prelude to a three way...

Life comes full circle when you find yourself in a Zoom chat with your twenty seven year old, pansexual, polyamorous therapist & her same aged fiancee. In box #2 is your thrice married fifty two year old lifelong friend whose only thought is turning the clock back twenty years. The topic of discussion is a burgeoning polyamorous relationship between the three. My role is to facilitate:

"Roy, this is my therapist Lacey & her fiancee Kara," he's two minutes fashionably late. "Lacey & Kara this is Roy."

The two affix their eyes upon him through the monitor. He reciprocates.

I've been instructed to make the introductions & keep quiet:

"Before we get started Mr. Cumpton. I have to clarify something,"

Lacey starts the session with a question.

"Go right ahead," is his response with a toothy grin.

"Would you like us to refer to you as Roy; or Mr. Cumpton; or Legend?"

"Legend doll face. That's what everyone calls me nowadays."

"Okay Legend," in a sultry tone, "Just so we can get it out of the way. Stand up from the monitor & take a few steps back. We'd like to see the full view."

He pops up & steps backward. The angle provides a full body shot.

"Spin around for us if you would please," Kara requests.

The black workout shorts he's donning accentuate years of compound movements in the gym. They're impressed by his hard work.

"My oh my," Lacey quips, "Mr. Astle was not kidding when he said women admired your backside."

"Very nice," Kara adds to the mix.

"'Thank you for the compliment my muses," with a toothier smile than before, "Good for the goose; good for the gander."

They're confused by the quip. 

"It's your turn now," twirling his finger.

"Oh, of course," Lacey replies.

They stand up in unison & move into camera angle. Lacey is wearing a pair of Daisy Duke shorts with a white t-shirt reading Poly much? Kara is outfitted in a knee high skirt with a white blouse. It's a welcome sight indeed.

"Okay ladies, turn around for me. Let's see what your mother gave you."

They turn in unison & glare over their shoulders at him. 

"Whoops," Lacey bellows as she lifts Kara's skirt in a playful manner. The action reveals a peach shaped rear end covered by a pink thong.

"Lacey," giggling as she pushes her gently, "If I knew you were going to do that I would have worn appropriate panties. Do you like what you're seeing Mr. Cumpton?"

"It's a given. It goes without saying," his quirky response brings laughter.

"Now that we have it out of the way," Lacey adds as they retake their seats, "What is your idea of a good time? Let's say we were to meet up for a weekend & explore things further. How would you handle us?"

"What would you do to us?" Kara adds boldly.

This is the part I've been anticipating. Does he still have it?

"First of all, I'm going to book the finest suite in town, wherever that may be. Then it is pool & spa time. After that we'll head over to Victoria's Secret for a shopping spree. Are you goddesses a fan of the place?"

"You better believe it. I have a frequent shoppers card," Lacey's rapid response.

"The thong I'm wearing is from Victoria's," coos Kara.

The smile on his face grows ever wider.

"After the shopping spree it's back to the suite & the finest bottle of champagne while my muses model the lingerie for me."

"I like your style Legend."

"Me too."

They're hooked.

"Hold on lovelies; there's much more. After a bottle or two of champagne it is bubble bath time. I'm going to caress your bodies with the finest soaps & lotions while you do the same to me."

Fifty two years of age & smoother than ever.

"Once everyone is comfortable it will be time for us to become one."

"Do you have any certain preferences in the bed room Mr. Cumpton? I mean Legend," Kara confessing to her intimate thoughts.

"I'm a big fan of Kama Sutra beautiful. We'll take our time. Absorb the moment. Are you a fan of Kama Sutra?" 

"Vaguely, I'd be willing to learn though."

"I'd be willing to learn as well Mr. Cumpton, I mean Legend," the other half chimes.

"It's a beautiful thing my muses. I am eager to teach."

They share a few more details & Lacey states.

"Mr. Astle told me your successes in life began after you caught the winning touchdown pass in the state title game. Moments of that nature indicate Alpha behavior."

"Not to brag gorgeous, I also recovered a fumble & had nine tackles."

I lather his ego further.

"Legend, tell them about the time you sank a forty footer in the league title game to force overtime. The Bulldogs ended up winning."

"Mr. Astle, I forgot you were there. He did what?"

"He sank a forty footer at the end of regulation to send the game into overtime. Remember Roy?"

He plays it off.

"I forgot about that. I've been blessed to have some good fortune in tight spots."

"Mr. Astle indicated you were an Alpha. I'm always skeptical because  guys pretend a lot," glancing Kara's way & adding, "Honey, we found the Alpha we've been desiring," her bedroom eyes illuminating evermore.

"We sure have," bedroom stares from Kara as well.

Discussion of the arrangement intensifies. I am dropped from the room. 

the Troy Aikman lookalike...

My therapist is a twenty seven year old polyamorous, pansexual female by the name of Lacey. Initially, our sessions revolved around me discussing murderous feelings. Eventually, those feelings subsided & the sex chatter began. At first I am unfamiliar with the terms pansexual & polyamorous. She explains them in detail. Lacey is engaged to another twenty seven year old pansexual by the name of Kara. Their plan is to explore a polyamorous relationship with an older man:

"What does he look like? Kara wanted to know."

"Back in the day everyone said he looked like Troy Aikman."

"Who?"

"Jesus Lacey, it's a good thing you three won't be talking football when the deal goes down."

"Hold on Rob. I'm going to Google him. What's his name again?"

"Troy Aikman, he's the former quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. He's an announcer nowadays."

Through the screen I watch her fumble through a Google search on a separate device:

"Whew...hot daddy! I've seen him before. Are you telling me Legend resembles him?"

"That's what everyone says. He's aged a little since then. Rest assured, he's a handsome, well heeled man. The two of you desire an Alpha male. Am I hearing you correctly?"

"Sometimes I feel as if I'm the patient & you're the therapist."

"It's called listening & learning. Our sessions have renewed those traits."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then the conversation turns to Legend once again:

"Tell me more about him before our meeting."

