random talk from therapy...

Six o'clock rolls around & it's Zoom time again with my favorite pansexual therapist. The session begins with love & marriage talk:

"When was the last time you were really in love Rob?"

When Lacey was first assigned to me I was skeptical. Nowadays, I eagerly anticipate our sessions.

"A couple of years ago a girl from Las Vegas stole my heart. I wanted more than anything to be with her. Turns out, I wasn't good enough."

"Why weren't you good enough for her Rob?"

"She's use to the finer things in life. There's no way a schmuck like me could ever provide it; in the end she wanted way more than I'll ever have."

"Life isn't all money & fancy things Rob. My fiancee & I love each other for who we are. The money part isn't a big deal to us."

Her statement reminds me of something Roy (Legend) said to me after his second marriage. I decide to share it with her:

"Do you want to know what my friend Legend said about marriage?"

"Your friend who?"

"Legend, he's a guy I grew up with."

"Why do they call him Legend?"

"His feats back in the day are the stuff of legend."

"What did he do that made him Legend?"

"Look, I'll tell you about that in another session. The point is he said something to me a long time ago that I agree with wholeheartedly."

"What did he say Rob?"

"He said the first time you get married is for love; anytime thereafter is for money. Those are his exact words."

She scoffs at the suggestion:

"Your friend Legend sounds like a tool."

"He is Lacey," with a hearty laugh.

"Why would you listen to him?"

"He puts it how it is & people respect him for it."

"I don't agree with his assessment at all," her tone forceful, "I'm the product of my mothers third marriage. My mother & father have been married for over thirty years & love each other dearly. Neither one of them ever had much money. So you tell your friend Legend he has no idea what he is talking about."

"Okay, okay, Jesus Lacey, don't shoot the messenger. He's the one who said it, not me."

"I'm not mad at you Rob. You just tell this guy he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about."

"Okay sweetheart, next time I talk with the dip shit I'll tell him.

We chat about some mandated stuff & then I ask if she wants to hear a joke:

"As long as it is a clean one."

It isn't...she's a big girl though.

"My uncle Joe is bisexual."

"Did you say you're uncle Joe is bisexual?"

"That's exactly what I said Lacey. Any time he wants sex he has to buy it," laughing at the punch line, "Isn't that funny. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book."

"I don't get it. He is or is not bisexual," is her question with a blank look.

"It's a joke for Christ sake's. He has to buy it from a hooker. He spends his money for sex is what I'm trying to say."

One of my favorite jokes of all time doesn't even solicit a smirk:

"You should consider updating your material. It's not very funny in my opinion. Your humor is offensive to my generation."

"Okay, okay, shit, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just a joke. Why don't you tell me one of your jokes & let me be the judge of how humorous it is. Maybe I won't think it's funny & decide to make a big stink out of things."

"You want to hear a really good joke Rob?"

"Tell me one Lacey. Come on! Make me laugh."

"Okay, I got one for you Rob...I heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was pansexual. He just doesn't see gender."

The corniness of it brings a smile to my face. It also reminds me of another Stevie Wonder joke:

"Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders' wife Lacey?"

"No," is her immediate reply.

"Neither has he," is the punch line.

"Neither has he," she says with a smile "That's a good one Rob. It's far more appropriate than your bisexual uncle Joe stuff."

Lacey finds it intriguing my BFF is the eighty seven year old mother of my crush:

"We have a few more minutes left in our session Rob. Tell me more about your crush & her mother."

"Kendra has been gone for a couple days & I already miss the heck out of her. I saw mama today & she told me everything ended up good on her tests."

"What test did mama have Rob?"

"It wasn't mama who had the tests. It's Kendra. She had a medical procedure a while back & it took time for the results to come back. She talked a bit about it when visiting LasSolana. It had everyone nervous. Mama said everything is okay with her & not to worry."

'You really enjoy the two of them. I can tell by the way you light up when describing them. It's sweet how you refer to them as angels."

"That's what they are Lacey. I can't think of a better way to describe it."

"Our time has come to an end Rob. How does Wednesday at seven sound for our next session?"

"I'll be there with bells on Lacey," is my eager reply.