bounce a quarter...

Five o'clock rolls around & it's time for another session with my favorite pansexual Zoom shrink:

"Do you want to know what Legend said about women?"

"Is this the guy you were talking about the other day?"

"Yes Ma'am, that's him."

"What did he say?"

"He said women were good at two things...changing a flat tire is not one of them."

"You're friend Legend sounds like a chauvinist."

"Lacey," laughing at her remark, "Last time I saw him he looked more like the guy who ate Legend."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about a friend," with a mean girl glare through the monitor.

"It's true though," adding, "Let me tell you how he got the nickname in the first place."

"Is it vulgar? I don't want to hear it if it's vulgar."

"The origin is clean. You'll enjoy this one."

"Okay," looking at her watch, "Make it snappy."

"He caught a hail Mary touchdown pass with no time on the clock in the state title game. The snag gave the Bulldogs a two point victory & a state title in football...it's first."

"Oh really," is her reply in a curious tone.

"He out jumped two defenders in the back of the end zone. Afterwards, everyone referred to him as Legend."

"It's a catchy nickname. What's his real name?"

"Roy Cumpton," is my immediate reply.

"What's he do nowadays?"

"He just got through with his third marriage. He's in cattle, agriculture & construction."

"Is he a farmer?"

"More of a hobby farmer."

"What's a hobby farmer?"

"It's what you call a guy who makes his money elsewhere & then decides to buy a couple of acres & grow crops. It's a common phrase in the mid west."

We chat about mandates & then she asks about a women I wish to have sex with:

"There's a new one."

"What happened to the lady at the gym?"

"Haven't seen the one you're talking about in a while...I'm over her. There's another one at the gym I'd like to see naked though."

"Don't start with the raunchiness Mr. Astle," rolling her eyes in disgust.

"Sorry Lacey," with all honesty, "I can't help it."

Mistaking Lacey for one of the guys is something I must improve upon:

"What's so great about this one?"

"Whenever I see a women killing it on the squat rack I get turned on. Her rear end resembles two canned hams. You could bounce a quarter off this ladies ass for sure."

"Why don't you tell her that & see what she says."

"Tell her what Lacey?"

"Tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass."

"I'm complimenting her when I say that."

"Okay, if it's such a compliment than tell her...I'm being serious, just tell her you want to bounce a quarter off her ass & see what she says."

"In all honesty I'd like to bounce something else off her ass instead."

"Vulgarity is going to be your undoing Mr. Astle."

"Okay, Jesus Lacey, it's just a joke. Lighten up for Christ Sake's."

"Again, everything is a joke with you. I think I'll tell the court we have a comedian on our hands. See how funny they think you are."