A Zoom meeting is scheduled this weekend for the three of them to discuss a possible menage a trois. 

"He could handle himself in a scuffle"

"What do you mean?"

"Back in the day his fights never lasted more than ten seconds."

"Was he a professional fighter?

"No, all that stuff became popular after his prime. He could have been one though."

The macho man talk is resonating judging by the lustful tone in her voice:

"He really is an Alpha male. Again, that's are biggest requirement. We want a man who takes charge in both the bedroom & life. This weekend will be an interesting chat. Are you sure he's going to be there? I don't want you to disappoint me again Rob."

"He'll be there Lacey. Don't you & Kara worry about it. That's all he's been thinking about for the last week."

I'm not sure what my role is after introductions. I ask her to clarify.

"Sit there in your little box & keep your mouth shut. If they're any questions I'll address you."

Mr. three way...

"When they weren't calling him Legend his other nickname was Mr. three way."

"You made that up. They didn't call him that."

Lacey finds Legend intriguing & vice versa. I'm doing my best to play matchmaker:

"When is the last time he was in a three way Rob?"

I'd recommend pansexual, polyamorous, female Zoom shrinks to all my friends. They ask risque questions:

"It's been a while is my best guess. Back in the day you could set your watch to it. He's been married off & on for the last twenty years. His wive's weren't into that kind of thing. That's what he told me any way. Now he is free & easy. You have grabbed his attention."

"He has grabbed ours as well."

"Ours? Did you chat with the fiancee about him?"

"I did," adding, "She finds the idea of an older man in a polyamorous relationship intriguing as well."

"How come you don't find me appealing? You haven't even seen Legend yet & he's got you all hot & bothered. What about me?"

The winning touchdown catch in the state title game hooked her:

"We've already discussed this Mr. Astle. The loathsome loser type is not for us. Legend, on the other hand, is an Alpha male. Those are the kind of men we find attractive."

"How old is your fiancee Lacey?"

"She is the same age as me."

The thought of him pancaked with a couple of twenty seven year old broads slathering him like syrup & hot butter lights a jealous fuse in me.

"Legend is fifty two years old. What's the oldest guy you have ever been with Lacey?"

"Thirty one," adding, "He was the last guy in our relationship. It didn't work out because of his immaturity."

"Think about it this way. Take the fiancee's age & your age & add it together. You would have his age. Actually, you would be two years older than him. You catch what I'm saying."

The jealous side of me is doing its best to dissuade her. She's not having it. 

"It's his experience that turns us on. How many women do you think he's been with?"

"Scores & scores," adding with all seriousness, "He was pulling three ways & reverse cowgirls before you were even a thought."

"Reverse cowgirl," she purrs, "That's my favorite position of all time. The more you tell me about him the more attractive he sounds."

"I talked with him about joining us for a therapy session. He said he'd do whatever it took. You've got him spellbound."

"Good," with a smile on her face, "See if he can join us for our weekend session Rob. I'm going to have the fiancee with me so she can get a meet him as well. If we like what were seeing we'll go from there. One more question about him. What kind of stamina does he possess?"

"I asked him the same question & he told me Viagra & a grip of coke & whiskey will keep him at optimal performance during the tryst. He also said you & the fiancee should prepare yourself for unrelenting pleasure."

stripper sandwiches...

A twenty minute Zoom session with my favorite pansexual shrink over the weekend focuses on my friend Legend:

"Legend has been reading about our sessions Lacey. He finds you intriguing."

"Why is that Mr. Astle."

"It's your sexuality. It's appealing to him."

"My sexuality is appealing to many men Mr. Astle. Why should I care what Legend thinks?"

"He's confused about the difference between pansexual & bisexual. He says all the pansexual talk in the blog reminds him of a stripper girlfriend from the nineties."

"This is the guy who caught the winning pass in the state title game when you were in high school."

"Yes Ma'am, that's Legend."

"Why do I remind this pervert of his stripper girlfriend from the nineties?"

"He said his girlfriend would fuck him silly & afterwards she would call over another girl & he would have a stripper sandwich."

"What's a stripper sandwich?"

"A three way Lacey,"

"Oh, I see, go on with the story."

"His girlfriend back then is a bisexual, but in today's world she would be labeled pansexual is what he thinks. The point is you remind him of her. He's fresh out of his third marriage & looking to turn the clock back twenty years. It's younger women he desires. You & the fiancee might be a good fit is his underlying thought."

Stripper girlfriends & his thirst for three ways arouses her:

"Tell me a naughty one about him Rob. He sounds like an Alpha...unlike you.

"A naughty one, hmmm...okay Lacey, I got a naughty one for you. Legend was known for his cunnilingus skills. One night we are standing at the bar & a certain lady approaches him. Women approached him all the time, so it wasn't anything new. I hadn't seen this one before & she is smoking hot. Any way, they toss back a few drinks & this babe looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Stacey told me you know how to eat pussy. Is that true?"

"Oh my goodness, she actually said that to him," interrupting before I finish the story, "What did he do?"

"I won't ever forget this Lacey. He looked her straight in the eyes & said, 'You are about to find out for yourself bitch."

We chat about a few mandates & then she suggests:

"You should invite Legend to one of our therapy sessions. He sounds interesting. I'd like to meet him. Tell him more about what it is to be pansexual & polyamorous."

"Legends my age. Don't forget that."

"Doesn't matter the age Mr. Astle. A polyamorous pansexual wants what it wants."

"Okay, I'll ask him. It's going to be weird having him Zoom in on my therapy sessions. Is there any way I could pass on the information to him & he could contact you independent of our sessions? I'd feel like a third wheel."

"Nope," is her stern reply, "I want you to introduce me to this man. Set it up & get back to me."

bounce a quarter...

Five o'clock rolls around & it's time for another session with my favorite pansexual Zoom shrink:

"Do you want to know what Legend said about women?"

"Is this the guy you were talking about the other day?"

"Yes Ma'am, that's him."

"What did he say?"

