ends.

After I pushed my eyes back into my head I promptly look back down at my phone with every intention of viewing the video again. Turns out I was only able to view the file once before SnapChat automatically deletes it from the browser. Anyways, I decided to send Roxy a text and thank her for the present. About an hour later I get a text back saying, "You're welcome. Have a great Valentine's Day."