a direct approach...

"Mr. Astle, I have another exercise for you."

I tell you...pansexual Zoom shrinks & their psycho babble:

"Tell me in three sentences what your prevailing attitude in life is right now. Keep it brief." 

"Hmm," as I scratch my chin & stare back at the monitor, "Do you want to know what my attitude is at this very moment? Is that what you're asking Lacey?"

"That's exactly what I'm asking Mr. Astle."

"Three sentences," murmuring as I gather my thoughts, "I don't give a shit if the world burns down. As a matter of fact I'm anticipating it. The only thing I will do when it happens is try to light a cigarette from the ashes."

"Mr. Astle, your answer is disturbing. Are you a disturbed person?"

"Lacey, for the hundredth time...please call me Rob. When you call me Mr. Astle it makes me feel old."

"Mr. Astle," repeating firmly, "Are you a disturbed?"

"If you don't like the answer. Why ask the question?"

"Let us not forget how are relationship was forged. Would you like me to relay your answer to the judge?"

"No," is my answer in a cowardly tone.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question. This time pretend it's the judge asking. Do you understand?"

"I do," in a more cowardly tone than before.

"Again, in three sentences, describe to me your attitude at this very moment."

"Everything is rosy & perfect. It's boundless opportunities for a guy like me. It's like watching my favorite musical."

"See, that wasn't so hard. I'll relay your sentiments to the court."

The last few sessions have been terse. I offer to lighten the mood with a joke:

"I don't want to hear anymore of your raunchy jokes. Quite frankly, I find your humor offensive."

"It's going to be a clean joke."

"Okay, it better be! Let's hear it."

"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?"

"I don't know."

"In case he got a hole in one."

"That's a good one. much better than the filth you've been sharing in our previous sessions."

We chat about a couple of mandates & then she asks about a lady at the gym I wish to have sex with:

"It's hard for me to describe it without being graphic. When you have sexual thoughts about someone there always graphic. I don't want to offend you."

"Leave out the part about how you want to fuck her silly. Those were your words last time we talked," adding, "Remember Mr. Astle, women are more than just pieces of meat."

"Look," pausing to gather my thoughts, "It's just a lady I want to have sex with. We're not going to take long walks in the park; or dance in the rain. I just want to have sex with her. You know, get it out of my system."

"There you go again with the locker room talk. You'll never have a chance with an attitude like that."

Her statement reminds me of a tryst years ago involving a lonely lady & a lonely guy at a hotel bar in downtown Albuquerque. He offered to buy her a drink & she accepted. As the night progressed the drinks flowed & inhibitions dissipated.

"Look, I'm probably never going to see you again after tonight. Why don't we go back to my room & fuck like a couple of wild rabbits?"

The lonely guy is intoxicated & figures directness is his best chance.

"I like that idea," is the response from the lonely lady.

They spend the remainder of the night engaged in every sexual position one could imagine. It is a magical night for both. The lonely lady has a flight to catch in the morning & tells the lonely guy: 

"Thank you for the company. I needed it!" 

The lonely guy reciprocates the sentiment.

I share the story with Lacey & her remark is:

"That's your strategy. You are just going to walk up to her and ask her if she wants to fuck."

"Look, Lacey," realizing she doesn't get it, "The moral of the story is why beat around the bush when most of the time they have the same thing in mind that you do. It's a direct approach."

"It sounds idiotic," is her immediate reply.

"I didn't say it was always effective. It's direct...I'll tell you something right now the approach works a lot more than people give it credit for."