"He said women were good at two things...changing a flat tire is not one of them."

"You're friend Legend sounds like a chauvinist."

"Lacey," laughing at her remark, "Last time I saw him he looked more like the guy who ate Legend."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about a friend," with a mean girl glare through the monitor.

"It's true though," adding, "Let me tell you how he got the nickname in the first place."

"Is it vulgar? I don't want to hear it if it's vulgar."

"The origin is clean. You'll enjoy this one."

"Okay," looking at her watch, "Make it snappy."

"He caught a hail Mary touchdown pass with no time on the clock in the state title game. The snag gave the Bulldogs a two point victory & a state title in football...it's first."

"Oh really," is her reply in a curious tone.

"He out jumped two defenders in the back of the end zone. Afterwards, everyone referred to him as Legend."

"It's a catchy nickname. What's his real name?"

"Roy Cumpton," is my immediate reply.

"What's he do nowadays?"

"He just got through with his third marriage. He's in cattle, agriculture & construction."

"Is he a farmer?"

"More of a hobby farmer."

"What's a hobby farmer?"

"It's what you call a guy who makes his money elsewhere & then decides to buy a couple of acres & grow crops. It's a common phrase in the mid west."

We chat about mandates & then she asks about a women I wish to have sex with:

"There's a new one."

"What happened to the lady at the gym?"

"Haven't seen the one you're talking about in a while...I'm over her. There's another one at the gym I'd like to see naked though."

"Don't start with the raunchiness Mr. Astle," rolling her eyes in disgust.

"Sorry Lacey," with all honesty, "I can't help it."

Mistaking Lacey for one of the guys is something I must improve upon:

"What's so great about this one?"

"Whenever I see a women killing it on the squat rack I get turned on. Her rear end resembles two canned hams. You could bounce a quarter off this ladies ass for sure."

"Why don't you tell her that & see what she says."

"Tell her what Lacey?"

"Tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass."

"I'm complimenting her when I say that."

"Okay, if it's such a compliment than tell her...I'm being serious, just tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass & see what she says."

"In all honesty I'd like to bounce something else off her ass instead."

"Vulgarity is going to be your undoing Mr. Astle."

"Okay, Jesus Lacey, it's just a joke. Lighten up for Christ Sake's."

"Again, everything is a joke with you. I think I'll tell the court we have a comedian on our hands. See how funny they think you are."

 

I'm offended...

Four o'clock rolls around & it's time for another Zoom session with my favorite twenty seven year old pansexual shrink:

"How was your weekend Mr. Astle?" She got some sun over the weekend judging by the redness of her face.

"It was terrible Lacey. I threatened to kill a couple of motherfuckers!"

"What?"

"Relax," with a laugh, "I'm joking."

"You think everything is funny. That's something I'm putting in your file. It's odd you find your situation humorous."

"Goddammit, please stop calling me Mr. Astle. I've told you a hundred times to call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

It's either laughter or wanting to kill someone. I tell her such:

"Mr. Astle," using my surname once again, "Where do you see yourself in six months? a year? two years?"

"Two years max I'll be dead Lacey."

"Why do you think you'll be dead in two years?"

"My mother croaked at fifty two. I'm fifty one. Everyone tells me I have her genes. Do you want to hear something interesting?"

"Let's hear it."

"I recently made arrangements on how to dispose of my remains."

"What are you talking about?"

"Once I kick over I'm going to get cremated."

"I see now," is her quick reply, "Where are you going to have your ashes spread?"

"The Chinatown district of Las Vegas. My buddy James has a map of exactly where to spread them."

"Chinatown meant a lot to you Mr. Astle. It's obvious when you tell me it's where your ashes are going to be spread."

"It sure did Lacey," adding with angst, "It's going to be the last thing on my mind before I go."

We talk about some mandates & then she inquires about a women at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"Did you see her over the weekend?"

"I did, she was doing Bulgarian split squats."

"What are those?"

"It's using one leg to squat while your other leg is balanced on a platform. It's similar to doing a lunge."

"Sounds like hard work."

"It is Lacey; extremely hard; she had some weight in her hand as well. You could bounce a quarter off her backside."

"You are starting to act vulgar again Mr. Astle. Do you remember what we talked about in our last session?"

"Sorry Lacey," while rolling my eyes, "It's the truth though."

"Keep those thoughts to yourself when we are in session."

It use to be you would compliment a women on her figure & they would smile & thank you. It ratified their efforts in the gym. There was also a time when you could whistle at women & they would smile & wave back as you drove by. Not anymore. I learned that lesson around 2015 or so:

"Do you want to hear a funny story Lacey? It'll be an example of what is acceptable nowadays & what use to work back in my day."

"Is it vulgar? Because if it is I don't want to hear it."

"It's clean. You'll like it."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"I was driving around Garden of the Gods."

"Garden of the what?"

"Garden of the Gods. It's a famous rock formation in Colorado Springs. A popular place with tourists & locals alike. You should go there one of these days with your fiancee."

"Maybe I will. Go on with the story."

"Driving by one of the entrances to a hiking trail & I notice two attractive women leaving. Instinctively, I whistled & waved. They shot a dirty look at me & one of them raised their middle finger. It left me flabbergasted."

"Why would you be flabbergasted when you are harassing them?"

"In my younger days it wasn't uncommon for me; or my buddies; to whistle, wave & smile at attractive women as we drove by. Back then, believe it or not, most would smile & wave back to you. Everyone viewed it as harmless. Not so much nowadays. Why is that Lacey?"

"It's offending to women when you objectify them. That's what your actions did."

"It was meant to be a compliment for Christ Sake's. Them not waving back is not what bothered me. It's when one of them shot the middle finger in my direction," stopping to gather my thoughts, "It offended me. See, a guy like me can be offended as well."

"Why would you be offended when you are the perpetrator?"

"Perpetrator, Jesus, all I did was whistle & wave. You make it sound like I got out of the car & started chasing them. It's bullshit how everyone is offended nowadays. It wasn't a slight. It is meant to be a compliment!"

"Now you know better Mr. Astle," in a sarcastic tone, "Remember, the nineties are over."

"Yeah, I'll remember it Lacey. What a fucking joke."

"There you go again," evermore sarcasm in her voice, "Everything is a joke to you."

"Like I said earlier Lacey. It's either a joke or wanting to kill someone."

a direct approach...

"Mr. Astle, I have another exercise for you."

I tell you...pansexual Zoom shrinks & their psycho babble:

"Tell me in three sentences what your prevailing attitude in life is right now. Keep it brief." 

"Hmm," as I scratch my chin & stare back at the monitor, "Do you want to know what my attitude is at this very moment? Is that what you're asking Lacey?"

"That's exactly what I'm asking Mr. Astle."

"Three sentences," murmuring as I gather my thoughts, "I don't give a shit if the world burns down. As a matter of fact I'm anticipating it. The only thing I will do when it happens is try to light a cigarette from the ashes."

"Mr. Astle, your answer is disturbing. Are you a disturbed person?"

"Lacey, for the hundredth time...please call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

"Mr. Astle," repeating firmly, "Are you a disturbed?"

"If you don't like the answer. Why ask the question?"

"Let us not forget how are relationship was forged. Would you like me to relay your answer to the judge?"

"No," is my answer in a cowardly tone.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question. This time pretend it's the judge asking. Do you understand?"

"I do," in a more cowardly tone than before.

"Again, in three sentences, describe to me your attitude at this very moment."

"Everything is rosy & perfect. It's boundless opportunities for a guy like me. It's like watching my favorite musical."

"See, that wasn't so hard. I'll relay your sentiments to the court."

The last few sessions have been terse. I offer to lighten the mood with a joke:

"I don't want to hear anymore of your raunchy jokes. Quite frankly, I find your humor offensive."

"It's going to be a clean joke."

"Okay, it better be! Let's hear it."

"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?"

"I don't know."

"In case he got a hole in one."

"That's a good one. much better than the filth you've been sharing in our previous sessions."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then she asks about a lady at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"It's hard for me to describe it without being graphic. When you have sexual thoughts about someone there always graphic. I don't want to offend you."

"Leave out the part about how you want to fuck her silly. Those were your words last time we talked," adding, "Remember Mr. Astle, women are more than just pieces of meat."

"Look," pausing to gather my thoughts, "It's just a lady I want to have sex with. We're not going to take long walks in the park; or dance in the rain. I just want to have sex with her. You know, get it out of my system."

"There you go again with the locker room talk. You'll never have a chance with an attitude like that."

Her statement reminds me of a tryst years ago involving a lonely lady & a lonely guy at a hotel bar in downtown Albuquerque. He offered to buy her a drink & she accepted. As the night progressed the drinks flowed & inhibitions dissipated.

"Look, I'm probably never going to see you again after tonight. Why don't we go back to my room & fuck like a couple of wild rabbits?"

The lonely guy is intoxicated & figures directness is his best chance.

"I like that idea," is the response from the lonely lady.

They spend the remainder of the night engaged in every sexual position one could imagine. It is a magical night for both. The lonely lady has a flight to catch in the morning & tells the lonely guy: 

"Thank you for the company. I needed it!" 

The lonely guy reciprocates the sentiment.

I share the story with Lacey & her remark is:

"That's your strategy. You are just going to walk up to her and ask her if she wants to fuck."

"Look, Lacey," realizing she doesn't get it, "The moral of the story is why beat around the bush when most of the time they have the same thing in mind that you do. It's a direct approach."

"It sounds idiotic," is her immediate reply.

"I didn't say it was always effective. It's direct...I'll tell you something right now the approach works a lot more than people give it credit for."

Have you ever seen a bull stampede?

A twenty minute session with my Zoom shrink Lacey occurs earlier in the day:

"Lot's of progress has been made since our first session Rob. Do you feel the same way?"

"I do Lacey. We've been good for each other."

"Okay, let's not regress. Tell me this for sure. Are thoughts of murdering a motherfucker; as you so eloquently state. Are those thoughts still with you?"

"How am I suppose to answer Lacey? Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear...?"

"Remember Rob," interrupting before I can finish, "You tell me & I tell the judge. I'm going to ask you once again. Do you still have thoughts of murdering a motherfucker?"

In a just world the angst of my aggression would get run over by a bus; or electrocuted to death; or maybe the roof would collapse on them; turnabout is fair play in my eyes!

"When does the judge have to know for sure Lacey?"

"Soon," is her immediate reply.

"Okay, I'll have an answer for you soon. I need to think about things for a while longer."

"What's there to think about Rob? You either want to murder a motherfucker; or not."

"Like I said, I'll get back to you soon Lacey. Let's talk about something else."

We chat about a few mandates & then she asks:

"Who is the lady you talked about in our last session? The one you want to have sex with."

"I can't say because it's something that will get me in trouble."

"I'm your therapist Rob. You are suppose to confine things like that to me. I already know who it is. May I have one guess?"

"Sure," is my immediate reply.

"It's your crush. Come on Rob! That's an easy one to guess."

"That's a good guess Lacey; but I already gave up on her. It's a new lady I met at the gym."

"What's her name Rob?"

"Lucinda, she really knows how to get a guy worked up. That's for sure."

"Tell me more about this goddess."

"Whenever I see her at the club she is going full tilt. Her body looks like it's carved of granite. Her smile is the thing that gets me most. It lights up the room like the Fourth of July. I can't get my mind off of her."

"Sounds like a hot mama for sure Rob. Don't sell yourself short. Anything can happen. Maybe she'll feel like slumming & you'll be the guy," a plausible scenario according to my shrink.

"Sounds good to me Lacey. If she wants to hang around a poor guy than I'm her man. I guarantee, given the opportunity, I'll fuck her silly. She'll think she's bedded fifty guys in a row after I'm done with her. Have you ever seen a bull stampede Lacey?"

"No, can't say I have."

"Believe me sweetheart. You'll know it when you feel it."

"Do you know what couth means Rob?"

"What kind of question is that Lacey? Of course I know what it means."

"Why don't you try using it than. Every time you make vulgar statements about women you wish to sleep with it shines badly on you."

"Jesus Lacey, I thought a therapist is who you were suppose to share your thoughts with. I don't get it."

"I'm your therapist. Don't talk to me like you're describing a Penthouse fantasy. Do you understand?"

I still don't get it; she's the one who asked about it to begin with. I remind her of such:

"Look, when I ask you about a potential mate leave all the raunchiness out of the description. I'm not some drunken bloke leaning against a bar stool listening to garbage talk. If you continue to talk like that you'll have no chance with her."

Remembering my therapist is a twenty seven year old pansexual female & apologizing:

"I'm sorry about the vulgar talk Lacey. This lady turns my crank & I'd like to see what she looks like naked..."

"Mr. Astle," interrupting before I can finish my thought, "Our time is up. How does Friday at three for our next session look?"

"Looks good to me Lacey...can't hardly wait."

friends with no benefits...

Today's Zoom session with my therapist focuses on sex:

"Do you find me attractive Lacey?"

"In what way Rob?"

"The have sex with me kind of way."

"Those sort of feelings are not allowed in a client/patient relationship. You know that."

"Okay Lacey, let's pretend you're not my therapist for a minute. Say we just met & have no previous connections. Would the thought of having sex with me be something you'd entertain?"

"That is an inappropriate question Rob. Answering it is something I refuse to do."

"Does that mean yes?"

"No, it means I'm not going to answer the question. Why do you ask to begin with?"

"There's a certain lady I've been wanting to bed for a while. I have hinted at it several times to no avail; I'm wondering if women still find me attractive. I know I'm poor; but I'm not asking to get married...just a roll in the sack is all. She has zero interest in the notion."

"There's other fish in the sea. Why this lady if she's not interested?"

"You know how you get a thought in your head & you can't get it out? That's me with this broad. My life will be incomplete if I don't get to sleep with her."

"If she's not interested than there's not much you can do about it Rob. They'll be another one for you soon."

We talk about some mandates & then I ask if she wants to hear a joke:

"Sure, try to keep it clean please."

"Lacey, when you think about all the sexual orientations nowadays it confuses most of us. You've got pansexual, omnisexual, transexual, demisexual & so on. I recently discovered yet another orientation. Have you ever heard of Chiefsexual?"

"Chiefsexual Rob, no, I can't say I have. What is it?"

"It's the constant fantasy of being in a never ending three way with Andy Reid & Patrick Mahomes."

"Who are they?"

"The head coach of Kansas City & their starting quarterback."

Lacey & I have nothing in common accept a mandate: 

"Are you telling me you have homosexual feelings toward them?"

"No, Jesus Lacey, it's a joke. Chiefsexual...you know, the Kansas City Chiefs. My favorite team."

"Again, Mr. Astle, I don't find your humor funny. Get some less offensive material."

"If you were a Chief's fan you'd get a laugh out of it."

"Well, I'm not," is her stern answer, "Is that what you want me to put in your file? Tell the judge you are Chiefsexual."

"No," is my answer in a sheepish tone.

"Okay," her voice calming, "We have a few more minutes left in our session. Tell me more about the lady you wish to have sex with."

"She's a real women. There's a sexual energy between us that is undeniable. Sealing our friendship with a romantic tryst is the next obvious step."

"You're looking for a friends with benefits kind of relationship," the therapist says with a coy smile.

"We're already friends so we can skip that part & go right to the benefits," adding, "It would be so much fun; our naked bodies entwined in passionate sex...feasting on chocolate; strawberries & champagne after the rendezvous...a definite September to remember."

random talk from therapy...

Six o'clock rolls around & it's Zoom time again with my favorite pansexual therapist. The session begins with love & marriage talk:

"When was the last time you were really in love Rob?"

When Lacey was first assigned to me I was skeptical. Nowadays, I eagerly anticipate our sessions.

"A couple of years ago a girl from Las Vegas stole my heart. I wanted more than anything to be with her. Turns out, I wasn't good enough."

"Why weren't you good enough for her Rob?"

"She's use to the finer things in life. There's no way a schmuck like me could ever provide it; in the end she wanted way more than I'll ever have."

"Life isn't all money & fancy things Rob. My fiancee & I love each other for who we are. The money part isn't a big deal to us."

Her statement reminds me of something Roy (Legend) said to me after his second marriage. I decide to share it with her:

"Do you want to know what my friend Legend said about marriage?"

"Your friend who?"

"Legend, he's a guy I grew up with."

"Why do they call him Legend?"

"His feats back in the day are the stuff of legend."

"What did he do that made him Legend?"

"Look, I'll tell you about that in another session. The point is he said something to me a long time ago that I agree with wholeheartedly."

"What did he say Rob?"

"He said the first time you get married is for love; anytime thereafter is for money. Those are his exact words."

She scoffs at the suggestion:

"Your friend Legend sounds like a tool."

"He is Lacey," with a hearty laugh.

"Why would you listen to him?"

"He puts it how it is & people respect him for it."

"I don't agree with his assessment at all," her tone forceful, "I'm the product of my mothers third marriage. My mother & father have been married for over thirty years & love each other dearly. Neither one of them ever had much money. So you tell your friend Legend he has no idea what he is talking about."

"Okay, okay, Jesus Lacey, don't shoot the messenger. He's the one who said it, not me."

"I'm not mad at you Rob. You just tell this guy he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about."

"Okay sweetheart, next time I talk with the dip shit I'll tell him.

We chat about some mandated stuff & then I ask if she wants to hear a joke:

"As long as it is a clean one."

It isn't...she's a big girl though.

"My uncle Joe is bisexual."

"Did you say you're uncle Joe is bisexual?"

"That's exactly what I said Lacey. Any time he wants sex he has to buy it," laughing at the punch line, "Isn't that funny. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book."

"I don't get it. He is or is not bisexual," is her question with a blank look.

"It's a joke for Christ sake's. He has to buy it from a hooker. He spends his money for sex is what I'm trying to say."

One of my favorite jokes of all time doesn't even solicit a smirk:

"You should consider updating your material. It's not very funny in my opinion. Your humor is offensive to my generation."

"Okay, okay, shit, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just a joke. Why don't you tell me one of your jokes & let me be the judge of how humorous it is. Maybe I won't think it's funny & decide to make a big stink out of things."

"You want to hear a really good joke Rob?"

"Tell me one Lacey. Come on! Make me laugh."

"Okay, I got one for you Rob...I heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was pansexual. He just doesn't see gender."

The corniness of it brings a smile to my face. It also reminds me of another Stevie Wonder joke:

"Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders' wife Lacey?"

"No," is her immediate reply.

"Neither has he," is the punch line.

"Neither has he," she says with a smile "That's a good one Rob. It's far more appropriate than your bisexual uncle Joe stuff."

Lacey finds it intriguing my BFF is the eighty seven year old mother of my crush:

"We have a few more minutes left in our session Rob. Tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"Kendra has been gone for a couple days & I already miss the heck out of her. I saw mama today & she told me everything ended up good on her tests."

"What test did mama have Rob?"

"It wasn't mama who had the tests. It's Kendra. She had a medical procedure a while back & it took time for the results to come back. She talked a bit about it when visiting LasSolana. It had everyone nervous. Mama said everything is okay with her & not to worry."

'You really enjoy the two of them. I can tell by the way you light up when describing them. It's sweet how you refer to them as angels."

"That's what they are Lacey. I can't think of a better way to describe it."

"Our time has come to an end Rob. How does Wednesday at seven sound for our next session?"

"I'll be there with bells on Lacey," is my eager reply.

murder fantasies with my pansexual therapist...

"It's just fantasy Lacey. I'm not really going to murder a motherfucker. It's all in my head."

"Look, Mr. Astle, every time you discuss your fantasy it's cute for a minute. You actually make murder sound humorous with your satire. Then I see the rage in your face & it concerns me. I don't want to hear anymore about how you fantasize killing some motherfuckers; as you so eloquently put it. Let's talk about something else."

My twenty seven year old, lesbian, Zoom shrink Lacey is growing wearisome of murderous fantasies:

"May I ask you a question Lacey? It's something I've been wondering about ever since you told me you were marrying another women."

"You may ask one question Mr. Astle," is her steadfast reply.

"Have you ever been with a man? Please call me Rob as well. I already told you calling me Mr. Astle makes me feel old."

"Generally Rob, I do not answer those kind of questions. Especially when it comes from a client. But since we are friends first I'll answer it just for you. Yes, I have been with several men & several women. I'm pansexual."

I have no idea what pansexual is...I ask her to define:

"I'm not limited in sexual choice with regards to biological sex, gender or gender identity."

"It sounds like bisexual with a fancy name to confuse people," is my honest response.

"It's not," she states firmly, "It's similar in a way; but more defined."

"I still don't get it. May I ask you another question Lacey?"

"No, you may not Rob. We've discussed murdering people & my sexuality long enough. There's still a couple minutes left in our session. Tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"Before I do I've got to tell you what a fan of the blog said to me the other day."

"What did they say Rob?"

"They said murdering a motherfucker (all three posts) is my best material yet. It has an edginess to it. That's how they explained it. They also requested I talk more about you in the blog. Are you cool with it?"

"What else do people want to know? I'm a Pisces; I'm engaged to another women; I'll sleep with a guy every now and then just to get it out of my system. The fiancee & I have discussed a polyamorous relationship."

I have no idea what polyamorous means. I ask for a definition:

"It means you can have multiple relationships with the consent of everyone involved."

"So you would have some side action as long as everyone is cool with it. No secrets; no lying; no sneaking around. All the parties involved are knowing & willing participants. I'd be down for something like that Lacey. Would you & the fiancee be interested in a relationship like that with a guy like me?"

"Absolutely not," is her immediate reply.

"Jesus, you didn't have to be that abrupt about it? What kind of guys are twenty seven year old female pansexuals attracted to nowadays?"

"The opposite of you Rob. We're out of time. I have you marked again for Monday at six. Does that work for you?"

"Look forward to it Lacey," is my eager response.

Martin & Lewis...

Today I had another session with my twenty seven year old, lesbian, Zoom shrink Lacey:

"I'm not hear to listen to your political leanings. Let's hear more about your crush & her mother. It's something positive."

"It's just that Biden sucks ass. I can't believe..."

"What did I just say Rob? Your political leanings are not what I am hear to talk about. Is that what you want me to put in your file?"

"No," in a sheepish tone.

"Okay than, now tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"I gave Kendra a ride to the airport today. It was time for her to go home. She'll be back for a week towards the middle of October."

"It sounds like you had a lot of fun while she was here."

"No doubt about it Lacey. It was an eventful week."

"How is her mother doing?"

Lacey finds it intriguing the eighty seven year old mother of my crush doubles as my BFF. I share a story with her:

"Mama told me a funny story today about a pair of Guess overalls she bought for Kendra when she was in high school...her baby could not go without them."

"Guess overalls?"

The look was popular in the late eighties/early nineties. It's before Lacey's time:

"It was a thing back in the eighties. You'd where a pair of designer overalls with one of the straps undone. It made you look cool."

The look is not registering with her.

"Was she a farmer?"

"No, these aren't farm overalls I'm talking about. It's before your time. Let's talk about something else."

"What did you do for Labor Day Rob?"

"Kendra prepared a barbecue feast for me & a number of other residents at LaSolana. It was delicious. She fixed brats & dogs with all the fixings. We had watermelon for desert."

"Did her mother come to the barbecue?

"She was there for a while."

"How is she doing?"

"Her regular chirpy self," adding with a laugh, "She told me another funny story? It's hilarious."

"Let's hear it," Lacey replies with enthusiasm.

"The other night she was digging around in the refrigerator looking for something to snack on before bed & Kendra asked, 'What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for something to eat & mind your own business," is her reply.

Kendra states, "Mom, look at your belly' & pokes her in the stomach. 'How are you going to get rid of it when you are snacking before bedtime?" 

"My version is not doing the story justice Lacey. It's funny as hell the way mama explains it. Well, after finishing the story she pokes me in the stomach & says, 'You look like you've been snacking before bedtime too."

"She said that to you...oh, how funny."

"Her humor is a big reason why she's my BFF nowadays."

We chat about some mandated stuff & I ask:

"When did you first realize you were a lesbian?"

"That's not stuff you get to ask me Rob," in a harsh tone, "I'm the one who gets to ask the questions."

"Okay, geez, relax. You get to ask all these questions & I don't get to ask any. It doesn't seem fair to me."

"I'll decide what's fair Rob. Do you understand?"

"Yes," is my sheepish reply.

"I have another exercise for you."

"What is it?"

"Describe your crush & her mother in two words...just two words."

"Martin & Lewis," is my immediate reply.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know...Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis. I say that because every time I'm around them all I do is laugh & have a good time."

"Never heard of of them," adding, "Are they some kind of cartoon characters from the seventies?"

"No Lacey! Jesus, drop the psychology book for a minute & watch some old videos about the Rat Pack."

"The what pack?"

"Never mind, the answer to your question is Martin & Lewis."

angel talk with my therapist...

"Let's get off the murder kick & talk about something more uplifting. How is your love life Mr. Astle?"

"Call me Rob please. Calling me Mr. Astle makes me feel old."

"Sure Rob, I'll do it. Tell me about your love life."

I'd guess Lacey (my Zoom shrink) is thirty...thirty one maybe. It's hard deciphering staring at a screen. One thing is for sure. She is considerably younger than me.

"Not much to report on in that category Lacey."

"Are there any prospects?"

"There's one; she's way out of my league though. It's all wishful thinking on my part."

"What do you like about her Rob? Where did you meet her?"

"She's from the mid west & visits her mother frequently at LaSolana. I think she's a high quality person & those are a rarity nowadays."

"It sounds like you are falling for her Rob."

"Already fell Lacey," is my rapid reply.

"Tell me more about her." 

"She's wonderful, caring, hard working, beautiful (both inside & out). You want to know something else?"

"Let's hear it."

"Her mother, who is eighty six years old, is my BFF."

"Did you say her eighty six year old mother is your BFF?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"How did that happen?"

"We're neighbors & she's a wonderful person as well. The apple does not fall far from the tree with this one."

Revealing to Lacey my BFF is the eighty six year old mother of my crush intrigues her:

"I always tell Kendra if mama was twenty years younger & I was twenty years older; we'd be a thing."

"Do you really say that to her?"

"Yep," is my honest answer.

"What's her response?"

"She smiles & calls me sweet."

"Do you think you'll ever have a chance with her."

"I already told you she is out of my league."

"Does it bother you she is out of your league?"

"It is what it is nowadays Lacey," adding with a heavy sigh, "May I ask you a personal question? It's something I've been wondering about since our first session."

"Sure Mr. Astle...excuse me. I mean sure Rob."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty seven," is her response with a smile.

"Are you married, boyfriend, children?"

"I have a girlfriend & as soon as she finishes her post grad we are going to get married & adopt a child together."

Not that I can tell what a lesbian looks like for sure; take that back; it sticks out in some cases. Lacey appears delicate from what I can deduce by staring at a monitor. It's unlikely she plays the masculine role in her relationship.

"May I ask you another question Lacey?"

"No, you've already asked two," stating firmly, "I'm the one who gets to ask the questions. Now let's get back to your crush. Have you told her how you feel about her?"

"I have in a roundabout way. She knows it & is polite about it. I try not to be creepy about things. There's never going to be any romance between us; but I truly adore her & cherish our friendship. So I'm not going to do anything to screw it up."

"Rob, I'm going to share an early assessment with you. When we first started our sessions you came off as abrupt & half crazy. All you talked about is how you wanted to murder people. Now that we're making progress the caring side of you is starting to show."

When my twenty seven year old shrink referred to me as caring; it made me feel warm & fuzzy...I'd probably ask her out if she was straight.

"Do you want to try an exercise?"

"What is it?"

"Use one word that encompasses your crush & her mother...just one word."

"Angels," is my immediate response, "I'm glad you asked that question because the other day I watched them walk down the sidewalk & out to their car. To me; it looked like two angels walking side by side."

"Angels," she says with a sigh through the monitor, "You are smitten Rob."

"No doubt about it Lacey."

murdering a motherfu@#er...Part 3

"I can picture it Rob. One of these days I'll be waiting in line at the post office & then I'll look to the right and there'll be a picture of your handsome mug on the wall. The caption will read: WANTED FOR THE MURDER OF FOUR MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Miss Kitty," adding with a laugh, "You might, it all depends on opportunity."

"Oh Rob, enough of this nonsense. You've got to stop talking about murdering people. It's going to give people the wrong impression about you."

"I can't help it Miss Kitty. The thought has consumed me."

At my last therapy session Lacey (the shrink) asked me to describe the fantasy to her:

Shrink: How would you do it?

Me: What do you mean? How would I do what?

Shrink: Murder some motherfuckers. You know what I'm talking about.

Me: I'd grab a Louisville slugger & sneak up behind them. I'd have a knife strapped to my side as well. I'd smash their head a couple times with the bat to disorient them, then I would jump on top of them & stab them about thirty times. Afterwards, I would wrap their body in a tarp & drive out to the desert (the hole would already be dug). On the way home I'd stop at Crumbl & get a four pack of cookies to celebrate the feat.

Shrink: What about an alibi. Everyone is going to know it was you. You don't want do get caught. Do you?

Me: You don't need an alibi in fantasy land Lacey.

Shrink: What you're telling me is you don't ever plan to act on your thoughts. Is that correct?

Me: Not necessarily, I'm just saying that right now I don't need an alibi because it is fantasy.

 

murdering a motherfu#@er...Part 2

"What Darwin was too polite to say, my friends, is that we came to rule the earth not because we are the smartest, or even the meanest, but because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle."

~ Stephen King                                                                   

"You sound silly when you walk around telling everyone how much you want to murder someone. Everyone at LaSolana knows you are joking. Come on Rob...You're not really going to murder a motherfucker. Are you?"

Quadruple homicide talk is all the rage at LaSolana nowadays:

"I will given the chance Miss Kitty."

"Where do the people on your hit list live?"

"Not around here. If they did it would have already happened."

"How would you do it?"

"It would be with my bare hands. If not, I'll grab the nearest blunt force object & use it to smash their heads in."

"Why don't you just shoot them?"

"This is an up close & personal deal. It wouldn't satisfy all the rage. Beating them to death is the only way."

"Do you ever think you'll run into these people on your list."

"Nope," adding with all honesty, "My guess is I will never talk with or see them again."

"Good for them & good for you."

"Yep," is my steadfast reply.

My shrink assigned another task. She wants me to list the top five things floating around in my head today. Supposedly, it will help me cope. Here it goes:

1. Bludgeoning someone to death 

2. Watching Jeopardy

3. Dismembering & burying their remains in the desert

4. Eating donuts

5. Taco Tuesday (even though it is Thursday)

murdering a motherfu#@er...

"I use to love her, but I had to kill her, I knew I'd miss her; so I had to keep her...she's buried right in my backyard...I use to love her; but I had to kill her. She bitched so much; it drove me nuts...I can still her complain."

Use to love her (had to kill her) ~ Guns-N-Roses

A guy in Las Vegas strangled his girlfriend & buried her in the backyard. For one reason or another G-N-R lyrics go through my head every time I think about him.

Talking with Miss Kitty at the pool today:

"How are things going nowadays Rob? I haven't seen anything new on your blog lately. What's the deal?"

"I think about murdering people all day long Miss Kitty. That would not be appropriate material for a blog"

"Oh Rob, thirty million dollars isn't that much. You'll find something else. Geez, you've got to stop telling people you want to murder someone. They're going to think something is wrong with you."

"There is something wrong with me because the feelings are fluid. It was an opportunity that comes around once in several lifetimes Miss Kitty. Thinking about how it went down enrages me to no end. It has put homicidal thoughts at the front of my mind."

"You're being a little ridiculous by saying you want to murder someone," she adds with a snicker, "I can just see it... I'll be watching the news & they'll have a story about a quadruple homicide & you'll be the first guy I think of. The police will be chasing your van down Grand Avenue with a chopper following you overhead. Murder someone...please, give me a break."

My shrink told me to do a certain exercise. It's a Q & A (with myself) reflecting on the cause of my devious thoughts. She also said to keep it brief...I will try my best:

The setting:

Beginning of spring 2013; location Chinatown district of Las Vegas. The future of delivery applications is being molded & Rob Astle is bound & determined to get his piece of the pie! 

Pay extra attention to what I'm about to say! It gives clues on why I think about homicides nowadays.

Chinatown districts are a blueprint of what delivery applications thrive on! Blocks upon blocks of restaurants located in the same vicinity. Currently, the Chinatown district in Las Vegas produces millions upon millions in revenue for applications such as DoorDash & Grubhub. In 2013 it is virgin territory for the process.

The murderous thoughts continue. 

An associate at the time (who is now a millionaire thanks to the process) convinced me to find some restaurants for him to load on his site. He paid fifty dollars for every restaurant; turns out I'm a natural. In less than a month ten restaurants were signed/sealed & delivered. The majority residing in Chinatown.

"Hurry up! Get to the point already! Tell us why you want to murder some motherfuckers."

Upon delivery he wanted me to get more. I told him I would but the price was going way up for my services. He didn't have the money so the relationship ended. My thoughts, "I'm the guy who gets the restaurants. Why the hell do I need him? I'll start my own site." 

Here's the part where the murder feelings begin to surface. 

It wasn't the best time for me financially. The recession had taken it's toll and personal resources were scant. Help is needed. Initially, a couple of associates came to town & I gave them the tour. They were not interested, I am disappointed in their decision, but not discouraged. Surely someone else will help. 

Pay attention! This is the part where murder thoughts really, really start to take hold!

"Heah man, Billy Bob & Thelma Sue have been calling you a bum & telling everyone you are running a sham & to stay away from your ideas about Chinatown." 

The exact words of a lifelong friend as he passed on the opportunity...Billy Bob & Thelma Sue are ex associates & they poisoned the well. I've thought long & hard about why they acted the way they did. I'm still not sure. Who am I kidding? They did it out of spite. They are at the top the murder list!

Okay, you are starting to bore me with all this whining about how people are out to get you. How does the story end?

Me on the streets; broke; criticized & mocked while delivery applications are projected to do 200 billion in revenue by 2025.

Why don't you let it go? Everyone has a hard luck story.

For the longest time I tuned it out; you know, pretend it didn't happen. It's proven impossible realizing the billions in revenue delivery applications produce nowadays & knowing damn well I was at the beginning of it.

Now you are starting to really bore people. Why don't you tell us your perceived opportunities lost so we can be done with this?

I'll describe things briefly on an organic level. They'll be more to come at a later date because murderous thoughts are not fleeting.

First & foremost (in 2013) there is no competition for the service in Chinatown. I'm the only guy there with ten restaurants signed & scores more in sight...two of the original ten signed pay over 50k a year in delivery fees nowadays. What do you think a hundred quality restaurants would have brought in? Do your own math.

A snippet from my last therapy session.

Shrink: Don't worry about things so much. You'll eventually forget about all the opportunities & dreams lost. 

Me: I don't think so. The feelings have intensified tenfold since we first started seeing each other.

Shrink: How are you going to get rid of the feelings?

Me: By murdering some motherfuckers!